The Iron Table
The Iron Table
Marriage Readiness Checklist for Men: Are You Ready?
Ever found yourself wondering if you'd let Usher feed your partner cherries at a concert? Join us as we kick off 2025 with a laugh as we look at the topic of trust and temptation.
In this episode, we use our signature wit to discuss marriage readiness for men and explore celebrity encounters that test personal boundaries, keeping things light-hearted and thought-provoking.
Are you truly ready for marriage, or do you only find out by jumping in? We believe readiness is a journey, and each journey has a different map. You couldn't use a map of tourist attractions in DC while you were in Cali. Remember when you used to have a checklist for your trip? Why not the same to prepare you for marriage?
Through self-reflection and openness, we highlight how maintaining healthy-trustworthy connections outside of marriage can help sidestep the frustration of unmet expectations and foster healthier, more balanced relationships.
Money talks, but we’re here to ensure it doesn't overshadow love. Exploring financial dynamics, we discuss the value of unity regardless of income disparities and the pitfalls of viewing finances as separate. Through personal stories and pop culture, we stress the importance of redefining winning in relationships—not by competing but by creating meaningful connections. Whether it’s effective communication or overcoming personal blind spots, this episode reminds us that honest conversations and shared joy are the true victories.
Welcome to the iron table, where iron sharpens iron.
Speaker 2:So should men sharpen men. I'm your host, bryant, and I'm joined by my boys, keith, danny and Steve. We are bringing you truth with a side of humor loaded with accountability and thought. We now bring you to our program already in progress. Well, happy New Year. It's 2025.
Speaker 2:This is the first episode of the year and one of the things that I forgot last year and let's just go ahead and get this out the way Got to put this banner up there because we've been we've been canceled in some other states. But, of course, iron Table, we don't own anything. We like to recognize the talents of others and we try to highlight that any way we can. So, again, we don't own any of this, but we're happy to be able to find it and utilize it. Of course, our recordings can be found. Audio recordings can be found on our Buzzsprout site and then also on major podcasting places like Apple and I believe Google used to have one, but Spotify, you can find us. So it's 2025.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Iron Table, where iron sharpens iron. So this is men sharpen men. As always, if you've been with us since season one, I'm Bryant and I brought to the table these other three very strong, very passionate men ready to share the truth and accountability. So, before we get into today's just about three questions, I'd give the floor to the guys, give an opening word, or what's been going on. We'll just go from there on and we'll just go from there. Okay, no one wants to speak. All right, happy New Year. Glad we're in 2025. Interesting enough, this is what 25 years since I was a freshman in college, been around the sun a couple of times. So thankful to bring in this year and look forward to the challenges and the opportunities of growth.
Speaker 3:This is just our new year's message out.
Speaker 2:I mean you can say whatever you want, but I mean got the big W on your head.
Speaker 3:Yeah, man, I began the year telling people I've given up on football, and I really have. I don't really watch it, I don't. Somebody bought me a hat for Christmas. I said, why not put it on? It's easier than brushing my hair. And we're actually doing pretty decent when I say we, the team that I grew up idolizing, who changed their name washington redskins slash commanders. So, um, yeah, they're gonna play the cowboys today and um, I'm not gonna see any of it, but it's going to be great.
Speaker 4:Go team Good morning. Good morning, happy New Year. Glad to be here.
Speaker 1:Let's go. Good morning. Happy New Year as well to everybody. Everything's been going pretty decent Looking forward to this year, Cool Alright.
Speaker 2:So to kind of get us flexible and right mind, I want to ask this question, and I saw this online, so we all know that Usher has his concerts now where he's giving out cherries to women in the. I guess whoever he calls up, he's feeding them cherries. Would you let Usher feed your woman cherries in front of your family?
Speaker 1:You know what man?
Speaker 2:You are at the concert. Would you let Usher after he's rubbed it all on his body, you know?
Speaker 3:and then he prayed first, though he prayed before he started the concert, so I guess it's.
Speaker 1:I'm tired. See, that's that playing with God, you playing with God, we talked about that. So you're saying the answer is no, god You're playing with God.
Speaker 2:We talked about that. So you're saying the answer is no, you would not just sit there and just watch in the stands like I don't believe she's really doing this?
Speaker 1:Y'all becoming Sodom and Gomorrah Like why are we playing? Why are we playing?
Speaker 2:Now think about it. I mean, back in the day. Y'all see Teddy P pendergrass, a picture that I painted in the back. He used to have women only concerts just for this very reason, is you know, he was going to do some things, or women were going to do some things that he didn't agree with. But now did you? Could you in your right mind sit there and just be like, okay, enjoy yourself?
Speaker 1:you know what, bro? You get me, man. I'm on my way to church and you get me, man okay.
