The Iron Table
The Iron Table
Walking While Black: Men's Journey to Validation
What happens when a simple health journey becomes a battleground for racial bias? Bryant opens up about a deeply troubling experience that shook his daily walking routine at work. After losing 26 pounds through consistent exercise and better nutrition, his progress was suddenly threatened when a white coworker reported feeling "unsafe" by his presence in the building - despite his 24 years working there and wearing proper identification.
The raw emotion Bryant shares - breaking down in his supervisor's office, feeling the weight of yet another racial microaggression - sparks a profound conversation about how men process trauma. The brothers at the Iron Table dive deep into why men often suffer in silence, internalizing pain rather than seeking support. They explore the concept of validation - what it means, how it differs for each person, and why it's essential for emotional wellbeing.
Keith offers powerful insight: "A lot of men have been broken and stripped down to the point where they don't even feel or they're made to feel bad for needing validation." The group unpacks how society expects men to "take hits on the chin" without acknowledgment of their experiences. They challenge listeners to consider what validation looks like in their own lives - is it problem-solving together, simply being heard, or something else entirely?
The conversation weaves through thought-provoking territory, from the importance of self-validation to how social media has warped our understanding of human connection. As Bryant contemplates returning to his walking routine, his brothers rally around him with both compassion and practical wisdom. Join us for this powerful discussion about racial awareness, emotional resilience, and the courage it takes to speak your truth in a world that often expects men to remain silent.
All right. Welcome to the Iron Table where Iron Sharpens Iron Social Men sharpen men. As always, and Brian, you see our names on the screen, but those who are listening, I got Keith, Danny, and Steve. They done come to the table. Before we get into it, let's take care of some housekeeping. So the Iron Table doesn't own the right to any music used in this segment. So we appreciate the talents and craft of the musicians and only use their music to honor their gifts. Also, you can find recordings on our podcast audio in irontable.budsprouts.com. And for those that are watching on YouTube, you can also hear us on Google Podcasts, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, and of course YouTube. Just search for the Iron Table. Look for us. We're the one smiling. All right. So it has been a minute since we have uh been able to get it all at the table because we are busy people and we have yet to record like 12 episodes in one day because we don't want to change our clothes like that. You know, we unless we just throwing on jackets. You know, one day you might see us where like jackets and everything in the background might look the same. So until then, we like to provide you with fresh content. One day we're going to go live. It might be the what Thanksgiving episode or something. You know, thankful we'll go live and see if we got some questions. But until then, we're just gonna chill. So um, fellas, it's been a minute, so let's kind of do a round robin. I'll end uh because what I have to say kind of gives us uh takes us into today's conversation. So let's all not speak at once, or we'll be a choir.
SPEAKER_02:Brother Jones. Yes, sir.
SPEAKER_04:What's good, man? All right, all right. What you what you been up to?
SPEAKER_02:Oh man, working uh as the the the late great Michael Jackson said, you got they got me working working day and night. So I've been busy um in a good way, but it's been busy. I mean it's been a lot. It's like that's a whole other meeting in itself. Okay building, growing, enlarging territory, new aspirations. Well that too.
SPEAKER_04:For me, I've just been um you know transitioning. Started um the last episode, we were in Salt Lake City since then. I've been passed through Nevada, Arizona, California, back in the East Coast, um, where we've just been yeah, a little bit from New York down right now, North Carolina. And um yeah, just excited to be on the same time zone as the family, back on with the brothers, and uh, excited to get into this conversation, eager to hear what Bryant has been holding back.
SPEAKER_00:All right, our our resident does day preparers.
SPEAKER_03:Um everything's been going good. Uh been traveling and whatnot, but everything's been going decent for the most part. Been blessed. Um and um looking at things from uh a lot of people's perspectives, whatnot, you know, just trying to keep the crazy diet, you know what I mean? Not uh not feed into the frenzy that is uh society at this point.
SPEAKER_04:That's my whole sermon in a half right there. Go ahead, Brian.
SPEAKER_00:All right, so um I'm okay. And of course, we know when a man says he's okay, sometimes he's not, sometimes he is not okay. Um so let me just go ahead and just get into the story. Um you know, since our last not our last podcast, but maybe the one where we brought in uh quick and we were talking about uh health transformation and changes, you know, the one where I got you know clowned and none of y'all stepped in the gap to kind of stop some stuff. Um I have been on a walking journey, and um, that has been a form of exercise to build up uh endurance and also uh just I call it healthier than yesterday tour. Um since then I have uh tried to maintain at least about a 10,000 uh step count per day. Um and on the weekends, uh usually try to increase that to close to 18,000 20. Um, and I have lost about 26 pounds. Yeah, and I've I've incorporated this clear stuff. I I don't know where it is. It's I think it's called water. I've incorporated that in my system.
SPEAKER_04:Bryant, wait, wait, wait, wait. Right. Wait, Bryant is drinking water, yeah. Mr. Mr. Soda Kidney Stone Extraordinaire, and that happened one and a half times.
