The Iron Table
The Iron Table
What's in His Marriage Wishlist?
What truly matters to men in a marriage? Beyond the clichés and stereotypes lies a more nuanced reality that the Iron Table podcast explores with remarkable candor and insight.
During this revealing conversation, the hosts unpack the five essential qualities men seek in marriage partners. While physical attraction might spark initial interest, lasting marriages demand much more substantial foundations. As one host poignantly shares, he specifically sought a partner who could complement his weaknesses—someone capable of setting boundaries where he struggled to do so himself.
The discussion navigates through deeply personal territory as the group examines how sexual intimacy creates a unique bond between spouses. They emphasize that physical connection requires thoughtful compromise and communication from both partners. This frank exploration highlights how neglecting this aspect of marriage can lead to resentment or vulnerability to outside temptations.
A surprising revelation emerges around the concept of "coachability"—the willingness to receive feedback and grow together. The hosts agree that marriages thrive when both partners maintain growth mindsets and remain open to constructive criticism. This quality enables couples to evolve together rather than growing apart when facing life's inevitable challenges.
Perhaps most touching is the conversation about affirmation. Men deeply value partners who believe in them and express that belief both privately and publicly. This affirmation becomes a powerful motivator, helping them pursue goals with confidence. The hosts also acknowledge their responsibility to provide the same encouragement to their wives—creating reciprocal support systems.
The episode concludes with wisdom about maintaining a "we" perspective in marriage. By viewing relationships as partnerships where both people work toward common goals, couples can truly "conquer the world" together. Sometimes this means simply being present for your spouse, even during activities you might not naturally enjoy.
Subscribe now to join more thought-provoking conversations about relationships, personal growth, and navigating life's challenges with humor and wisdom.
Well, welcome to the iron table. If you look by our shocked faces, it's because there was no music playing at the beginning. Did anyone hear any music? I didn't hear is Brian, and I'm brought to the table by Keith Penny and Steve. We're going to talk to y'all, bring a little bit of accountability, a lot of humor, and we're going to see where this goes. So, before we get into today's top five, I already sent it to them. Top five. I already sent it to them, so I'm hoping that at least one person in this square has a top five. But before we get into that, just doing a little nitpick, check, fellas, how you doing. How was your month? We actually took off the entire month of May and there's a reason why we'll let the fellas get in and just talk about how their month was, if they can sum it up, fellas.
Speaker 2:Busy month. Busy month for me. We're currently out in Utah. In the last week I traveled about 5,500 miles. I had some unplanned layovers, celebrated the birthday, celebrated my daughter's graduation. It's been a busy month.
Speaker 1:Okay, are you passing out tracks in Utah?
Speaker 2:No, no, no, Not passing out tracks. Tracks in Utah no, not past, no tracks, but definitely out here enjoying the dry heat as opposed to that humidity that we're normally used to. I think everybody in this round table have birthdays. Either that just happened or that's about to happen. It's been a busy stretch.
Speaker 1:Okay, I've got to let people know Utah is a beautiful, beautiful state. I don't get enough credit for the scenic beauty that they have. All right, who's up next? Chilling Mother's Day was also in May, like I said birthdays, who's up next?
Speaker 3:Chilling Mother's Day was also in May. Like I said, birthdays, Mother's Day, just the busy season Graduations, proms, all that fun stuff. So everything going on, but we here.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 4:Definitely, Everything is yeah, definitely. I had a birthday in May as well. It's been very busy Apparently you know women do the thing of birthday month, not a day. So we've been doing something almost every day, every weekend or whatnot, but I'm definitely appreciative.
Speaker 1:So that's over. Now we in June, so that's over.
Speaker 4:I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, man, I don't hear some women talking about something like that. I got a birthday quarter where they just take the whole three months and just celebrate the Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, I'll say I too had a birthday. Surprisingly, steve and I shared the same day, which had to remind Steve that I was like dude, we have the same day. I was about to tell you you're going to have to move to another day Some of the he was telling me to ask for. It was definitely a busy month from just having to take a couple of days off to recover Not as young as I used to be so why am I trying to lift lawnmowers and furniture and move and just do all types of stuff? My new belt is a lifting belt that comes with those little elastic suspenders. Thankful, and I'm just here with the guys and I'm here with everyone here. My wife asked me, came downstairs, looked around and was like, are you going to buy any more speakers?
Speaker 1:And I said and I felt like she's asking me to buy speakers, or is she telling me or not? So I went up there with my head down and I just said, no, I'm not buying any more figures. The last I'm telling you, I didn't upgrade any more figures to furniture, no. So I got rid of all this furniture and I actually pulled in some new pieces today that I'll be assembling later, growing up sucks no more, is it?
