Bad Advice We Believed About Marriage, Money, And Manhood

What if the most repeated relationship advice is also the most misleading? We take a hard look at slogans like “happy wife, happy life” and explain why outsourcing your peace to someone else’s mood wrecks connection. Instead, we make the case that happiness is an inside job and that two healthy individuals create the conditions for a healthy relationship—not the other way around.

We share how that plays out in real life, drawing on John Gottman’s research about perpetual problems and the power of repair, friendship, and honest conflict. No fairy tales here: many issues are manageable rather than solvable, and that’s okay when respect and skills are in place. We also push back on the pressure to “just get married,” especially when marriage is treated like a fix for pregnancy or conflict. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Clarity, feedback, and readiness beat rushing every time.

Money and humility get a much-needed rethink too. We talk about unlearning the fear of ambition, why accurate self-knowledge isn’t bragging, and how financial stewardship supports families and communities. On faith and generosity, we call for storehouse practices that actually meet local needs—rent, groceries, light bills—so giving becomes visible care. And we close with the tools that keep us grounded: vulnerability as courage, being approachable to correction, turning off the noise when anxiety spikes, and choosing therapy and brotherhood to break old loops.

If this conversation sparked something, tap follow, share it with a friend who needs the nudge, and leave a quick review to help more people find the Iron Table. What myth about love or life are you dropping this year?

Transcript

Season Six Kickoff & Housekeeping

SPEAKER_03 0:03

Welcome to the Iron Table, where iron sharpens iron, so should men sharpen men. I'm your host, Brian Godine, and I'm joined by my brothers Keith, Danny, and Steve. We're your waiters, bringing you truth with a side of humor, loaded with accountability and thought. We now bring you to our program already in progress. Just hold on. We're coming. Good evening, good evening. It's the Iron Table. Iron sharpens iron, so should men sharpen men. We are at season six. Wow. Let's see. Um see how long. Uh Keith and I started this. Uh, I guess was it has it been six years or just six seasons? I can't remember, but Steve has been with us the last two full seasons now with season three, and Danny has been there since uh what is it, at least season two, uh, consistently. So we've been fortunate to get going. Um before we get into what everyone's been doing, uh of course we got some housekeeping items. Uh Iron Table doesn't own the rights to any music used during its segment segments. We appreciate the talents and crafts of musicians and only use their music to honor their gifts. If you want to do something for us, you know, make sure you like, subscribe, and share. We aren't too proud to beg in the morning or at night or really anytime. We we are some beggars. We are like those 90s RB groups out in the middle of the desert with vest on and a piano begging for y'all to like and subscribe. At least I am. I guess the other ones they don't subscribe to that. So you can also find us on Google Podcasts, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, and YouTube, which you're probably watching, watching right now. Just continue to search for the iron table. And for those who only listen to us audibly, you can find us at irontable.budsprouts.com. All right, so it's uh today is MLK Day, and by the time I post this, it'll be the day after MLK Day. So um happy MLK Day while we still have it. Tell us what's been going on. All right, I guess nothing's been going on. Okay, let's see. I I'll start. I will start because you know, since um happy new year. Uh back to work. Played basketball last Thursday for the first time. Uh in uh since the Iron Table funded a team. Felt good that day because I lost 20 pounds. Felt bad the next day because this replacement hip was on fire. I'm now recovering where I can lift my leg up above maybe six inches so I can walk up the steps normally, but I'll be back at it next Thursday or this Thursday coming up, just to continue to be active, continue to have fun. Um, outside of that, just been chilling, happy, thankful, and all those things above.

SPEAKER_06 3:34

Yeah, man. I'm I'm um just excited to to be alive in this crazy world that we live in. There's no no shortage of adventure, um, whether they're meant to be a diversion, a distraction, but it's just like I can't keep up. Usually I don't try. Um, every now and then I glance, I'm like, whoa, wow, this is interesting. Three whole years to go. That's all right. Let's go.

SPEAKER_03 4:10

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 4:11

Oh shoot. Nothing. Just again, same old, same old trying to trying to keep up with the world, like Danny said. It's it's no short of surprises every day. You wake up to something new, and that's and that's before you turn on the TV or pick up your phone. I know like a lot a lot of us families, friends, pets, you know, just jobs. There's always something going on. So you know, I know a lot of us are just trying to keep our head above water, making the way when we can.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

Speaking of water, you know, I've been drinking this new clear stuff called water.

SPEAKER_05 4:50

I don't believe you.

SPEAKER_03 5:00

Wow. Refreshing. Gotta stay healthy out there, people. Keep those hot those kidneys hydrated.

SPEAKER_06 5:12

Okay, somebody wants their kidneys after all. All right, right.

SPEAKER_05 5:18

You're not trying to die no more. That's good.

SPEAKER_03 5:23

All right, brother Steve, out in them streets.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

Can you hear me?

SPEAKER_03 5:29

Oh, we can hear you.