SPEAKER_00:I think the last one kind of decinerated. I I'm worried because it's probably something still floating around. Um but yes, I've been drinking this uh this clear Pepsi Clear. Let's just say that. Pepsi water. I've been drinking water. Um, I've got a couple of these bottles, keep one in the car, um one uh uh one at work. Um and so I I try to maintain um the step count. And since we've been in the building, um, I I get to work really early. Like I'm at work at five in the morning, um, which means I'm up in the 345-4 range and everything set up. So I am walking, I try to at least get two. Um, three is the max, but I try not to do that at work because you can get sweaty and nobody wants to be around somebody, you know, kind of funky in the in the cubicle world. So I do about two hours. That's about not two hours, two miles, which takes about maybe 40 minutes, you know, because and the way my building is, it's like a a big square. So I'm able to walk around. Well, I've been walking, listening to music, just minding my business. It's dark, ain't no one else there. Uh, maybe a handful of people that get in that early. Most people come in after 6 or 7:30, um, around that time. So I'm walking, just minding my business, and you know, I get my steps in, and I'm posting, you know, letting people know, like, hey, you can it doesn't have to be a lot, just just move. Um, about three days ago, or maybe four days ago, it was about four days ago, it was a a Wednesday. Um, my supervisor comes to me and he and he lets me know that there is a a white lady in the building who feels threatened with me walking around. Um, now I was like, okay, you know, with floor, maybe I can avoid the floor. It was like, nah, it's it's floor 16. Now I work on floor 16. I've been working on the 16th floor for about maybe two, three years. Um, before then, the 17th floor. So I've been in the building and I've been at this job for 24 years now. Um, so I I don't see anyone when I'm walking. There's really no one there, it's dark, so I'm able to walk in peace. Now they have walking groups that walk like around lunchtime, but it's there's a lot of people, and you know, you get tired of waving and saying, Hey, how you doing? and stuff like that. So while he was telling me, um, he was um he was upset. Um, he was I felt myself calming him down. Um, and my natural default was to, okay, well, if she feels that type of way, I would have wished she would have came to me because I thought, you know, I'm I'm a happy, happy Negro. I walk around smiling and and and stuff, no, non-threatening. My hair is, you know, the way it is, not threatening hairstyle or anything. And I I'm wearing a polo shirt and I have on my badge, so I'm supposed to be in there. I go through security just like everyone else. Um, but if she feels some type of way, I say, well, maybe let me remove the color issue and look at it as you know, uh a female male perspective. You don't know me. You you look up and you see this person walking past. Now, I again I don't see her because I walk in the main hallways. I don't walk in between people's cubicles because I believe in you know cubicle etiquette and respect. If I ain't got to come see you, I don't need to come walk past your area. I thought about going to a different floor. Um, and so it it sat with me, and I I was just like, I'm I'm tired. I'm I'm tired of of this. So the next day, you know, and my supervisor told me, you just walk your walk your path. And I was like, Well, I'll I'll think about it. The next day I walked, and it was the worst walk that I've ever had because I spent most of my time looking around, just trying to see who this person might be. Whatever music I was listening to wasn't calming my spirit, it wasn't affecting my peace, it wasn't uh I think I I was it started stress eating cookies because I was just it was just throwing things off because I I had given up like a lot of sugar, um, you know, sodas. I was just trying to be a healthier version, but that day, um, that Thursday, I was I it was the worst walk. It was on my mind. Um a supervisor wanted to talk to me, asked me if I would I do, and I um, and I told my team. I told my team and told my wife, um, and I was just gonna leave it at that. Um, and everyone was hugging me. Uh, supervisor wanted to talk to me, and as we were talking, um, you know, I I was just again that tired feeling. And I broke down, to be honest. I I broke down in the office. I had to, I got up and just walked away. It was like I said, I just can't talk about this anymore because I'm I'm tired. I ain't cursed tired, but I was tired. Um, left work early, and then I was just like, but then I thought, why am I just holding on to this? I need to let people know. If I'm being transparent about my healthy journey, I've got to let people know that there are there may be some bumps in the road. So I posted on Facebook. Um, you know, a transparent moment, very long, and you know, some people chimed in. A lot of people use some tear emojis, angry emojis saying, Don't stop walking, don't do this and that. And you know, I I felt I felt validated, I felt heard. Um, and so in just thinking about that, you know, I was like, you know, well, as men, you know, we kind of suffer in silence sometimes, you know, we we hold on to things, you know, it's not, I don't know if it's toxic masculinity. Um, but you know, it'd be nice if y'all, if y'all have had an experience similar to that or something where you suffered in silence, you know, how what did you do? How did you overcome it? Because I told my team, I was like, it's gonna be a while before I can walk with a clear mind again. Now, yesterday my wife and I, we walked and walked five and a half miles, you know, and it was good because we had our usually our time to connect, to talk, um, to just talk about anything and everything. And of course, after this, probably out, you know, this is during my walking time. So I'm gonna hurry y'all up so I can get out there and get my walk, my steps in. Um, but you know, tomorrow I gotta go to the building. And it'll be the first time since, well, second time since being out there, and so I'm hoping that I have a clear mind. Um, but I got a conference, so I may not be able to do all that. But you know, again, if any of you have an experience um where you suffered in silence, and like what's what did it take out of you? Um, what did you do in order to um correct it? And just also while you're thinking about that, you know, um, also think about this, you know, why do we as men feel reluctant to share our feelings when we've experienced trauma, a traumatic experience? So it doesn't matter who, just just chime in.
SPEAKER_03:Well, well, you know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna begin this by saying this is probably one of my uh this is probably one of the suits that doesn't that does not work well with me at all because I have a very hard time holding my tongue as Keith probably knows in the worst place.
SPEAKER_00:You can get over to the the the sensor button. I got you, Steve.
SPEAKER_03:When I've been done wrong, or somebody, even in that situation, I just know me. I would have gone around and asking people, like, hey, have you noticed me walking? I've been asking everybody, everybody that's saying, Hey, I'm silent. So, to be honest with you, you know, sometimes it's not a bad thing to be. I'm not gonna say suffering. Sometimes silence is necessary because I just know me and my whoo uh uh I wouldn't be able to hold it in. You know what I mean? I I need to know, you know, who who's X, Y, and Z, who you know, y'all need to come talk to me, XYZ. Keith know, he Keith knows a situation we have where somebody wrote an email and I printed that email out and I put it around the whole entire building. And I was going to pick up his office. Hey, y'all see y'all see this email? I was sharing it with everybody, y'all see this it.