Speaker 1:you know, getting that old Nintendo cartridge blowing your last breath into it. No more to stick. We get it to work, we old now so Cool. Well, I'm glad y'all are here, and you know, special shout out goes to Mr Jones, who's having a birthday in four more days. Four days, that's why we're here. We keep it up.
Speaker 3:Everybody else keeps up with it for me.
Speaker 1:We're going to celebrate for you. Celebrate for you.
Speaker 3:I'm going to be busy to celebrate today. Probably.
Speaker 1:Will you be accepting phone calls that day? I am, I am you might be busy. You might be down. Cellular package may not work where you're going.
Speaker 4:So you're seeing clients, is what you're saying.
Speaker 1:That's a business trick.
Speaker 4:He said he accepted phone calls, that means a business trip. Oh no, he said he accepted phone calls, so that means he accepted clients' calls too right.
Speaker 3:I accept phone calls.
Speaker 1:You see a forgetfulness.
Speaker 3:I tell you you can always call. I mean, I answer, I'm always accepting. You can always call Now. I'm always accepting. You can always call Now, if I'm free or not. But don't be discouraged, call anyway. You leave a voicemail, I'll call you back.
Speaker 1:All right, Little housekeeping stuff. Of course you can find us on our main page irontablebudsproutscom. You can find us on Google Podcasts I think there's still Google Podcasts, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music and YouTube. Of course you're looking at us on YouTube if you're watching this right now, but share it with your friends. And finally, we don't own the right to the music so much so that they took it from us. But if there is any music here, we just appreciate the talents and the crafts of those and we just want to use and honor their guests.
Speaker 1:Alright, so we're going to make this a little funny and easy. I'm envious of the tropical sounding background in Danny's player. We had some rough the last couple of days. I mean God, no, we had some rough the last couple of days, but all right, you know what is. What are the top five things men look for in marriage? Can you say our first marriage, our second marriage? Third, I mean, well, there have to be a core group. There's some brothers out there that they might just need to look at the pretty face and the slim waist, but we know that in time that that'll fade away or that'll expand. But what are those core things that, um, men, we need to look for those top five things that we need to look for um in marriage.
Speaker 1:I'll start off. One of the things that helped me was I did an internal look at what I was lacking and I said I need to be with someone who could help strengthen that area. Like one of the hardest things for me was telling people no, I'm like, well, if they ask, you know you might be entertaining angels or something like that, and so I would wear myself pretty thin Just help, help, help, help, help, help, you know, and not really expect much in return or anything in return. And so in my dark corners I'd probably be fuming like man. I'm so tired I keep asking. It's like their hands coming out looking like cups. I'm always in a receiving mode, but I was like I just need this. Maybe, if I can't do it because of how I was raised and my thought process, I need to be with someone who knows how to set boundaries, and so I was fortunate to find a woman that set boundaries and walls and all the other types of protective measures to help steer me. Wait, did you just say walls? Yeah, I did say walls.
Speaker 2:I said walls, break that down.
Speaker 1:I know about boundaries, but walls.
Speaker 1:like you know, we all driven on the road and I think Steve is on the road right now. He looks to his left or his right and he probably sees one of them little concrete barriers we used to call them the dirty walls and that's to keep us from going in the wrong direction, veering into the other side of the road. So those type of walls in order to steer us, to keep us going in the direction that we ultimately want to go in. Or, you know, if we're stubborn, we don't know we want to go in, but we need to go in that direction. Know, if we're stubborn, we don't know we want to go in, but we need to go in that direction.
Speaker 1:so for me barriers, boundaries yeah, I just called it a wall. Yeah, sometimes it's taller than others, just in case I want to get out of line and climb over it, all kind of tall. But yeah, for me it was one of those just being with aligning myself with someone who who could help me help strengthen that area, because I personally saw that I lacked the, the tools at the time in order to say no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm gonna come out the gate, and I don't think this is number one, but I do. Yeah, I'm going to come out the gate. Come out the gate. I don't think this is number one, but I do. It's got to be on the list. Sex it's got to be there.
Speaker 4:Thank you, I'm so glad y'all out pretty soon.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, no, no, yeah, let's just go ahead and keep it. 100. If I'm going to stop doing it everywhere else, exactly For sure, for sure. Best. If I'm going to stop doing it everywhere else, for sure for sure best to be getting it real good right here. And so if a man is going to say I will forsake all others, it's because he, how important, downplay the significance. But there's a lot of people who end up in sexless marriages and then when they make bad decisions because they're a starving man looking at that hamburger in the trash can, um, it's sometimes that's it.