SPEAKER_02 5:31

Can you help me? Oh no, everything's been cool, man.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Just you know, house boats, and just don't go on through that, but definitely have to look at certain things from a certain perspective of, you know, certain things go wrong in the house, but at least God has blessed us to be able to afford to pay for things too. So everything's been going right, guys.

The “Happy Wife, Happy Life” Debate

SPEAKER_03 5:52

Thanks, Chair. Okay. Oh, Bellas, I forgot to tell you, there was something special, something special for the advancement of uh colored people that happened uh near the end of the month. Um, I was on a flight, headed back home to from uh a cruise in Florida. We took the young guy in Florida. I can say that now because I'm back, which means those who are watching this can't break into my house. Um, so on the way back, we flew southwest, and this is southwest is known to have open seating. So a family goes forward, so anybody who has young kids know that you can get in earlier with uh family boarding, but your kids need to be under a certain age for both parents. If it's above six, you get one parent. So I send my wife, my son, forward. Uh, I am in group C. You know, this usually means that I'll just find what available seating. I tell my family, hey, if you have a seat, find a seat, save me a seat. If not, that's fine. The main thing is that y'all are sitting together. Well, this lady um who was in front of me, uh she looks back a couple of times and says, Hey, why don't y'all come up front? Y'all are with me. And I'm looking and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna let this go. She says it again, and three people begin to stick their head out. I was like, Do I tell her? Do I not? And I was like, This is one of those moments that Reverend Reverend Abernathy and Dr. King would have said, you know, you gotta say something. I was within my rights. So I told the lady, I said, ma'am, you know, it's great for you. Uh I get it. You want to be with your family, but it would be better for you to go back to them than for you to have them skip me and the countless other people that are behind me just to get a seat. She was like, Well, I'm a mother. I was like, I'm a father, and I get it. My wife is with my son right now, and they were able to get on. But I want to sit with them. I was like, we all want to be able to sit with our family, but this is the luck of the draw that we have. This is not about privilege or anything, this is about what is right, and so she she stopped. And of course, there were some other people that um had the same skin color as she had, and was congratulating me and saying, Oh man, that was right. You should have. I was like, No, that was a moment, a moment in history. You know, I again I was more concerned about the number than the skin color or anything. So when you stand on the side of truth and correctness, you can stand sure. So feel free, anybody, to um calmly just express reality and truth, and you should be able to be okay. I just wanted to share that, though, given that it's MLK Day. All right. So today we're gonna keep this light, keep this short. Since it's New Year, we didn't have a New Year's Eve uh courting or podcast, and we don't believe in New Year's resolutions because I think in what a couple of days is National Quitting Day. I think it's what January 22nd, you know, what we learned from our last one of our podcasts in the past where people just quit. I'm gonna keep this light. So, what is some of the bad advice you've received regarding relationships and life in general?

SPEAKER_06 9:18

Happy wife, happy life.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

I mean, you just starting to just pew pew pew pew.

SPEAKER_06 9:26

Why do you say that? Great question, yeah. It's it superimposes that if you as a man focus on making your wife happy, that automatically that your life will be happy. And let's just say this somebody said, like, yeah, I got bronchitis. The the I I quickly found out that um, and that this is is not just a reflection of a personal experience that I've had, but it includes, but is not limited to all the little Johnnies that are out there, um, and the the men who I have that that many of them grew up without fathers, and so we we bought into this lie that if you focus on making this woman who's your wife happy, that she's going to actually be happy, and that'll result in you having a happier state of existence. And I I've just come to learn that you can do everything in your power, you can have all the money in the world, you can have like you can share it's almost like Eve was placed in the garden by God Himself with everything wasn't Eve placed in the garden by God. So I'm just trying to tell you, bruh. She had everything. What didn't she have?

SPEAKER_03 11:17

Okay, I'm I'm trying to see where you're going because it was like we've been going to the same church, the same school. Have you changed?

SPEAKER_06 11:24

No, no, no, no, haven't changed, bruh. Just just a different lens, a different perspective. All I'm trying to point out is that she had everything and it still wasn't enough. And I'm saying that in general, trying to make someone overly happy is not gonna automatically reciprocate uh um a similar experience upon you. If it needs to rhyme, somebody put it this way happy house, happy spouse, happy house, sir. Because there's so many guys that are out there that that have bought this lie that their job is to go and make the woman happy, to make their wives happy. And what's what's interesting is that's not your job, that's not your responsibility. I'm not saying that you can't be a facilitator of good experiences, I'm not suggesting that we have no role to play in in building a mutually fulfilling life, but a lot of us believe the lie that I've got to make her happy, and there's no better way to ruin your life, her life, and everybody's life than trying to make somebody who, for whatever reason, may not have the hmm capacity, ability. There we go.

SPEAKER_07 12:50

Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

Common sense, common sense, yeah, bruh.