SPEAKER_00:Was it a generic email or did it come from the person?
SPEAKER_03:It came from a supervisor. It surely did. It surely did. And that's I don't think me and that supervisor never said not one word to me ever since until my um departure. And I didn't, I don't think I left until like a year later or whatnot. But that's just kind of how I that's just me. I look, I'm we we gonna talk about this. We go, but again, that's not always a good thing. So, you know, sometimes being in silence, I don't say about suffering, that's gonna be half of another thing, but sometimes silence is good so that way you do not end up getting fired, you know, for going off the handle. So, you know, I don't know is if there's been a time I've ever suffered in silence in the workplace. I have to think more about that, like just you know, in general, outside of the workplace.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I said Steve, you bring up a ballad. Um, you you brought up something in me because like Proverbs 15:1, it talks about how even a fool is considered wise when he holds his tongue. People think he's smart because he refuses to say anything stupid, you know, and I'm wondering, even against the backdrop of this conversation, we know that the time for everything, and the season for every activity at the sun. But when when, as men, is it ever appropriate to hold? And when when do we need to hold and just like get whatever negative feelings out like you did at work? You know, and I applaud you for even like saying that publicly. It's like, yo, I broke down, yes, I was not okay, yes, it was overwhelming to me, and I had a moment, and we have moments all the time. The problem is most oftentimes we're not having them in the presence of other people who can help get added perspective that can help shift and get us off the hamster wheel of our own stinking thinking. And so, yes, I have to answer your first question. I have suffered in silence. I can think of a host of issues from going through divorce to struggling with pornography to having um um not not enough resources to take care of my family by myself and needing to lean on family during during a season of life, and it's just like it's it's never a good feeling to uh it's never a good feeling for for men usually to to get vulnerable. It's like taking off your clothes on the subway, and um I've seen that happen.
SPEAKER_06:So yeah, I'm gonna say that Chicago.
SPEAKER_02:We see that DC, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I saw I didn't see the stuff, but I it came pretty close. Just ran right past me. Heard he assaulted somebody on the train naked.
SPEAKER_02:It's hard to find a naked person, but yeah, it's like yeah, but uh I'll still say that yes, I've been there.
SPEAKER_04:I absolutely feel like we we need to have community, which is what the R Table continuously preaches, where like safe space, people who've earned the right to be to be there for you, to see you break down, um, and to be with you while you're not okay until you transition. And they don't have to have the right words, they don't have to have, you know, just like people who can just bro, I'm here administer your presence. Um, but against the backdrop of Proverbs 15.1, I'm I'm wondering if it's time to, if there's ever a time in this context to just like, you know, I'm not saying nothing. I'm just gonna just so more questions that I have than than answers, probably.
SPEAKER_02:All right, Otis devil comes to kill, steal, and destroy. So we still hear we didn't get rapture. That's y'all fault. So I'm sorry that lady stole your peace and attempted to steal your joy through the kingdom of the devil with them lies and the insecurities he creates. But I'm glad, like Danny said, you had to wherewithal to talk about it. Now, me, I feel like I told you when you told me, you need me pull up because I walk with you with my picket sign.
SPEAKER_00:The the crazy thing is that everybody I told seemed was angrier than me. And now I'm like, Is there something wrong with me? Because I'm like, you know, walking is a less violent movement than marching. Oh, yeah, right. So we could have walked. I had people ready to throw chairs.
SPEAKER_02:No, tell this lady.
SPEAKER_00:I don't even know who she is.
SPEAKER_02:Well, that's what I said. I told you, get a t-shirt, put it on. She's gonna read it from the 16th floor. She's gonna look down and see you again, and she's gonna read what's on your t-shirt. Mind your business. That's that's t-shirt one, that's Monday. What you looking at Tuesday, one walking has been my favorite. One walking or 20 marching, because we're ready.
SPEAKER_04:We ready. Because, like you said, walking is not a violent activity. That might be my shirt.
SPEAKER_02:Walking is not about it's just like what and the threatened too. What because that's the favorite word. I I feel I don't know who this is, and I feel like you're not even on the same, like you're not even nowhere near this woman. So for them to be able to do it. And and you've been doing it so consistently that if something bad was gonna happen, it would already happen. Minding your business. So I feel threatened that I'm being watched without my permission. I would make it feel stupid.
SPEAKER_03:But you know what?
SPEAKER_00:You I was gonna say the crazy thing is that I found myself looking at um white women wondering if this is that person for everyone that I did not know. And I know that you know, not all white people are evil or anything like that. Um, but again, that just ruined that ruined my day. Um, that Thursday, I I didn't even stay at work. I had to take a mental health day for the rest of the day because I was just like, it's I'm not me wondering, worried about her feelings and her peace in spite of my my own health.
SPEAKER_02:Jericho wall of Jericho, right?
SPEAKER_03:Keep walking, but you know what? You know what? I want you to also consider, um, and I wouldn't leave it out the realm of possibility because I've seen corporations do this as silly as it is, as preposterous as it is, just have an understanding that we live in a society um in a time frame right now of uh disinformation, right? Um always keep in the back of your mind in the possibility because corporations and entities that we work for are not always in the best interest of us, and sometimes they're trying to get sometimes rid of people who they can, you know, kind of get rid of or whatnot, because sometimes when they're with when they're told certain things, they act in a certain way to you know, oh now we can fire you. There might be the real possibility there may there may not even exist a woman that said anything to you or or about you, and they're just trying to get rid of oh yeah, but you see what I'm saying? So you know, and I and like my thing is looking at it from a logical perspective, I've you know, I've seen corporations and businesses actually just create chaos sometimes just to get rid of people, kind of like reminiscent of how society is right now. So there's a possibility like this lady doesn't even exist.