Speaker 2:Just be like that, man, it's already been bitten it might happen, but you use hamburger but when you're starving? I don't know if you do it. We're used to first world problems In other countries. When you're starving, you'll. There's a lot of people who end up making poor decisions out of desperation, as if that's it and that's all I'm saying.
Speaker 4:Sex is one of the top five things, the work would get outsourced in a heartbeat.
Speaker 1:So we on this? So two things Is she allowed to say it is no and acceptable response Never. But no I mean is, how many times is no and acceptable times? Is no an acceptable response?
Speaker 2:So here's what I heard, and I actually enjoyed a woman's perspective on this. Actually, I heard it was a couple that was talking about it. They said that if a woman or a man tells their spouse no, this couple had a rule that that's the person the person who said no will be the one to initiate the soonest possible interaction to be able to come together, and so that might not work for some, but I thought that it was a very interesting perspective, because the reality is, life happens, and sometimes there's health issues, sometimes there's emotional issues, especially when you're dealing with.
Speaker 3:There's so many different things.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. What's an issue? That's not an issue.
Speaker 2:You can't use this as an excuse If they got a headache every other day we're going to see a doctor?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have a headache.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm not trying to do anything with your head.
Speaker 3:I'm sorry you breathing that mountain air, man you out there breathing that mountain air. Listen, sometimes it's just hold, still don't move. You ain't got to do nothing.
Speaker 4:You ain't got to do nothing. We know what time it is, ain't no secrets. Here we, husband and wife yeah, husband and wife. But here's the thing too, though. What happens is that some people will say no and get mad at their partner for taking care of themselves. You can't do that. You can't do that because now you're getting mad at them for not going out and outsourcing the work, and they're just handling the work themselves. What do you expect them to do? And now I got pent up frustration, which is to anger. Now I'm beating the dog or the kids, or you, or I'm outsourcing the work. So if you say no and the person wants to take care of themselves and they're fine with that, hey, by all means.
Speaker 1:Are you saying that they should just like suck it up and just do the do? I mean just have sex? Sometimes, no, there's a compromise.
Speaker 4:Yeah, sometimes, and there's also compromise too, you know.
Speaker 3:You need compromise. I was going to say there's compromise, Because sometimes most women don't know. We just need a little bit of pressure. We need you to release some of this pressure out this pipe. Listen.
Speaker 2:Listen, I'm fine.
Speaker 3:You're not in the mood, I get it, but I can't go to work tomorrow with all this pressure and all these distractions and these temptations. Listen, this is for us. I need you to do this for us. What?
Speaker 1:I know you don't want to do all of it.
Speaker 3:But listen, we got to do something because it's going to be hard out here tomorrow.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute. Did you just acknowledge that? You have to say that there are distractions Basically, just Sometimes.
Speaker 2:I think sometimes you just gotta keep it 100. You gotta keep it 100. I just need to be able to. I know some women. I've heard from women's perspective. She always makes sure her man leaves and he drains. She drained every ounce out of him before he gets. The clip is empty.
Speaker 2:That's a woman who values her marriage and understands the temptations that exist when she feels like it and when she doesn't. I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions. I'm just saying there needs to be an acknowledgement of the fact that we are visual beings, we are sexual beings, and if we don't get, we can't get it at any other store but yours and so if you close on Sunday like Chick-fil-A, and you close on Monday and on Tuesday and on Wednesday and on Thursday and on Friday and on Saturday.
Speaker 2:What you expect me to do, just not eat.
Speaker 4:And because we're creatures of habit like that, it's like if they really understood that if you take care of that one knee to the to the fullest of the extent, everything else kind of falls along, with us being more willing to compromise on other things. Because if you're taking care of that, you say like like, oh, you know, I don't know if I want to cook. Oh, don't worry about it, I eat some cereal. That part right there.
Speaker 4:You know, so it's that one thing. It's like, hey, if you're taking care of that, guess what? We will go above and beyond to be willing to compromise on so many other things too.
Speaker 1:Alright. So what does it mean when a man tells his wife that he doesn't want her sexually?
Speaker 2:they got other issues to me that they got other issues that they need to be a therapy for if a man does not want his wife sexually, if he doesn't have a physical condition or he's not in the middle of some type of like deep emotional grief, and yeah, they got. They got other issues to me that's, that's just me yeah, I'm sorry. No, I'm just saying I'll let the therapist speak, go ahead no man you got you.