Speaker 2:Well then, let's flip it. Janet Jackson's velvet rope tour we've all seen it. That's on Tommy, up, upside down. Would you, would you allow yourself to be picked if janet looked in the audience was like, no, no, no, I wouldn't him. Would you go up on stage, get tied down? Now they had to use uh. For me, they will have to use what is it? Uh, handcuffs, handcuffs and some other type of restraint. Now, this is everyone. I'm happily married, but this was back in the 90s, so I wasn't, so I can say that, would you, would you think your girl would be OK with Janet Jackson doing the Velvet Road Tour?
Speaker 1:My spouse is there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and my spouse is there. Yeah, don't keep doing, danny.
Speaker 4:Jackson. I was saying tell the truth, b Tell the truth. You happily married, but she call you up on stage right now.
Speaker 2:She call me up on stage, you gone.
Speaker 4:Tell the truth. Tell the truth you gone, you gone, you gone.
Speaker 2:That's how the iron table is going to get promoted.
Speaker 1:You must, don't like peace, brother, you must don't like peace. But it's Janet. I don't care if it's Mary, mother of Magnet, I don't care if you play it or not, it's entertainment, it's an opportunity of a lifetime.
Speaker 4:This will never happen again.
Speaker 2:Janet won't look through and say hey, I want him.
Speaker 1:I know you playing. I know you playing Y'all don't value peace. Y'all don't value peace.
Speaker 2:Go ahead try, I'll even stay long-wise in business. Gentle journey, gentle journey.
Speaker 1:Imagine that ride home. Imagine that ride home, imagine it.
Speaker 4:I'll be transfigured at that point.
Speaker 2:I'll be the next person transfigured. Take me now, lord, take me now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's a hard pass for me.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 3:Janet.
Speaker 2:Jackson picks you and you're going to say no.
Speaker 3:It could be Janet, it could be Holly, it could be Holly it could be like you name it. Let's go down the list.
Speaker 2:There's no one that it would be a yes for no. You're trying to set me up, bro, I'm not trying to set you up, I'm just asking the question. I'm not, what if she said you're? Not strong you're insecure, I'm not, that's, that's I'm Well, she's not strong, you insecure.
Speaker 3:I'm saying peace and honestly, not even even above peace, like my own personal integrity is not going to allow me to like allow some. I'm just not. I'm not going to allow all the good I tried to do in my whole life to be thrown out the window for that one time, because you're going to hear about it for the next 75 years until one of you dies from it.
Speaker 4:No, you're going to be at the funeral Because it's going to be you that dies first. She's going to get up there and she's going to talk about it, or she's going to come to the Casper and whisper in your ear. I hope you're going to find Janet. She's going to bring it up.
Speaker 3:She's going to bring it up, she's going to bring it up, and is that really what you want, right?
Speaker 1:Or it'd be just my luck. I'd get up there with Janet and then Jesus decide he wants to come back and be like this is what you want to do, my son. This is what you choose to do. That's why I don't go to strip clubs, because it'd be just my luck.
Speaker 2:It'd be just my luck. I've never been to one, so I don't know what that is.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, I thought we was being real. I thought we was being real.
Speaker 2:No comment. I understand, I lived a sheltered life, so I was sheltered too.
Speaker 2:I think I was, but it's. There was a. Uh, I don't want to mention the school, but my high school years there was. We were in new orleans and I remember trying to find a what was that? A laundromat, because we was on tour. So back then you only had about four or five outfits, two pairs of jeans, maybe five shirts and stuff needed to be washed, and as I was walking the streets of New Orleans I was like trying to find it, it was like this should be 24 hour laundromats. It's a major city. I looked to my left and I was like I just keep walking. I looked to my left and I was like all right, just keep walking. I said, keep walking. I don't know why they had the front door open. You could see all the way to the back, so that's the closest and that was over 100 yards away.
Speaker 1:Keep no look, I can't shut my brain off. It's like I'm just overanalyzing everything. Why is the mirror so got all these fingerprints on it? You about to touch me after coming from the gym. I can't do it. I can't, it's too much. It's too much. I can't shut my brain off.
Speaker 4:I told you all the story how the lady said you don't come here often, do you? I'm like, no, I don't I. The story how the lady said you don't come here often do you, I'm like no, I don't, I don't, I really don't.
Speaker 1:It always ends up to be a therapy session.
Speaker 4:Yes, it is. I ask questions and they start answering them. They just keep talking. After I'm done with it, it turns into a therapy session. I realize they also are. I won't even say they're doing therapy, but I realize. But they also are. I won't even say they're doing therapy, but I realize. A lot of men go there and talk to them absolutely.
Speaker 3:That's why men go. They can go and they don't have to. They know that what they need, they're willing to pay for it.