SPEAKER_00:They're trying to you a you a good employee of she exists because you know her supervisor came and talked to mine. So um, and he asked me, he said a name, I can't even remember what the name is because I was it I went to the place of shock and like whoa, and again, I thought, and forgive me for thinking this, you know, being in the government for 24 years, making a certain amount of money, reaching a certain level. I thought that okay, that I was I was you have pigment rides from that pigment.
SPEAKER_02:That's why I said if I come up there, she will be so appreciative of you for not being me.
SPEAKER_04:That's yeah, you'd be well. I will say, yeah, I probably would be petty too. I probably come up with a new song that if if I can't see her, she can at least hear my new song while I'm walking. Well, I will walk around singing something. Bells and whistles, nefarious, and a crazy and interesting thing.
SPEAKER_03:I will say this there are people that I see a hat with a propeller on and walk around.
SPEAKER_00:Now I've seen some people on different floors, and I'll and I've and I'll say hello. And I think they've gotten again. Everyone who sees me has gotten used to seeing me um walking.
SPEAKER_04:And we should get a t-shirt for you. This non-threatening black man who likes to walk.
SPEAKER_02:Oh we're telling you, that's that's that's day four. I said I got all these ideas for shirts, wear them every day.
SPEAKER_00:You do know I I work in a government building and need to go to work professional, right?
SPEAKER_02:What's what's bad about that? You on your break. You could be 15 minutes in the t-shirt while you walk. You can take that t-shirt right off after you put it over top of your clothes. This is strictly to make the white woman acknowledge where we are.
unknown:Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You're safe. I ain't nobody think, ain't nobody think about you. I'm on my own. I do not care.
SPEAKER_03:I'm I'm telling you, look, let's put let's let's press a place a bet because y'all heard it here first. This lady don't exist.
SPEAKER_04:He's trying to say it's a C O N spirit.
SPEAKER_02:No, this person is telling you. No, but go back to the question about suffrage. Yes, as I personally believe that we are wired to absorb more without responding. But when we respond, have mercy. But I'll put it this way, and it's not all women, because some women do go through this too, but most women are very expressive to the point where they'll even remind you, I carried you for nine months and went through 20 hours of labor, like they're gonna remind you of their suffrage. Where I will say, men, we typically a lot of times we forget, and we have to be reminded that we went through because I got the Stephen Danny. Yeah, I told you that y'all telling me stuff like wait, what? Oh my god, a lot of us are wired to push through, push through, push through, push through. So I say that to say, I'm glad you were cognizant in the moment. You have people there to support you, and you're gonna get through this. This is one of the dumb things that remind us of the world we live in, and we think it's fine.
SPEAKER_00:No, it's just gonna take some time. It's gonna take some time, okay? So um that was part one. Part two, you're gonna really talk about this word validation. What does validation or being validated do for a man?
SPEAKER_02:It pushes his chest out, puts oxygen in his lungs, so it fills him up. Picks him up off the ground.
SPEAKER_00:So one of the conversations I've had, not um in at home and even at work, you know, is talking about validation. And does validation, um, does validating one's experience and feelings mean you totally agree with what they're going through, or that you acknowledge that their experience is real for them?
SPEAKER_03:So I think it's different for it's different for everybody, though. You got to ask that question, like what is and a lot of times I'm talking talking to couples and they're saying, hey, I need him to validate me, or I need him to reassure me, or or or she or whatever it is. And I just gotta ask him, okay, that's that's fine. But first and foremost, not only do you need to tell that person what validation looks like for you, do you even know at this point in time? Because you're just saying a word and that you've heard everybody say, but you probably don't even know what validation is. That goes not even just for validation, but apologies or reassurance, all those particular things. We ask for these things, but we don't even know what it is that we need. So we got to ask first because it's different for everybody and looks different for everybody. What does that even mean for me? And you know, and once I figure out what that means and what that looks like, I have to let that person know hey, this is what I need. It's almost like uh, you know, love languages, like we've talked about before, right? They got the love languages, but they also have the apology languages too, as well. There's a book on that. There's languages in each. Different type of category that we could talk about, so validation is his own language, too, that it differs from each person, and we gotta ask, we gotta start asking these questions not of the other person first, but of ourselves. What does it look like for me? So that way I can communicate to the other person, hey, in order for you to validate me, this is what it looks like, and this is what I need from you, and and then it's vice versa. Okay, you're gonna probably need me to validate you. What does it look like for you? Healthy conversation, communication, but you know, in this day and age that don't exist.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so so does it mean that I like if I'm going through something? Oh, these funny lights, um, that it that you're supposed to say, okay, you know what? That is real. You that really happened. I'm sorry, or is it, oh, I'm no, like, oh, okay. Why do you feel that way? Like, I always thought validation opens communication, and it doesn't feel like it's always that you totally agree with me, or we use the words, I agree, you know, you're right. Um, but validation is just always just acknowledging, you know what, it from your lens, that could be true, or that is true. Let's talk about it to see if that is, you know, if we give context, you know, Keith and I always talk about uh context as not being, you know, given an excuse. Because I think sometimes when we talk to um those that we love and they're upset with us, and we're giving, you know, we're we're giving context, they it's easy to look at it as some type of excuse, and like, no, let me give you all of the picture, and then whatever decision you make after that, I can rock with that because you've got all of that. These lights are funny today. I'm gonna have to keep my hand on this button. Um, so validation, you know, what does it mean to to you guys? And you know, is it and again for a man? How important is it um for a relationship? How important is it?