Can You Make A Partner Happy

SPEAKER_06 13:05

I'm I'm I'm just telling you, so that that was probably some of the dumbest advice that no one shoved down my throat. We just heard it, so we assumed that it was right, and then when you go about trying to, all right, my job is to make this person happy. I I just know way too many guys who who tried that and it didn't work.

SPEAKER_03 13:33

So let me ask you this because you mentioned um like the guys you were upbringing, and you know, most of us know about you know, like either single moms or even if both parents were home, one parent was the primary parent, primary doing much, and you really didn't see that interaction. Is the same thing for those people that you know that came from a two-parent household where you know their parents are still together? Do you think that they also subscribe? Um, do you have any cases where you know someone that had that same issue where they believe that if I just pour all that I have, everything, into trying to make my spouse happy, that it's going to make things right because I know you heard like most of us single parents, but what about for those who had both parents?

SPEAKER_06 14:25

Yeah, um, so that's a great question. How I would respond to that would be to um to say that it's not just restricted to those who had um a one-parent household. Uh you gotta remember we were all raised on 90s RB.

SPEAKER_03 14:49

Yeah, that's that good stuff.

SPEAKER_06 14:51

I depends on it all depends on your perspective because you are not ruining them again. To some extent. To some extent. Let's just be honest. We we were fed these lies that we needed to posture and position ourselves in a way that was going to facilitate somebody else's happiness. That was our job, that was our role, and I'm not again, I'm not saying that we are not a very integral part into developing a mutually fulfilling relationship. I'm saying that your happiness is an inside job. And when when we when we get bamboozled into thinking that I can do something to make you happy, not even God operates in that realm. And so I'm saying that because of our cultural immersion into these belief systems that didn't necessarily have a biblical base or or even common sense. It's like I can't make you happy, like no one can do that. That that's something that has to be an inside job. In in order for us to have healthy relationships, the the best thing we can do is to be healthy individuals, because it takes two healthy individuals to make a healthy relationship. If you got one person who is discontent, like Eve, who was in the Garden of Eden, I don't know if there's anything that that can be done to make them happy.

SPEAKER_03 16:51

So when you say two healthy individuals, do they both have to be healthy in the same area, or can one be healthy say financially and the other one be healthy maybe uh spiritually? And they're you know infusing the other person with that, um, those uh say antibodies. So we're talking about healthy, and to bring that person up.

SPEAKER_06 17:16

I think I think we're all on a journey of of becoming more healthy. So Keith has this great analogy. One day it's gonna be in a book, baggage clay. And so y'all need to just send them DMs because yeah, it's good stuff, and it can change your life. But the reality is we all have baggage, right? Everybody's got baggage, nobody is this this state of uh complete healing and and wholeness. We're on a journey, but if we can get the the two big duffel bags down to a uh a backpack and a little carry-on, then that that that'll be more ideal for us to be able to um manage our movements with another imperfect person while we're fusing our lives together because it there's no such thing as happily ever after. That that just doesn't exist. It belongs in the realm of unicorns, fairies, and leprechauns. They don't exist, do they?

SPEAKER_03 18:31

All right, so you're gonna have to break down the happy ever after because there's gonna be some some people watching this, it's gonna be like, wait a minute, are you saying that that marriages end in divorce? Or what does happy ever after, like what is the equivalent or the what is it that's close to happy ever after?

Healthy Individuals Over Perfect Marriages

SPEAKER_06 18:50

Yeah, so I don't get it twisted. I absolutely believe that love can last a lifetime, and it should, it can. When when you have um the the the individuals who understand that each of us we're we're flawed at our core, and in order for us to to be equipped with the tools to make a relationship work well, understanding that at the gate, it makes it a lot more palatable because it there's going to be um there's going to be an adjustment when you discover just how imperfect the person who you thought uh was as close to perfect as you could could find in the spouse. That the more you go through marriage, what you usually find out is those character deficiencies you used to think were cute now have a magnifying glass in front of them. They don't disappear, they don't go away. Okay, and and those those things will can um, if you're not careful, provide. Some unique challenges. And I will just quote from Dr. John Gottman, who's the foremost researcher in the relationship space. He points out that you know every relationship is imperfect, and the vast majority of problems that married people have, they're not solvable. You're going to continue to have these problems. There's no such thing as happily ever after. But you absolutely can help, you can make a relationship work. There are certain strategies, certain tools, mindsets, skill sets, tool sets, and help. Just going to get help. Third party. Not when, not if, when you're not making progress in your relationship over time. And can it's just not the happiness jackpot. Because people are out here thinking, oh, happy forever after? Sign me up. Like, I where's my happiness? No, you it'll make you holy because God'll show you yourself. You thought you were generous, you thought you were giving. You thought that you were forgiving. Come on. Okay, so if it's not always solvable, is it at least manageable? Uh it was both you and Keith talking at the same time. What'd you say? What'd you say?

SPEAKER_03 21:28

Well, I was just saying that okay, if it's not solvable, is it at least manageable where you can manage? Okay, all right. There's no hope. Manageable managing is hopeful.