Speaker 3:I was gonna say there's deeper issues on on both cylinders is with himself, possibly, and with the relationship. Um, so it's. It's definitely something that needs to be explored. But, um, some guys it can be, some guys are a little more superficial. Where I've seen, you know, after pregnancy wait, the wives didn't lose it right away and because he wasn't attracted to her more fluffy shape, you know, he said he couldn't be intimate with her things, things like that again still need to come sit down and have a conversation about it. I've learned there's more people out there like that than I thought.
Speaker 1:How do you have that conversation? In essence, aren't you telling her you don't like her If you're not sexually attracted? In essence, aren't you telling her you don't like her If you're not sexually?
Speaker 3:attracted or even want to engage. There are times where, okay, since we're here for this, let's just be honest. There are some times people get married and they get comfortable. That was the goal. I got a husband. Now I don't have to do anything else to maintain because he ain't going nowhere, because I think he's going to stay here forever.
Speaker 3:So there are people who got into marriages with the false mindset or false reality that they don't have to maintain it. So they let themselves go, and they admittedly said this. This isn't me putting my theory or my thought or my view on it. This is what I was told by these women. I let myself go like that, like things that I did not do to get him. I now do Like we all send a representative of sorts, but you know, there were some guys who oh, my girlfriend, she never has guests. Now he says all she does is light the house up, like hygiene declined. All the things that she, everything that he liked about her when he first met her, has stopped. So naturally, his desire has also diminished and decreased, and not what it was. But that's for a reason that didn't just happen overnight. There were things that took place after they got married that he was not expecting. He thought he was going to be married to the representative, like everybody.
Speaker 1:How do you have that conversation to make those changes? Or is it something that you lead by example? Does he start working out? Does he start getting ultra groomed?
Speaker 3:Well, see, this is what you asked the question originally what do you want or what are one of the things? And I'm going to jump around a little bit real quick.
Speaker 3:You said what are the things we look for, and I was going to say coachability, and you know I get this long story about how Phil Jackson preferred coaching Jordan over Kobe. For that reason, just coachability is big. So when you have that relationship and you have that rapport, you can go to your teammate and say, hey, what's up? You know, these are the things we agree to, these is how, this is what we typically, this is how we run this play over here. So if you deviate, then we gotta have a conversation. So saying that to say, if you find yourself, if you find yourself having to have these difficult conversations, if you are with a person who is coachable, a person who listens, a person who you can talk to, it's a lot easier Versus somebody who you can't, they're going to do what they're going to do and you're just going to have to deal with it. That don't work. They get cut, they get traded, they get benched.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that that definitely is on a list for for me, I know in this season of life, becoming single in in my 40s or late 30s, probably the single most important quality is whether or not they have a growth mindset. If they're open, if they're someone who is on a growth, personal development and growth journey themselves, because somebody like that, you're going to life, is going to life You're going to find people who have different attributes, but if you're constantly growing, if you actually want to get better, if when somebody tells you something you don't get attitude, you actually are open to receive and to change, that's better than gold, because things are going to change. The one thing constant in the world is change, and until we get to the point where we're open, proverbs puts it this way instruct the wise, do not rebuke a wicked man, or he will hate you. Instruct a wise man, and he will love you. He'll be wiser still. And so I need to be a person who is constantly open to receiving rebuke.
Speaker 2:Courageous conversation so that I can get better. Courageous conversations so that I can get better. And I want to be with someone who also has that capability, so that when we have to have those courageous conversations, because it's only a matter of time, whether it's weight, whether it's finances, whether it's like whatever it is that we're going to approach it from the standpoint of, of continuous growth and personal development, and not this is just the way that I am. You need to get over it.
Speaker 1:How much rebuke are you willing to take?
Speaker 2:Honestly, nobody likes rebuke, like I don't like it when people tell me about myself. But I know that it's necessary and so um, if yeah and so um. So because I know it's necessary, I do everything that I can to position myself to not only take it but then respond positively to it.
Speaker 1:So then, what's the fine line between rebuke and attack?
Speaker 2:Ooh, ooh, approach.
Speaker 3:Approach intention and timing Timing. Approach intention and timing Timing when you first walk in the door. Bad time, nah, bad time, and if your intention is to tear me down, it won't work. But if you're telling me these things to help build me. I got spinach in my teeth. Tell me, don't let me get up in front of America and present as president. I'm on screen with all this stuff. Pull my coat tail. Tell me you about to go up there and bash yourself. Let me get the spinach out your teeth.