SPEAKER_04:I I'll say this from the perspective of somebody who's um um had to interact with a variety of different people, even from my previous career as an educator. There were often times where I had a parent or even a student who was irate, who was just like fired up and ready to fight. What I found to be extremely helpful is just hearing somebody out. So are you saying XYZ elemental P and that you're feeling A, B, C, D, E, F, G, and they're like, yeah. I understand that. And you've got the and ministry, you you go into whatever. But what I found is that oftentimes when you are able to successfully restate somebody's experience, it just drops all of the ammo out of that gun that they shoot in your way because they're they're trying to be heard. And at the point that you've demonstrated that I actually heard you, they don't have no more, like that's the whole point. And then they're okay abiding by whatever it is that you have to say, upholding whatever policy, you know, giving whatever, because you heard me, and I understand that this was the rule before I just was frustrated, I need to get this out. And once I'm heard, it's then I don't have to keep yelling, screaming, huffing, puffing, doing the absurd. And I don't know. I I think that getting to the place where we can agree to disagree. I'll say this, Van, um that since our last podcast, I'm gonna bring him up, Charlie Kirk, so the algorithm can pick it up. Charlie, all right, he died. That's all we're gonna say. Um, and um, but what was interesting is Van Jones, who is on the complete opposite spectrum, and Van will tell you, we are not friends, we never were friends, and if he was alive, we never probably would be friends. But Charlie Kirk sent Van a message like the day before he died, and he in this message was affirming the right to have civil discourse where they could agree to disagree perfectly, where they could have an exchange, know that they're never gonna see eye to eye, but be able to make sure that each other's perspective was um seen and heard. And I think that the ability to understand what somebody is saying who you disagree with, I think that's a superpower that we've lost as a society. I think that's the reason why we're at each other's throats. I think that's why the seed of division um is so prevalent among us because we don't know how to sit with somebody who is saying something that we don't agree with and say, you know what, I see it from your perspective, but I disagree.
SPEAKER_03:You know, um, in a um being able to say even just what it means to me personally, I think um as a man, I definitely value um if I come to somebody with a problem and you know, I want them to validate me. My validation looks like you being willing to um problem solve with, you know what I mean? Not only just you know acknowledge that, hey, you feel a certain, you know, I'm you know, they acknowledging that I feel a certain way about it, but being able to just say, okay, cool. So, you know, what what what are you gonna do or what can we do to, you know, make this either problem go away, make it you know, less or whatever, anything like that. But being able to take the time out and problem solve with me lets me know that you care enough to uh care enough about how I feel to make sure either this doesn't happen or to you know see me through it with problem solving. So, you know, for me, problem solve sitting taking time and sitting there to problem solve with me shows validation for me.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, all right, come on, Keith.
SPEAKER_02:I know you're gonna learn I have so many examples in my head, but uh validation because like Steve said, it can look like so many different things in so many different ways, but it's necessary, but even before we get to that place of defining what it looks like to us, being reminded that you are worthy of it. Um a lot of men have been broken and stripped down to the point where they don't even feel or they're made to feel bad for needing that. You're your guy, you're not supposed to need validation, you're supposed to take this hit on the tongue and get up and keep moving. But what they don't know that the previous generations did is that you gotta pour into this man. Um but I've heard some say, well, he all right, he's supposed to be able to take this, he's a man. And to not validate his experience, whether it be his childhood, his upbringing, or just the difference in how he was raised. Because sometimes with couples, that's that's where a lot of the conflict comes from. You know, we come from two different backgrounds, we merge merge together to this new relationship, and it's hard to grow. But in many relationships, there's this this hypocrisy where as a as a woman, I need to be validated and cared for. But your feelings, your thoughts, your needs are based on if I feel you're worthy or not. So getting to the space where we realize there's room on the table for everybody. That forces us to a place where we actually start to think, what do I want? What do I need? Because a lot of us men don't even know what we want and need. So when we're asked, we can't articulate. We've never had anybody actually care before. Or they care as long as they can get something out of us. And so being being able to say at work, at home, people in your life, that you know, uh my thoughts and feelings are real. Um and I like what Danny said about, you know, sometimes just listening. In this field I'm in, I've had people sit down and tell me that they are Jesus Christ who has returned to earth.
SPEAKER_03:And I had to sit and listen to with a straight face.
SPEAKER_02:With a straight face.
SPEAKER_03:I had clear passion.
SPEAKER_02:Right. Right.
SPEAKER_03:I've had a few people. And it was a and it was a dude.
SPEAKER_00:So uh something that you said.
SPEAKER_02:By the way, I was there. The outcome of those situations always flow better, even when I just sit and I listen. I think we go to God a lot of times with the to God. But God listens when we pray. He knows we're gonna be okay, and he reassures us. But I'm sorry, what's your question?
SPEAKER_00:All right, um, give Danny a moment to discover.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, so so something that you said that really stuck out, where you said for some in some relationships, some couples, a woman will need to feel validated like all the time, but her validation of a man or another man is based on if she feels it, not if, and that doesn't feeling does not say if someone has earned it or because you could have earned it, but if a person doesn't feel it, that's what leads to the letdown because a lot of us have are doing things to earn the love, earn the affection, earn the attention, earn the validation, and when it comes back void, we're bankrupt.
SPEAKER_00:And then it probably makes the man feel like I'm not gonna do anything, or or I can't go to you for the validation, which then opens the door for someone else to validate.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, and and a lot of times when that happens, it's a slippery slope. You got that uh P that that that Diddy baby baby oil on the slide, and uh yeah, Johnson real real careful.
SPEAKER_00:Johnson and Johnson just came back from that, man. Now we we just sent them back a couple of couple of uh months again. Come on.