SPEAKER_06 21:43

Absolutely hope. There's there's hope, but that hope isn't in happily ever after. That's a daggone lie.

SPEAKER_07 21:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 21:51

All right, just one just happily ever after that belongs again in the realm of unicorns, fairies, and leprechauns. That nobody has has or will ever have that. If they said they do, first John 1.8 says that they a lie.

SPEAKER_05 22:07

And the truth be not in them.

SPEAKER_03 22:18

Steve, you didn't miss much because if you were hurting.

SPEAKER_05 22:20

Oh, he missed all of that.

SPEAKER_03 22:23

You were chimed in.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

Wait a minute, I gotta chime in now. What'd he say?

SPEAKER_03 22:28

He said that happily ever after is a lie.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

Lie, yep, right, that's right. Thank you, Steve.

SPEAKER_03 22:36

That is, no, he's right.

SPEAKER_07 22:38

He said it wrong.

SPEAKER_03 22:40

Nothing is what? Like you can't solve anything in marriage.

SPEAKER_06 22:45

I didn't think everything, not everything, not everything is solvable in marriage. I said it's all it's just it's just a bunch of compromises. It's just a bunch of compromises. That's all it is. Yeah, that's all it is. Some of those compromises are lifelong. John, you know what John Gottman is, Brian?

SPEAKER_07 23:04

No.

SPEAKER_06 23:05

Okay. Well, it's interesting. It it'll be a really great science experiment for you to just dive. This guy, just to give you a brief snapshot, he can listen to somebody talk, a couple talk for like two minutes and predict whether they're gonna be divorced with over 90% accuracy. He accuracy, he can watch a non-verbal video of a couple interacting like through a glass, and he can tell you with over 90% accurate accuracy if they're gonna be divorced. It sounds crazy. It sounds like, man, nah, I didn't believe it either. But he can. He had a love lab and he just studied it for decades. He's just studied, and and certain patterns emerged. And of those patterns looking through the window.

SPEAKER_03 23:55

That's some peep and time type stuff. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_06 23:58

They come they come to the the the love lab, um, but and to to be researched, and he's been able to just observe, scientifically speaking, certain patterns that emerge that um will determine a couple's success and or failure in the context of romantic relationship. To the point that as I look back reading his material, it's just like, oh man, I wish I'd known that. That might have been his story.

SPEAKER_03 24:31

What would you say, Steve?

SPEAKER_02 24:34

Oh, I say he's gonna have to send me his his information because I need to I need to see this. Oh, yeah, I got I didn't see it, it might it might make me mad.

SPEAKER_06 24:43

Oh yeah, it it it absolutely will.

Gottman’s Research And Realistic Expectations

SPEAKER_05 24:46

You gonna want to, but you you're gonna want to use it. I signed up for uh one of his because he also offers um when I work with I signed up for a discount to refer couples to their camp or to their for their service. He has all kinds of sense, so yeah, I'll yeah, I'll send you some send you his information, but he has a lot of research, he has a lot of information, and but I do kind of feel him though. Sometimes now when I'm getting certain couples, I can look I'm not I'm not a prophet, but I see enough things enough times to to be able to know this don't look too good. Not saying you can't, but if y'all not gonna try.

SPEAKER_03 25:33

All right, for those who are just now tuning in, you know, what is some of the bad advice you received regarding relationships and life in general? You heard from uh Danny that um happy wife, happy life is a bold-faced lie.

SPEAKER_05 25:55

From the pit of hell along it belongs with what unicorns?

SPEAKER_03 26:02

Oh, yeah, unicorns and fairies and pixie desks, right? Something like that.

SPEAKER_05 26:07

Something like that.

SPEAKER_03 26:09

All right, uh Jones Steve, which one?

SPEAKER_05 26:13

Yeah, I'll I'll jump in. I'll take bad advice. One, um, for me, I was I'll they kind of go together, but it's okay to make money like m again. We grew up in the age where like you preparing to go to heaven, so you're not supposed to be focused on your future here on this earth. So we weren't really told, our parents weren't told a lot of our parents were not told to focus on what have got no come right now, like so we did not even with our education, we did not pursue education. Well, no, I say we did, I think we did a better job, but I know like we shied away from building, and I get I get it, we're not building on things that are corrupted or things that can be taken away, but I don't think we were taught to build at all financially. Uh so for a lot of us, we were late, late bloomers trying to figure this thing out, but also um I've been having this conversation with a lot of men between confidence and and and and arrogance, and it boils down to self-esteem. So being able to celebrate how I'll put it this way if it's the truth, is it bragging? If you say I'm good at basketball, but you actually are good, is that bragging? Right. So when you have people in this world who are who have made some achievements in this world, a lot of them had to mute their abilities and their experiences because you didn't want to make the others around you feel less than, but that did a lot of damage on those who wanted to do more, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 28:02

It's because I I think in where we in the environment that we grew up in, um, at least uh me and Keith and Danny, we were told humility, and we weren't told what humility really was. We were told humility was a person that did not boast, did not, and boasting, we looked at any time we acknowledged how good we were or any success that we might have had, because that isn't what a humble person would do. A humble person would sit in the back and just be quiet. That's what it is.