Speaker 4:We do find that, though Some people a lot of couples, who don't understand that timing piece, and anytime they offer feedback it is to tear each other down and that's the only way that they know being able to understand that whole concept of being a uh, a teammate, you know, is very important, because you have a lot of couples out here that how can I say this jealous of of each other? Like, say, for instance, if one person makes more money than the other, it's like, why are you jealous of, like, if I win, you win? You know what I mean. So you have a lot of people that are just jealous and don't understand that concept of teamwork. If I make this money, we it's not me making this money, it's we are making this money.
Speaker 4:You know, um, and a lot of people just cannot understand that whole concept of of team. I've actually had a, a couple. The guy says, no, she's not my teammate, no, she's, she's under me, she's not my teammate. And it's like, wow, with that whole concept of how you view your, your sponsor, your mate, um, it's, this is never going to work ever, it's never going to work.
Speaker 4:So I think, being able to have that concept of that we are here to not only lift each other up but to help each other in this game called life, as well as being able to understand that if I lose, you lose, If I tear you down, I'm tearing us down, I'm tearing the marriage down. I can't do that. If I come to you and I do have an issue with you, I have to remember what my tone is and how my approach is, because that can be the difference between this being a disagreement to where we have a meeting of the minds and an understanding to you know it going full scale war after that to it going full-scale war after that.
Speaker 2:I was just going to say that Steve brought up a powerful point. The first thing on my mind wasn't sex, it was actually partnership I think men are looking for. If you're going to say, hey, I will marry you, I want you to be my one, you're not looking for somebody who's going to be adversarial. You're looking for somebody who's going to embrace partnership in all areas and aspects of life mind, body, spirit, resources and obviously your relationship. But partnership is very undervalued. A lot of people approach it from a standpoint of me myself and I, instead of we and ours, which is necessary for a healthy marriage, in my personal opinion.
Speaker 1:So what does we and ours look like? Because we, Because you know we, on the surface, you know we maybe she takes my last name we have a child. But what does we look like underneath that surface, In the home, where no one can see but the two of you?
Speaker 3:Because we live in a day where that concept it sounds nice and it's very idealistic, but I will be honest, there isn't a lot of we and a lot of couples. When it comes to a lot of things, Every couple is different. Everybody's different. Everybody handles money, time, but I feel like if we really truly understood this concept, I wouldn't have 90% of the couples that I have.
Speaker 2:I would say, in part it's roles, understanding roles. You know what?
Speaker 4:I was just going to say you, you know.
Speaker 4:I think that it also revolves around sometimes what you do when you guys aren't even around each other, like how does the, how does your spouse, affect you when you're not around them?
Speaker 4:You know because you know, going out into the world, I am a representation of us. What, what am I doing to represent us as a whole? Because if I go out here and show my behind, I am a representation of us and how we are as a couple as well as just, hey, you know the things that you're doing throughout life. You know what am I, you know I'll take even, you know, for instance, even for me being on my motorcycle. I got on my motorcycle yesterday for the first time for the season and my thought process a lot is like, hey, don't be a fool, but doing wheelies, doing 170 miles an hour down the, down the, uh, the freeway, not just because of my health and you know my safety, but because I have somebody else that I, that's my teammate that I do not want to disappoint. So this is no longer about me, it's about we and how I don't want to let my teammate down.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so if we're using a sports analogy, it's boxing out, you know, it's the things that don't get on the stat sheet, because that's going to help the team win, that's going to help us to be able to have better possession, that's going to help us to be able to better defend against the attack that is out there, because it's all out war. On marriage, we all need to. Really, if it's one thing that we know is is that marriage is is hard all by itself, and then you compound, once you mix in some of this selfish I, me myself, it just becomes increasingly less probable that a union of, uh, of of the two becoming one from lasting till death do us part.
Speaker 1:All right. So I got two questions. I'm going to try to, if we may not be able to answer them both. Um one, I was asked yesterday in church what does to become one really mean? And then, secondly, from the therapist in the group and you know, danny, you even counseled a lot of people Does the we to me turn after a certain stage in marriage?
Speaker 1:Because I think when you're young and you're like in your 18, 19, 20s and you're getting married, it's about preservation, pulling resources together, working together in order to live. It's almost like an enhanced roommate experience, but with more intimacy, more connection, more responsibility, accountability, et cetera. But once you get past the initial stages of I need you, I need your resources, I need, you know, your help to we get, you know, increase in our careers, making more money, you know we making friends outside of uh, you know, the ones that we had prior to marriage. Is that when it goes from me, me, is there like some warning signs? And I know this is we're getting off the five top fives, but so maybe I'll just think about it, come back, but I got to actually have a commercial break, all right.