Speaker 2:I can't cosign on this. They're willing to pay.
Speaker 3:I'm not saying.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying it's a good thing.
Speaker 3:All I'm saying is that I understand why that industry is going nowhere. Because a man can go. A man can go and get what he needs. Yes, there's a price and he's okay with that. He because he can get it. It's like it's a transaction.
Speaker 4:It is. One guy told me I understand I have to pay to play, so he's like and I don't mind, I don't mind. My problem is I'm paying too much because I go too often.
Speaker 3:But to an extent it is almost like therapy, I would say visual touch therapy for men. I don't know, I'm just visual touch therapy for men?
Speaker 4:I don't know, I'm just. I told you something. I gave her a I can say Can, what was it? Thank you, come to me. I called it Can Kinesthetic, yeah, something else It'll come to me, but but basically that's what it is. They have somebody who, visually and physically, you could just sit there and stare mindless.
Speaker 2:You don't even have to be staring at them. Or you about to say stare at the wall.
Speaker 3:Because some people I don't know what they're- staring at I don't know what they're staring at. In a type of way, I would say that it's a false form of ministry.
Speaker 2:Oh, how are you going?
Speaker 3:to use the word ministry. Well, I'm using that word.
Speaker 4:I'm only using that word. That's what it is.
Speaker 3:In the context of what God intended for a husband and his wife to experience. That's ministry. Like to me. The marriage bed is undefiled and so, like ministry looks like. Well, I'm not going to get graphic, but like that, what do you mean? Graphic?
Speaker 2:You ain't talking as bad as you were.
Speaker 3:Brian not said to me on the first day of 2025. If I think I got the button, you know what I'm talking about. Brian not censoring me on the first day of 2025.
Speaker 2:No, I'm not going to. If I think I got the button, my hand is See, I'm ready for you, just in case.
Speaker 3:Well, since you got the button, I'm there. No, no, no. I really honestly feel that what a husband and a wife exchange, that level of intimacy is a form of ministry. That's what I believe. And when men don't have that, where can they go? You're not going to get a real if your primary love language is physical touch and you're not presently married. Where are you going to go? How are you going to get that? Need Men are willing to pay Yo, how are you going to get that need Men?
Speaker 1:are willing to pay.
Speaker 3:It's a need. It's not like it's. I'm not saying it's right. What I am saying is that I understand. I understand why it happens. I understand why it's not going nowhere, and even back to your original question Multi-billion dollar industry. What, not more? It ain't going nowhere.
Speaker 2:So you said that marriage bid is not defiled. Okay, all right. What if she is okay with the continuance of going?
Speaker 3:Some people have it like that. I'm not saying that I agree with it, but the way marriage was intended. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife no S and the two will be one flesh, not three, not four, not five. One flesh, one flesh, not three, not four, not five One flesh, and so if she's okay with him going and fantasizing over this, there's some other issues there that I think I'm going to leave alone.
Speaker 2:No, this is a perfect segue. I think we're a little warmed up now. I'm definitely not as warm as Steve.
Speaker 1:Steve looks like he's ready to tackle single-digit weather. Okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, so this is. I've only got two more questions, and so this one is as men who have experienced marriage, what would you tell those considering marriage, or in the beginning years of marriage? And so I'll say the beginning years is, I will say, up to five, five to seven, you know years. That's the beginning years.
Speaker 3:Why was that the first word?
Speaker 2:Steve, just being Steve.
Speaker 4:Steve is being right now.
Speaker 3:I ain't gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, and say that word and it come up in my mind I'm not going to lie.
Speaker 4:If you are not ready run.
Speaker 3:Well, most men. Is it possible for you to be ready for marriage? I don't think so.
Speaker 4:You get ready in it. Yes, it's only possible.
Speaker 1:If you've already been married, that's the only scenario. If you've already been married, that's the only scenario.
Speaker 4:If you've only been married before.
Speaker 1:You kind of know the layout.
Speaker 3:Even then, though, steve, you married a completely different woman. It's like going to war in Vietnam versus going to war in the South Pacific. Vietnam is kind of the layout of the yes, it's completely different. So, yeah, people got guns. Yeah, they're trying to kill you.
Speaker 1:But now you know how long you're willing to be in the war. You know how long what you now are willing to put up with.
Speaker 2:Hopefully.
Speaker 4:You do. You have to, because some people come out and they still haven't figured out the recipe. Most people it's all the other person and I was saintly or I was the problem, but they don't really like, they don't really get a chance to really look at themselves until they get in that relationship and then it's like, oh, like, because I can say, oh god, I can say now I can see things that I know. Okay, if I'm still seeing this as me, this must be me but there has to be.