SPEAKER_05 28:33

And there's a place, there's a time and place for everything under the sun. But then, but my issue is there are a lot of people, especially I'm seeing a lot of young people, when they are excited that they are learning something and they feel like I'm really good at this. There's somebody who's quick to step on their neck to tell them how much they suck. You know, you're not, you're not Michael Jordan. Like, you nobody's Michael Jordan. Like so, um bad advice I feel like I I've gotten over the years was um just a false narrative of what it meant to have esteem, to have confidence, to be able to stand on it and not feel like I lack humility. Um, and again, like I said, and even when it comes to financial growth and decisions, exploring the options of financial stability isn't wrong. It's what's kept the churches alive, going back because this ties into my real issue. As good on already knows, I ain't trying to get us canceled, but look, I think the money should stay at the church, at the home level. And uh, because the way it's set up, it goes away, the bulk of it goes away in our and the way our churches are set up. And uh he knows, I feel like now that I know more about how finances work, I'm not opposed to giving to the church and giving to the needy. But when the church says bring ye all the tithe into the storehouse, I think that's great. But when the people who were laid off and didn't have food or didn't have money over this last holiday, they should have been able to come to the storehouse and say, Hey, I've been giving to this church for the last 30 years. I need help, my I need help with my light bill, my car note is due. And the storehouse don't have nothing because it's it has sent money elsewhere. So I feel like we it's time to sit down and have a real conversation about doing things in a way that really supports the growth of everyone.

Money, Humility, And Confidence Myths

SPEAKER_06 30:34

I'll put it that way. If I'll just jump in and say that um that that's only the churches that we not only, but for a large part of the church we grew up in. But for instance, like we we grew up at DuPont, right? I I went to DuPont for um a service on Sunday because the church up the street is renting it out, and that man during the government shutdown, like from the pulpit, it was like uh what y'all need. Now, don't come over here. He did say this don't if if you have not been faithful, and we know don't come up in here, but if anybody has a need, we got you. This is the channels, this is where you go, this is what, and it was to the point that somebody had a need. Well, they knew somebody got laid off, they gave they gave them money, and those people gave it back. They're like, Pastor, no, we good, we we good that can go for somebody else. Wow, but they they had that. This is right up in the church that we grew up in just on a different day. That um this happened.

SPEAKER_03 31:48

I mean, go ahead and say New Macedonia Baptist New Macedonia. We can say here Patrick Walker Walker State has already canceled this.

SPEAKER_06 31:57

Nah, ain't no, that's not no cancel. That ain't nothing new. I've been doing that for 25 years.

SPEAKER_03 32:02

Yeah, I know. I keep I keep it local.

SPEAKER_05 32:04

It's not it's not a new concept, but it you do get a lot of flack from some of the people who done it traditionally for our church.

SPEAKER_06 32:13

I've worked for every arm of it the regional, the non-regional, the international. I I I understand it, I do, and uh there's a better way, yes, that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_05 32:29

There is, and that's what I'm saying. So, as as a kid, we were taught that this way is the best way, and don't question our system with this like with anything else, whether secular or religious, all systems we get to see how flawed they are, and how bad.

SPEAKER_06 32:44

And I've worked for a bunch of other systems as well, and and I've seen there's merit in other structures that um you know all right, uh Steve.

SPEAKER_03 33:03

Can you say something? Oh, we can't hear you. Alright, so uh I'll go. Um it's in on the realms of recording.

SPEAKER_06 33:11

Yeah, we hear you now.

SPEAKER_03 33:12

Oh, now we can hear you go on, Steve.

SPEAKER_06 33:14

Okay, I don't know if I keep on working off. It's really low though, see your volume. You have to like talk to us, bro.

unknown 33:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 33:23

Can you hear me now? Yes, talk as loud as you can.

SPEAKER_03 33:27

But also look at the road.

SPEAKER_02 33:30

And it'd be high. Uh no. Um so this is I'm gonna take it a I'm gonna take it a step further and say not only some bad advice that I've gotten, but just some uh conversations that I've gotten when it comes to relationships. First and foremost, um, I think one of the bad one of the bad advices I've gotten is just uh what has been just get married. You know, and I'm gonna take it further and just say if I I think that first and foremost, if you're not married yourself and you're going through relationship polls, you shouldn't ask nobody else when they get married to somebody else that's in a good relationship. And second of all, you only got one time to ask me this. That's it. I think it should only be one time. And here's the thing is that I think a lot of times a lot of people rush into getting married when sometimes it's you have to also not only get to know the other person, but get to know where you're at your per at that point in your life. And a lot of times we rush into things because everybody else is telling us what to do, they should be telling us what to do, and we haven't even found out what it is that we need out of this relationship or what we can give in this relationship. So I think a lot of times people just say, oh, just get married, just get married. No. Uh-uh. I'm a firm believer back in my philosophy of I wish it was something about, well, hey, if you get married, if you get a divorce, take a finger. Take a finger, the government takes a finger. Because if we were to think twice before getting married and thinking that there's a severe consequence, I get you, I bet you a lot of people would, you know, wouldn't go through those walls of, oh, you know what, I maybe I need to think twice. Am I willing to risk a finger for this person? And if you are, go ahead. Find out, see what happens. But I think for me, one of the things is just tell, you know, you know, just saying, just get married. Just because you're together, just get married.

unknown 35:20

No.