SPEAKER_03:But you know what, and this speaks to what society is going to and whatnot. Um, and it's very important that we realize how we consume things kind of shapes us as human beings, especially when we're talking about validation. I was reading a book that's talking about like how the internet is kind of changing our minds on how we interact with other um human beings, and um, it's talking about how looking at videos, content on social media, posts, or anything like that, and we see something and it's funny, X, Y, and Z, and then we read comments. The comments isn't really to see what other people are saying about it, it's to validate that we feel like this is funny. Well, let's see if everybody anybody else thinks it's funny. Let's see if anybody else thinks it's bad, X, Y, and Z. And that's all, and that's all fine and dandy until you introduce what the internet has now become. Because a lot of the the comments are just bots trying to get people to fight with each other and whatnot, and get people to and agitate. So, my thing is now I'm looking for validation from the comments, and we unconsciously are doing this, but I'm I'm not getting validation from these particular things that really don't exist, and it's creating me to be able to, when I need to talk to somebody else in real life and get some validation, we really don't know how to do it because guess what? Every time that I see somebody commenting on something on these particular devices that we use all the time, it's always disagreement. It's always disagreement. That's where you're seeing people being more aggressive now in real life, being more aggressive driving in the stores or whatnot. We're learning, not we're relearning not how to you know be able to agree with each other. So I think even in trying to learn validation, sometimes we got to turn certain things off. Sometimes we got to watch a video for what it is, or look at a post for what it is, and sometimes maybe leave the comments to itself. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wish they could kind of just turn off comments sometimes because we're not getting real, and it's giving us a false sense of what validation is really looking like. But I want people to start thinking about it. Like we're unconsciously looking at comments and posts and videos, not to see really what everybody else is talking about, but for validation that we of what we feel the video is is relaying to us. So there's something to think about.
SPEAKER_00:No, I agree. I mean, spending a lot of time is it's gonna have some type of effect. Um, I I remember my son was asking me, you know, about this uh podcast and YouTube. He was like, How many views do you have? I was like, son, I really don't care. I mean, because the main thing is influence. I'm not trying to influence the masses, I'm trying to reach this one person. And just that one person means that that's who it was meant for. Um, I agree. If people are looking at the comments, hey, more power to you. It's somebody that you don't know, probably has no real vested interest in your in your success or your failure.
SPEAKER_03:Um it just or doesn't exist.
SPEAKER_00:Do I exist?
SPEAKER_03:I'm I'm look, I'm I'm just saying, like if you I mean you can see it in any post that you're looking at. You can click on the person's um page that has just like said something just outrageous to something, or just something that's just a so left left field or right field. And this person, you're like, well, hold on. They they they only have two two comments, and they were just they just subscribed or whatever yesterday, or or just came to existence yesterday, like, and then got a crazy picture. It it's there's and again, I'm saying this because of just reading some books and reading, looking at some videos, man. They they have bought farms in other countries, like thousands, thousands of them that are made to, you know, they're they're put out there just to sway people a certain way. And you're looking at some of these comments, like, why would somebody say something like that? Why that's so crazy. Why would they this or why would just why would they say something so outrageous? It's being it's being fabricated for you know us to kind of get an under not get an understanding, but to start thinking and thinking a certain way. Think the way they want us to think, yeah. Exactly. So my thing is is like in order for us to come back to reality, sometimes we got to turn certain things off and see it for see it for what it is right now, so that way we can start thinking clearer. Because guess what? That seeps over into our relationships, not only just you know, man and woman, but our relationship with our kids, relationships with our bosses, relationship with our co-workers, relationships with people that we are just out in the world with, whether it be on the freeway, grocery stores, or whatever, and we're turning into these these these uh comment sections right now. That's what it looks like. The whole world is just a comment section.
SPEAKER_00:So before we go get too far off, um do y'all have any um any tips, tricks, something to give to the brothers out there who um, in order to kind of help them to get validation from the person which they're trying to get it from, not force it, but to kind of direct it where they get maybe closer to it. Um, because I can tell you when you when you're arguing over you know validating feelings, you're not coming out with a so I and I know the Bible says soft answer, you know, turns away wrath. Or um, but how we we gotta leave the people with something.
SPEAKER_04:I'm gonna say it right here, I'm gonna leave it alone. You gotta validate your own self, exactly, and and um not not be looking for one one um one artist put it like this if you live for their acceptance, you can substitute the word validation, you live for their acceptance, you're gonna die from their rejection. And so um we we've gotta understand that um what God said is enough. What God said about me. Yeah, I don't need David's own daddy, would just like he was invisible, you know. It's just like he just didn't even exist. Samuel had to say, is it is this it? At least the only oh my bad. I got you know, I do got this this other little dick. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Did I just bring old? Somebody go get David. He out there, yeah. Tell David, come in.
SPEAKER_04:And so what the Lord said to Samuel, we need to we need to bring to the context of this conversation because man is looking on the outward appearance, man is gonna have that external effect. It's God was looking on the heart, and what he says is all that matters. That's all I'm saying. Learn how to validate yourself, everything we know about Jesus, he said about himself. Like he wasn't looking for external validation, it was like, okay, yeah, they they follow me today. Now they're ready to leave me tomorrow. It's just like okay. I called it. You'll never he said he he put it this way He said, John the Baptist came fast, and you say he had a demon. The son of man comes eating and drinking, you say he had glutton, the friend of Texas.
SPEAKER_00:You're gonna say something, you're gonna say something. Can't win.
SPEAKER_04:Validate yourself, okay.
SPEAKER_00:Validate yourself.
SPEAKER_04:That's it, and hold on to what God, what the truth of what God said about you, and let every let every man, every bot, every feminine, demonic spirit from the pit of hell.
SPEAKER_00:Um I'm sorry, somebody heard what you said too. We're gonna get a comment about that. So that that little you said it's low. We can't caucus in this. We can't we can't do that.
SPEAKER_04:Censor me. I'm gonna do my permanent defraud.