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Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:Commercial break. Get back to my questions. Answer them Back to the top five. I think we got three. I've heard sex. I've heard partnership. I've heard willing to help fill in some of the gaps in behavior. What are some other ones?
Speaker 4:I think for me, being able to effectively problem solve, understanding that we're going to have disagreements and we might have arguments, how we disagree and how we argue, is extremely important. I didn't really understand that until getting into a good relationship, that you know arguments and disagreements aren't always bad, they can be very constructive. But you know, seeing how that is, it's like it's a game changer. To be able to disagree and maybe argue and walk away with solutions to move forward is extremely, extremely important, and that is the difference between a good relationship and a relationship that is not going to go anywhere. So I say one another one, just for me, it's being able to I'm not going to say fight fair, but just be able to problem solve, because there will be problems in any relationship.
Speaker 1:So what does that look like? I mean is that having rules of marriage, rules of engagement?
Speaker 4:look like. I mean, is that having rules of marriage, rules of engagement? Sometimes it's just about having a mutual respect, not only for the other person but for the process in and of itself, understanding that you can't scream, you can't curse out, you can't name call, you can't bring up stuff from the past, you can't do all these particular things. If you want a positive outcome, you gotta sometimes let your emotions take a, take a back seat for a second in sake of logic, and you know not really logic, but what reality is.
Speaker 4:You know what the facts are and you know a lot of couples cannot, cannot, do that because you know, not just women, a lot of men, we. We get in our feelings, behind how we felt, or you know what things happened, you know nine years ago or whatnot, and you know we're still stuck either in the past or in our emotions and that inability in being, in doing that, hinders us from moving forward in the presenting problem. You know so. You know sometimes it just it looks like being able to respect the process on your team. You're not going to disrespect them or put them down to the point to where they can't even play at all. You're not going to do that, but a lot of people don't realize that.
Speaker 1:So if a man is holding on to something for nine years, let's put it out there. We need resolution. It's a part of the language of respect and accountability is that there has to be some form of resolution, even if it's like yo, I'm just not going to rock with you like that. It has to be addressed. If it's not addressed and it goes that long, then I think it does turn from respect and accountability to emotional response, which is foreign to men.
Speaker 1:Think of every relationship that you've had with someone that has wronged you, that has been a male. It has been resolved. In what? Six months or less, Maybe even the next day, you know, especially if there's respect, or even if the person doesn't like you. Accountability and respect says I'm going to if I bring this up to you and say, man, you was wrong, my bad, it moves forward. You do the same thing over with that person? Probably not. You might not give them one more time, but because there was acknowledgement and there was some type of resolution in nine years. If a man is holding on to some nine years, he didn't get a chance to, to say his piece but you know what, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, we do, but it's, it's weird that way.
Speaker 4:Yeah, there's a, there's a fixation that a lot of I'll say, you know, not just women, but men have, where they are fixated on proving that you, you were wrong, proving that you know I was right, and they still again going back to the concept of a teammate. You're putting, you're tearing this person down who is on your team. Okay, she was wrong. Keep it moving. What are you trying? What are you trying to prove? But there's something about about us that we have to just continue to prove our point and prove our point, and it's not necessary at all. Not necessary at all.
Speaker 2:No, I just had the visual. I was giving a basketball analogy earlier. It's like boxing out your own teammate, uh-huh.
Speaker 1:Or berating him Like man don't shoot that Technical foul. Wait, he's on your man, don't shoot that, don't shoot that Technical foul?
Speaker 2:Wait, he's on your team. Punch him in the face anyway, nope.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1:I'm surprised I haven't heard and maybe it was in an umbrella as far as like finances and just how we approach spending and saving and you know discretionary monies versus you know what's for the house, or, or I haven't heard you know if they have kids before?
Speaker 3:No, I was going to say I would say, well, no, this is well, this is about all of that. But it's sort of my Well, no, this is about all of that, but sort of my broad umbrella that I point out to the couples that I'm working with in their premarital counseling Don't assume or don't go into marriage, because a lot of you kind of mentioned it before Sometimes we look at the person that we're interested in and say, oh, because they have these attributes, if I marry that, I will absorb or become those attributes. And so if you marry a man or a woman with money, it doesn't become. I will now learn, I will now also inherit or become rich. In many ways you won't have the habits. You may have access to resources, but you won't have the habits that help that person to become wealthy. So a lot of people and this is I'm using money, but this isn't just money, this is attitude as well I'm going to marry a person because, again, we do opposites do attract. A lot of times we go, we look for people who either don't have, who have opposite attributes, because while I hate to say I hate to say that, oh, she completes me or he completes me, but sometimes we do look for people who have attributes we don't have. But we should be wise enough going into this to not look for people to complete us. We need to be working on that assignment on our own. They're supposed to add to our lives or add to our happiness.