SPEAKER_02 35:20

Uh-uh. No, you did you don't just jump into things like that. Especially not only when you're trying to figure out the other person, but also trying to figure out yourself. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna say take forever, but don't rush into things as well. And don't, you know, again, I I just have a I have a pet peeve about people telling other people when you're getting married, when you're getting married, when you know, stop, stop, because your track record shows that you your past three marriages have not worked. So you shouldn't be telling me anything, sir or ma'am. You know, so I I guess that's it. For me, it's just the whole notion of somebody else kind of butting into the notion of marriage for another relationship. So that's that's that's my two sense.

SPEAKER_03 36:04

Well, that was a whole dollar right there. Whole dollar.

SPEAKER_06 36:09

Yeah, I'm just gonna throw one more extra one in there, just just for bonus. Like it's better to marry than to burn. Or you're gonna do both after you get married. Yep. You're gonna be married and burn.

SPEAKER_02 36:22

There you go. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 36:24

Oh, that's that's that's that's pretty wrong situation, that is. You know, it that that's not a reason. There's there's so many people who were just encouraged, like that it solves certain, it solves life's problems. And marriage is a beautiful thing, you know. I do not solve life's problems, yes, it does not solve life's problems. And um when you understand that, you're you're better prepared for how difficult it is. It's one of the most difficult things you'll ever do in your life. And there'll be many days that you wonder what go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 37:04

No, no, and I'm just saying, a lot of people say, you know, also give that notion of if somebody gets pregnant, oh oh, you gotta marry her, you gotta marry her, you gotta get to get married. That's not gonna solve nothing. Because some of the problems that you guys were having when you had this kid, you're gonna still have on the day that you get married, if unless you you're working on things. So getting married doesn't solve anything. In fact, getting married amplifies things too. Resentment sets in. All these particular types of things are are are amplified when we get married when we haven't solved some of these issues before we get married. So a lot of times people tell you, hey, if somebody gets pregnant, oh, just get married, just get married. Are you crazy? What's wrong with you? You know, y'all was fighting before. Doesn't mean that you know that y'all need to get married just because y'all brought this kid into the world, and now this kid gotta see y'all fight. Now, now now what we doing. That part, yeah.

Church, Tithes, And The Real Storehouse

SPEAKER_03 37:55

Well, I'll say I wish um, at least in the environment that we grew up in, that they really explained what dating was because it seemed like as soon as you started dating that you were exclusive, and so you're exclusive. You was like, uh, I can only deal with this one person and learn to accept um like who they just accept stuff that you probably wouldn't accept, but it was like that's the whole package deal. So I wish I would have known, and then I probably would have uh would have dated multiple, not you know, at the well, I guess you could at the same time if it's dating. See, we were told that you can't date multiple people at the same time. That's wrong. That's that's sin it, but no, it was you trying to get to know various people.

SPEAKER_04 38:41

Um that's fun.

SPEAKER_03 38:44

I will say with my wife, who will probably listen to this afterwards. Um we went out one time and that was it. I I saw everything I needed on that day. I need y'all not to laugh. This is not a laugh track. So you you PC next question. Um, what's one thing you wish you knew then that you know now? And would you have actually listened to said advice?

unknown 39:17

No.

SPEAKER_05 39:18

No, this is where I think this is where I think sometimes, well, it's been proven chemically when people are in love, their brains don't work right. So I feel like if I could take a time machine back to some of them people or young ladies that I was like, nah, man, don't leave her, don't talk to that one. I would have gone to myself and said that, and I don't think I would have listened because you were in love. I was like 19, 18, 17, 18.

SPEAKER_03 39:46

Just for people that I yeah, I would have showed you video proof of what your life was gonna be like because of this decision.

SPEAKER_05 39:55

But I would have said, but you don't see how like I would have you see the curve. Like you want me to knock it up. Like you see that window would have been the version blowing the wind. Like, you don't want me to the night, the young version of myself would have been. I would know. I would hope I would have listened to them. But I'm not stupid. Young men and women can be at that age where they don't. And then as they get older, like they we don't listen sometimes. And we need we just need the writing on the wall. Especially at that age. So I don't know. I would say I would hope I would listen. I've always had I've always had this debate with my own self. I've had this conversation in my own head. And I would like to think I would be convincing enough to say don't go down that street. There's wolves now. But I know how a dumb 18, 19-year-old young man are, 20, 21. I'm good. I got this. They're not gonna bite me. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 41:08

That's an interesting question. It's just a little bit of crap. I can do that. It ain't gonna bother me.