SPEAKER_00:So if we if for many years, and I always say like a habit, it takes a long time to undo habits or ways of life. If I and I'm gonna use me, if I have been looking for validation from you know, from my wife, my partner, how do I change from not because that it almost seems like that's almost similar to not caring and indifference? Seems like it, it's different, seems like it, okay. Yeah, so we're so you gotta explain the difference because there's somebody who's like, you know, you basically telling me not to care if yeah, that's like saying a little kid doesn't want validation for his parents.
SPEAKER_04:Like you as humans, like you said, like that it's important to have. I'm saying that we can't base the existence. Come on, help help me out, brothers.
SPEAKER_02:We can't base our whole exemption on whether they give us one or two compliments or not. Um there's some things we do because like well, I'll speak for myself. I tell everybody my first objective of the day, whether I pass or fail, is to please God. So if I don't hear any feedback pros, cons, you cannot bless or curse me because if I did what God asked me to do that day, I'm happy. I'm good. I have the joy of the Lord. I went out, helped the homeless, went out, mentored a child, went out, went to visit the sick or the or those who are locked up. Like again, if I'm doing things that bring fulfillment, I'm not looking for you to tell me that I need to be in a mansion driving a Maserati. Like, because those are not the things that motivate, those are not the things that will inspire me to be a better person. So that type of validation falls on deaf ears because the mission or the goals are not aligned, but when you are trying to explain to others what you need, because sometimes we do need validation, and sometimes we do need to hear that we're doing, we're on the right track, or that we are we're growing, because that's that's one of the ones I don't want to be stagnant, and even when things don't feel like they're moving, like a lot of human beings, I'm like I'm with y'all. When things seem like they're not moving, my fear or concern is are they stagnant? So, you know, sometimes I need God to tell me, or even my wife has said, you know, we're it's okay. We you know, it's it's we good, it's okay.
SPEAKER_04:And you have a you have a present tense, a good wife.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, there you go, right there, right there. That part right there. You gotta, because if you are not even, I'm not even gonna say validated, but there's different ways of how you can validate somebody. But if if there's anybody on earth that you will want validation from, and it can come in in different types of ways, should be your spouse. But that also means you have to communicate, you have to communicate with them. Hey, this is what I need from you, and what do you need from me? Let's make this work. Everybody else, maybe your children too, sometimes, but they they'll disappoint you. It is what it is. But your spouse, sometimes, you know, out of everybody in the world, hey, I don't care. I I'll give you an example. I there was a situation where um I got my, you know, I I think I told you guys I bought my girl a uh 7079 triple blue Corvette with 30,000 miles on it, right? For her one of her birthdays in the past. It came to be that the person that was working on the car um went to the went to the spot and I car every all the cars were gone. Nothing there. Cars were gone, nothing in the shop. I'm panicking at this point. I'm thinking like I done heard people do away with, you know, ripping people off getting their cars. So, you know, long story short, you got the car back, everything is fine. It was a huge misunderstanding or whatnot. But the thought in my head was I disappointed her. Because I made, I, you know, I chose the XY dude. I've I've disappointed her. So I have to make sure that she is not disappointed by correcting this particular thing. So when we're talking about validation and disappointment, making sure that we are doing things that people like or whatnot, definitely your spouse should be one of those people that you do not want to disappoint, that you make sure you are validating. I don't, I'm not gonna put that energy that I I felt when getting of retrieving this car back on anybody else but her. You know what I mean? So that in that same sense, validation, you know, out of you, this is my spouse. I should be putting that energy into this person. Because if we try to put that energy to every single person that we meet, or every single family member, or every single friend, it's not to say that sometimes you don't do it. We'll we don't have any bandwidth. Because it goes back to the hierarchy. My in my eyes, the hierarchy is God, your spouse, if you got one, your kids, then you, then family, every then family, everybody else after that. But you know, your spouse comes second only to God, you know, so that energy should be directed towards them. But again, also understanding if we're not validating ourselves with God too as well, making sure that, like you said, Keith, you said, um, doing right by God first. How can we even expect to valid, you know, you know, be be validated by anybody else at this point in time, you know, if we're not validated by God and ourselves. And then also, I guess, what does that even look like? The certain peace. What does validation from God look like?
SPEAKER_00:That that's gonna have to be a uh a part two. It's we we already passed our allotted, not our allotted.
SPEAKER_03:Brian, you are not validating my feelings. I want to talk about it. You are not validating my okay, all right. Validate me. Validate me. I'm Killiopatra. Okay, validate me.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, goodness, okay. We will talk about that. You want to talk about it? We can talk about it now. I'm just playing with you, baby. I'm just playing with it. Somebody's watching will be like, Brian, doesn't validate after all this stuff. He said at the end of the day, he did not validate.
SPEAKER_03:See, but look what you just did though. Somebody gonna sit. Somebody gonna say somebody gonna say, and if they say it, let them say it. So what?
SPEAKER_02:Because there's a time and place for everything under the sun. Sometimes it is time not to co-sign foolishness. Yes, you'll say it. Just say it. I want to say it.
SPEAKER_00:I'm gonna tell the people don't come in the podcast. We haven't used the sensor button. Don't come in.
SPEAKER_02:Don't come in the therapy, but I'm gonna co-sign your warm it up. Warm that button up.
SPEAKER_00:No, um, our table after dark. We could, but that we're gonna have to make sure we explain what that is.