Speaker 3:When I said coachability, what that meant to me and what I had to explain to somebody, that means that if I'm coaching, I have to learn something to coach. I have to learn something to teach. So I can't teach if I'm not learning for myself. So I'm not looking. But at the same time, if I marry a woman who knows more about finances than I do and she's willing to teach me, I then have to become coachable and listen to what I may not know or may not have. So it goes both ways. But we don't automatically inherit the gifts of others. We like their attributes, we love what they do, but sometimes we as men got to shut up and let them all talk about us, and so when I say being coachable, it goes both ways. Sometimes we got to shut up and let them off the bus. When I say being coachable, it goes both ways. Sometimes we don't want to shut up, like you said, we want to get our point across and we want to beat that dead drum.
Speaker 2:It's almost the what 11 I got one more to throw in real fast. Brian, I know steve's got you around. I'm just gonna say affirmation, affirmation. Like men are going back to the whole teammate thing. This is like I. I know what I'm out here trying to do, but if I can find a cheerleader who can help, like affirmation over agitation, like if she's going to help build me up so that I'm increasingly becoming more and more like Superman and less like Clark Kent, like that's a keeper. Men stay. Men seek to to bag the woman who's going to help him accomplish the mission, and I just wanted to make sure that I pointed that out. Affirmation, critical aspect, especially for men Does she know how to build him up? Oh my man, oh my man Like Sinbad. That's one of those things that is invaluable because it helps you to accomplish the mission you're already on. Batman needs Robin.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you this With Affirmation is it more that you need to hear it, or is it better that she's promoting it or broadcasting it to her community within your earshot?
Speaker 3:It depends on the person. Everybody needs it differently. It's like how do you like your eggs? Eggs are eggs, but at the end of the day, omelets. Again, there are times that we do need it. It might just need to be private affirmation, I believe it. Go kill it. Sometimes it might be promoted, but most guys kill it. Sometimes it might be, but I think most guys need it privately. First they need to hear We've had this conversation. If you're only promoting it online, then who's it for? If you don't?
Speaker 3:come to me and say this to me and I've never heard it out your mouth that you believe in me. But if you'll say it to somebody else, who's that for? Even if it is for me, how could I? But you've never told me that Exactly your father's dying and they never hear. I got people coming to counseling for that. My father never told me. He was proud of me. He told other people but he never told me. So that's why it's important to hear from the horse's mouth. Sometimes, or most times, I believe it. You frustrate me. I didn't believe that first. I was saying well, you quit your job to do whatever it is you're about to do. I ain't see it at first, but you know I believe. And even when I didn't believe, I still hope. You know I still held you down. So you go.
Speaker 4:I can run through a wall. You know what I'm a testament just to that. You know, being able to have somebody that has your back and being able to do something different, like me doing my private practice. I'll be honest with you, if I wasn't with the woman I was with right now, I don't know how long I mean eventually I would have did it, but I don't know how much longer it would have took me to do it. Being able to have a teammate to say you know what, not only do I believe in you, but I'm encouraging you to do this, I have your back. And then having that reassurance when I did say hey, it was one day where I just said you know what, enough's enough. Hey, hey, babe, remember what we talked about before. I'm about to do it. You know you still good, you're like, hey, I'm all for it, go ahead, do it. Being able to have that type of reassurance that, hey, I got your back and I believe in you, that's that's, that's that's it, and a lot of times when people end up in affairs, it's because they're getting that somewhere
Speaker 4:else it's been outsourced.
Speaker 2:It's been outsourced it's not always about sex you're right you're right, it helps, though, yeah, my parting words and I'll just shut it up is on the heels of that. It's just like we we are all on a journey and if you can find somebody who can help build you up and strategically build you up more than they say things that would tear you down, because sometimes you need a courageous conversation, hey, I need you to level up, hey, I need you, but what's the math? The math ain't math and all they have is the critical voice and you're not uplifting them. There's no situation I've ever seen where somebody works well under a condemning tone as opposed to a commning tone, as opposed to a commending tone. It just helps both parties when you've got somebody who's building each other up. That's it for me.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to even talk about them building us up, because we touched on that. I think we as men struggle because we didn't get it and we don't normally explore that side of our brain. But we need to learn more of how to build up others around us, even in our own homes, because just like we expect her to build us up, we need to go to her too and speak words of affirmation, speak positive things, just hype her up, not just when it's a date and now you're going out and she's got a new outfit, but just around the house, when something I know it sounds so superficial, but it's a new plant in the house. Baby, you got a new plant.