SPEAKER_04 41:13

I'll go. Um give y'all time and thanks. I know I just sprung this on you, but I've been thinking about this all day. Um the one thing that I that I wish I would have known now was that I was enough back then. And the reason why is because most of the decisions that I made in my life were made in trying to be and not feeling like that I was enough. That I was good enough, that I was um, that whatever I was doing was okay. Get a car. I had to get a certain car in order to look a certain way because I didn't feel like me in myself was enough. Certain jobs I had to go after because I was like, well, you know, if I really like this job, but this job doesn't say that I'm enough. This job will fill in like a hole that someone's headed that I had for what I felt in myself. So yeah, if I I would go back and tell myself, like, dude, you're enough. And I would keep saying it every day until you know, younger me would have like, okay, because then I would make different moves. I wouldn't try to overextend myself because I'm like, I'm enough. I wouldn't enter in certain relationships in order to or stay in relationships longer than I needed to be because it's like I'm enough to be by myself. I didn't need to be with someone in order to feel whole. Um would have been enough to maybe make choice, different choices in the school that I was would have left. I don't know. There could have been a lot of different choices when I look back, a lot of major choices was like, yo, you're not enough. And then when I realized that I was enough, I began to move differently, I began to react differently. Instead of reacting, I would think instead of being, I think that's where the emotional intelligence comes from. Where you're not just like, oh, I gotta fight, I gotta do all this stuff, I gotta cry, I gotta do all. Like, okay. That's what your view is to me. That's not the only it's not the voice that I hear in my head. The voice that I hear in my head is my voice, and that's the one that's that's what I wish I wouldn't have known back then. Maybe you were 18, maybe you were 16, that I was enough.

“Just Get Married” And Other Traps

SPEAKER_02 43:39

You you know one can you hear me good? Can you hear me good? Yeah. One thing that I uh I've been kind of, well, I've had to reflect on in the last couple of years, well not a couple of years, I'm sorry, in the last uh few years, five, six, seven, eight, nine years. Um, when it came to getting out of a relationship, um, I had to reflect on how I, how can I say this? Not how I approach people, not how I approach people, but but how approachable am I to receiving maybe constructive criticism? And I say that in the in the in the spirit of talking about relationships because when I got out of a very toxic, a very emotionally abusive relationship, when I got out of it, I got really angry at a lot of people that were coming to me saying, Oh my god, I'm so glad that you're done with her. X, Y, Z, oh, she was this, she was that. You know, y'all were no good together. We just said I'm and I'm thinking, like, at what point were you gonna tell me that you could have just told me this year one or two or whenever? And I and I got that from a lot of people, but I'm I had to really think to myself, was I even approachable enough to be able to receive anything that needed to be said? So I I took it as if, you know, if anything that I learned is just like, you know, in it in in order to receive any type of constructive criticism or like to be told, like, hey, you need to stop doing this, you need to do that. Am I approachable enough to be able to be told that? You know, sometimes being having a strong mind and strong will can be a can can can serve you wrong too when you are so strong-minded that can't nobody really tell you anything. You got to hit your bump your head. So, you know, that being in of itself kind of taught me a little bit, even just about myself. I always tell people, in every situation, what is God trying to tell you, not only about the situation, but what is he trying to tell you about yourself? And in that, it kind of taught me about myself that I need to be maybe a little bit more approachable when it comes to being people being able to give me constructive criticism. And I and I even take that into my relationship now, whereas I'm constantly asking, hey, what do you think I need to work on? What do you think I need to improve on? Making sure I watch my tongue, making sure I watch my cadence and how I speak and you know my overall mannerisms or whatever it may be. Because if I'm not able to take any feedback from from anybody or anything like that, what would make me think I would even take feedback from myself? You know, so just food for thought.

SPEAKER_04 46:19

Hmm. Steve's dropping bombs a week.

SPEAKER_06 46:21

I know, right? From from my angle, because of the way my light is set up, it almost looks because Steve is in the background. I don't know, I was watching it. They have videos on the internet about the Black Panthers. All I can see is Steve with this big afro because it's black. That's like a Colin Kaepernick. I see it.

SPEAKER_01 46:43

You know, his Colin Kaepernick. Dropping knowledge. I got that, I got that Yukon snow snow hat on.

SPEAKER_07 46:50

Now you can with his wig on.