SPEAKER_04:Wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. That sounds like uh uh never mind, let me stop.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's why we have to explain it. That's anyway. So um thanks. But uh before we go, two things. Uh I I gotta get this off my chest. Steve, you need to watch the Temptations movie. Okay, all right. Here you're gonna put me out there like that. All right, there is the number one thing in all of black culture, ain't nobody came to see you Otis. There were kids that probably were gonna be named Otis that year that got dropped. It was like, nah, we we gonna call them Cleophys or something. We we are not naming our child Otis. And then um, secondly, this is for day because I don't know when the next time I'm gonna see you. You have made me dislike about 97% of boys the men's songs. I was trying to don't go away from me. And even in the beginning, I was like, girl, I'm sorry. I'm now I'm asking, sorry for what? What did you do? And I like that song. That song came out, it was like a powerful ballad, and now you have made it a cliche. You're welcome.
SPEAKER_03:I hate started listening to some of these songs you like. Don't Rick James got a song called She Was Only.
SPEAKER_06:What was the what's the age?
SPEAKER_03:She was only 1617. 1617.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it was a hit, had a teen in it, yes, back then. Yeah, but no we are talking about boys the men and how Danny has turned my fault. They don't nobody listen to them now. Yeah, even how it started. Hey girl, I'm sorry, and then now I hear Danny's voice.
SPEAKER_04:What now I see why Mike had to go first? Nah, Mike got to go. It got nothing to do with whether or not he can dance. That matter long, yeah. Mike, he might got it.
SPEAKER_00:He got Mike. So now I can't. I can't uh is let it snow. Did they can I listen to Let It Snow?
SPEAKER_04:Let it snow is all right in December.
SPEAKER_00:Only in December. Only in December.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, all right.
SPEAKER_00:Well, but I just had to get that off my chest, and everyone needs to hear that you you have turned boys to men against me. I I can't listen to it.
SPEAKER_02:You are you have been awakened, you're welcome.
SPEAKER_00:Right, you I want the red pill. Let me go back to to I listen to Motown Philly and you know, on bended knee, and I'm out in the middle of the desert with my shirt and the and the wind blowing, but the stand ain't moving, and there's the piano somewhere in the you definitely want the red pill. Ooh, we're it's changed, but I just wanted to acknowledge that.
SPEAKER_03:So shame on you, Danny. Run this man's original experience.
SPEAKER_00:So, fellas, I just want to you know thank you again. Um this was uh therapeutic for me, especially to talk about uh my walking experience. Um thanks for encouraging me, uh for making me laugh uh with the threats of uh nonviolent violence. Um a lot of picketing, and and I've I've told people before uh, dude, you're in the back making buttons. I can't put you on the on the lunch counter. Well, we need a not a peaceful movement. So but I I know I got a village. And I got people out there. So uh before we wrap up, you know, y'all closing, closing final thoughts. Uh parting words. But how do I say that? Here we go. Parting words or final thoughts.
SPEAKER_02:Um, I'll go first. Parting words. Devil comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Don't let this lady, don't let this world steal your joy, steal your peace. If you change your mind and you want me to come up there, I will come up there. I might get you fired a little bit. But I get a little bit fired. Listen, I might get you fired a little bit. A little bit, but we're gonna we're gonna find out who it is. No, oh for sure. Yeah, we'll find out. I guarantee we can find out who it is, though. We're gonna walk that 16th floor. Yeah, we will tell them.
SPEAKER_04:Hide your wife.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my thank you for making me remember that that oh my god. Oh, I can hide your oh, I can see your statement. Thanks, Danny.
SPEAKER_04:That's those those are my parting words. Hide your kids, hide your wives.
SPEAKER_03:Hide your wives because we they go up.
SPEAKER_04:I have someone else, please.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, we're gonna break learn to validate yourself through the lens of God before looking for it from anyone else, and then go from there.
SPEAKER_00:See, see, see what Keith did. See, follow that model. Follow that model.
SPEAKER_02:You want him to follow me?
SPEAKER_03:You know what? You and you, you know what I learned? It's it's not anybody but Keith. Keith is I I asked Keith. I said, Keith, when y'all was in school, I bet you they got in trouble for your shenanigans. You probably did a whole bunch of stuff, and they got caught, not you. It's Keith, it's him. It's him. I was in a different class, sir. I said, Yep. I know it is. He said Danny couldn't keep it together laughing and whatnot. I was laughing.
SPEAKER_00:Uh Dean Perry came in. We were playing video games, and we just rolled out. Someone went through a window, ran past him.
unknown:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it was it was after after times. We were still playing live 96. So you old. I am all right, Steve.
SPEAKER_03:Um, just people learn to unplug, man. You know, this this world getting a little bit silly right now. Just unplug. We can't hope to fix ourselves if we still tune in to this nonsense that's on the um the news, social media, whatever it may be. Unplug, read a book. Something, you know, just unplug.
SPEAKER_00:All right. I'll just say, just uh when met with struggle, just have just measure your response, you know. Um to not to not say you you have a right to say your feelings, um, to say how it makes you feel. Just make sure the the setting and the environment is something that won't make things worse. Um but holding it in and internalizing it is not is not always the answer. And we gotta we gotta stop doing that.
SPEAKER_03:All right. Well, that was very Martin Luther King of you. It sure was. So now you know what I've been talking about. Ah that ain't me. And that ain't me.
SPEAKER_00:Pour out a cup of wrath on these people, which y'all had me watch. I actually ordered the boondock series just to watch that one MLK thing, and and I was like, wow, yeah, wow, what is Samuel Jackson's line?
SPEAKER_02:Uh I hope she uh Tommy don't say it. I hope she burned it.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, she deserved to die.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, that only really mutes me. It's never muted y'all. It's just uh shows now. All right, fellas. Well, this has been the iron table. Iron sharpens iron, so should men sharpen men. Of course, uh, as always, I'm fortunate to have these these three guys. They they keep me leveled because if not, I'd probably be looking at things from the mountaintop. So all right, bros. Well, I'm gonna say I love y'all. I'm glad to see y'all and hope the rest of this week goes uh pretty smoothly. All right. Peace.