Speaker 3:Sometimes she just tries something new, or something you've been asking her to do, or something she's been trying to do for her own self, for her own goals. Whatever it is, it doesn't even just have to be around the house.
Speaker 3:It could be with something she did with kids, but just learning to we all need to do a better job of activating that portion of our brain and learning to be more emotionally present emotionally present, myself included, but hyping them up and so, and that reciprocation, sometimes, like you said, dynamic duo out here. It's just, we can conquer the we out here conquering the world together.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you know I'm going to piggyback off of that, keith, because sometimes understanding what makes you a dynamic duo is understanding that sometimes you got to be, you got to do some things that you don't want to do. It may make you feel a little bit uncomfortable, like shopping with your woman, if that's what she'd like to do, go ahead and shop with her.
Speaker 4:Go ahead Because it's going to be times where you want to do what it is that you want to do. She may not want to be sitting at that basketball game or football game or whatever it may be, but she's doing it for you. That's what you like. So, therefore, you're going to have to go to Neiman Marcus some days and sit there.
Speaker 1:They got a chair for men.
Speaker 4:Just sit there and when she say, how does this make me? Look, I'm like, just do it, because she assures me for you. You got to do the same thing for her. That's what we about to do at the church. That's what I got to do because it's my teammates. She do it for me, so I got to do it for her, why not? I take my cell phone or my video game thing or a book Be in the moment. You ain't got to participate that much, just be present. That's all it takes, keith.
Speaker 2:He might need a session. Steve, he might need a session.
Speaker 3:I'm just saying I have all kind of PTSD. Sitting at the mall for four hours in this life Started with my mama. That's a long story. Just going to the mall I take them all, I'll go though I really want to go. Any day, any time, but not any day. I got to mentally prepare to walk from store to store.
Speaker 4:Oh yeah, you do, oh, you do. Look, that's what we're about to do right now. I brought my book. I brought my book. Don't be dumb, don't be dumb, don't drive yourself crazy. You just got to be present. You just got to be present.
Speaker 3:You just got to be present. You look at the first pair and it's like no, let's go. Look at the other stores, Only to come back, Get by the birds man.
Speaker 2:We saw that men of Target.
Speaker 1:There's a husband's wall in there where the husband's they have a special room for the husbands that have nostalgic video games, something just like Trying not to die.
Speaker 3:The old men just sitting in there?
Speaker 1:What year is?
Speaker 3:it.
Speaker 1:Our pre-school. We're in our stunt double out there at home just with the occupants on.
Speaker 2:It reminds me real fast. It just reminds me. I heard this one quote why do men typically die before their wives? Because they want to.
Speaker 4:Because we be on time. That's why they gonna be late today on the funeral. Go ahead, be on time.
Speaker 2:That's why they're going to be late today on funeral.
Speaker 3:I got it.
Speaker 1:I got it. I got it. Keith, did you give your partner an excuse?
Speaker 3:He did, he did.
Speaker 1:I went to the store. I don't have anything original, I'm just going to take. You're talking anything original, so I'm just going to take. We're talking about building up. I'm just going to take a couple of lyrics from Anthony Hamilton's song. It's Quit your Worrying Baby, quit your Worrying Girl, quit your Crying Lady. We Can Conquer the World. So you know, together. You know and most of the song was you know we ain't got to. You don't have to worry about no money for us to have a real good time.
Speaker 1:He was laying it down, just saying circumstances may happen, but if it's just us, we can conquer the world. And so we got to somehow peel back all the different layers, all the different circumstances. Nanny said life is going to happen and if we can see through that sometimes it might be blue lenses, sometimes it might be pink lenses, but in a perfect world it'll be purple lenses If we can just see through that In our relationships, in our marriages, we can conquer this world in efforts to try to make it to the life hereafter. Thank my brothers for taking some time. We started a little bit later than we normally do, but we had to get this out before the last birthday boy has his birthday coming up this week.
Speaker 1:We'll make sure that we will call, because he says he's accepting calls. He may not answer, but according to that face that's I'm not going to answer face At least he'll get a text message. Well, you better not answer that phone. Just leave your phone here. Take my phone that way. Well, you better not answer that phone. Can I answer? Just leave your phone here. Take my phone, that way you know you're not going to answer.
Speaker 3:I got too many kids not to answer.
Speaker 1:Just want to thank y'all again for your time and, you know, as always, peace.
Speaker 2:Peace Thank you.