SPEAKER_06 46:56

Hmm. What's one thing that I wish I'd have told myself back then, probably to um the power of vulnerability. I I I would have shared with myself just how powerful and life-changing vulnerability is. It's the greatest measure of courage. I spent most of my life avoiding vulnerability because, like, as a man, it was perceived as weakness. Um, when in actuality, it's like the greatest measure of courage. When you think about it, God is vulnerable. Like, there's never been a being on the in this universe more vulnerable than God. He puts a tree in the middle of the garden knowing that we're gonna, it's like leaving a loaded gun next to the person you know is gonna shoot you. What? That don't make no sense. Grammatically incorrect on purpose. I know grammar. And um like knowing that that vulnerability and and speaking and talking about some of the struggles that I had as a person who didn't have the best um snapshot of what being a man, what being a father, what being a husband would look like. Just just having the confidence to be able to just talk freely, you know, as I struggle trying to make my way through marriage. I struggle with pornography, as I struggle with trying to figure things out financially, as I struggle with like all of these things, you you don't verbalize, you just hold it on the inside. I I spent the good a good portion of my um of the first part of my life just trying to figure out how to be something I had never seen. And that was difficult. And um had I had the presence of mind to just verbalize where I was struggling, when I was struggling, and what I was struggling with, I think that that it would have resulted in not only my life being uh very different, but other people who are around me who were also struggling with this same concept. I think that we we could have figured some stuff out a little faster.

SPEAKER_04 49:33

Alright, Pro. So you know, I don't want to lose people. So any parting words, final thoughts? 10 minutes we gotta shut this down. And it may not even be on this topic, but just for this year, right? Something abstract that I just wanted to share.

SPEAKER_02 50:04

Don't let people, social media, or anything like that influence you to make a decision that is lifelong. Go to God first with it with any of these uh things that you're wrestling with. Point blank.

What We Wish We Knew Sooner

SPEAKER_06 50:18

On that note, I would just say, um, yeah, turn it off. It's stressing you out, turn it off. It's making you like anxiety, depress, turn it off. There are so many different studies, and and now certain nations that have um put legislation in place to prevent the negative impact of this incessant media blitz. It's it's it's a blitz on every down. You know, it is it it will cause you to lose your righteous mind, have no joy, no peace, and to live on edge. I have to check myself as a grown behind man, it's just like okay, yeah, let's just turn turn turn it off, turn it off Tuesday, start tomorrow. And um understand that if you focus on what you can control, if if you just do that, instead of being so preoccupied with everything else that's going on in the world, not that we shouldn't care, not that we shouldn't be proactive, not that we shouldn't um be aware and involved like Dr. King on his day, but he he was a difference maker. Like he he wasn't sitting by wondering, uh, I wish there was something we know. What can we do right now? What where can I make a difference right now? Live your life like that instead of in this victim mentality that is just so preoccupied with the things that you cannot control.

SPEAKER_05 52:38

What we would do differently or what we wish people did not tell us. I believe that from what I've seen and read, there are some things that God wants us to experience, and that is making mistakes. We learn grace, we learn acceptance, we learn what it's like to be on that other side where we we feel things that we experience things that are human that we don't experience when we feel like we never messed up. Um, so the goal is to learn from that though. I think there is a place that we get to where we forget that, and I try to show that same thing now that I have kids, I'm trying to remember that before my own mind, but mistakes are meant to happen, but not forever, and repeating the same mistakes becomes a habit that becomes an issue. So um no one is expecting perfection if we're realistic, but at the same time, learning from those mistakes would take us far, and it helps us to not come back and repeat the same stupid decisions that we fall into. Um that way uh it gives us something else to focus on. So after we have prayed and after we have turned it off, we can go focus on our own personal growth and and not fall into that lane of repeating the same cycle of stupidity over and over and over again, and then becoming mad with God and people around us because they were supposed to fix it for us when we saw the pattern ourselves sometimes in some cases. We still wanted to come out broke, kept breaking down. I bought a that ain't everybody's water, or even if they even if it even if they did play a role at some point when you were 18, 17, 20, you can say my parents didn't, but at 40, 50, 60, we in a different lane. And if you're still repeating some of those same habits, we gotta start looking within. Um, so um that's that's my party words. Learn from the mistakes, find a different, find a different route, take a different road. But we can't keep beating our head against the same the same wall.

SPEAKER_03 54:50

Very definition of I'll just close by saying um the bravest thing a a man can do is to study himself with honesty, forgive his flaws and choose to grow. It is that honest as a sense. He discovers not only who he is, but how to love others uh with the gentleness and courage and respect that is needed. Um as always, we you know, we here at the Iron Table will advocate you to you know get a good support system. Um, and a support system isn't just your friends. Find a licensed specialist. If you got not it just because you have some problems, but you have some thoughts, and some thoughts that you need help just um sorting out. We are a strong advocate for mental health. It's not in our community, it's something that we used to shy away from. I'm gonna be honest, we used to shy away from it. But in times like these, in times before these, in times after these, you're going to need to have that type of support system to maintain while we're on this earth, not only just financially, but mentally and emotionally until um that time comes when life here is gone. Well, that's it for the iron table. Um, we thank you for sitting with us this long. We look forward to you catching us um at our next episode, hopefully sometime this year. All right, fellas, it's been real. Thanks for the time. Um, thanks for just being who you are and allowing me to be who I am.

SPEAKER_07 56:43

All right.