Speaker 1:We hear for these transparent like again, because I know I'm still singing, this is me, this must be me, but there has to be, at least you know because we hear.
Speaker 4:We hear for these transparent like again, because I know I'm not the only one. When we get frustrated, we a lot of times like to shut down. It just is, sometimes it's a natural default. I think well, I'll say of mine, where sometimes I have to shut down a process or to think, sometimes I'm not even mad. But I know sometimes as men, we do this with our communication and if I'm doing it, I put it this way If I did it before and I'm doing it again, then I got to look at me and all men don't do this, all men don't take the time to. Most men are not even in a relationship to begin with. They say, well, I'm done. So if you don't have these experiences to figure out what you're doing well and not doing well, it's going to be a journey you can't.
Speaker 4:And also yeah, that's what the date, but that's what the dating years are for. That's why I brought it up. Dating years are for yes.
Speaker 2:I understand that when you get married, that whatever was expected of you of dating increases exponentially. But what is the baseline things that you said that a man would need in order to be ready for marriage? And it's not. I mean it could be, you know, financial, mental or emotional. I understand. Emotional, I understand.
Speaker 1:He got to know his faults, he got to know himself and where he is not complete or whole. You know what I mean. Because, again, if you jump from one relationship to the next and you aren't doing what you're supposed to do, even just with yourself, it's going to fail. It's going to fail. So you know, even getting out of a relationship or out of a marriage, you know you can't sometimes always say, hey, what did they do wrong? Okay, you know what. I can't control them. What did I? What could I improve in my next relationship? What can I do? And that is for me. That's helped me out tremendously.
Speaker 2:So how do you get that information, though, do you like? I would assume that you don't ask the young lady as soon as it's over. You know, you may get some choice words, but you know what it comes with it.
Speaker 1:It comes with just kind of actually just sitting down and looking at just your behavior. Be honest with you. Yeah, being honest with yourself, I mean you know full transparency. You know, I would say 35 to 40% of the demise of my marriage was because of the over-involvement that I allowed my mother to have in my marriage, point blank. So guess what's going to not happen this next time. Go around, there we go.
Speaker 4:I'll also say if you have honest friends and family, if you have that type of rapport with your friends and family, some people probably waiting to tell you. I've seen people fumble, oh man, fumble, like Do you think I dropped the ball? On this one and I was like well, since you brought it up, let me talk to you. And then I was able to express, you know, what they were asking, and I might step on a little bit of toes, but that's all right, that's what they said. They wanted to know, and again.
Speaker 4:I'm trying to help you as you go forward, because you're going to do it again. You're going to say it again, you're going to act like that again. So, if you really want to know, I'm going to tell you. And so, having people around you and I mean and I feel I had the same I got people who would tell me yeah, you had a booger in your nose, you did.
Speaker 3:I say reflection and collaboration. Community Like you cannot. I do not believe that it is a recipe for success to isolate yourself with that one person. Need to have other connections with other people who can look at your blind spots and tell you, give you perspective that you can't see the back of your head and you're the only person who can't see the back of your head. Everybody else can see the back of your head but you, and so you've got to be able to have those kinds of people, and so that you're not needy in the sense that you're, you're looking for this one person to meet all of your needs, because that is a recipe for disaster, and the last thing I would say is this unmet expectation is the mother of all frustration, and so you've got to have a realistic set of expectations when you're walking into marriage.
Speaker 3:A lot of females believe in this, happily ever after. But men also have their false ideas and their false beliefs that she always going to be ready, she always going to be like you. If you have unrealistic expectations, it's going to set you up for those unmet, unnecessary frustrations, and then you're in the midst of trying to figure out how to begin here. You used to make me happy. Now I feel like I don't know if I can do this All right.
Speaker 2:So if there was a marriage readiness checklist for men, what are the top five things that they need to have in order for you to say okay? While it may not be easy, having these five things will at least make it okay. You know, you'll have better days than worse days if you have at least these five things before going into marriage.
Speaker 1:I think one of them would be a sense of teamwork, like a partnership, like you have to have that concept of this is my teammate, this is my partner. We are not individuals to ourselves on this team, if that makes any sense. There's so many couples going around saying to the I'm literally saying you know, that's not my partner, that's not, they're not equal and whatnot. I do this, I do that. There's no sense of partnership in this game called life, a game called marriage, you know. So, just developing a sense of, hey, you know what, that's my partner, that's, that's my teammate, that's my road dog, that's you know, that, that's, that's my spouse, that's my counterpart. You know, really, having a good sense of that um can go a long way.
Speaker 3:You know that's that's one for me okay I'll jump in and say I don't have all five. You put us on the spot. I said first of all therapists, because if you haven't healed from past pain, you're going to mess up your future peace how do you know you're not healed from it?
Speaker 4:I mean, it's past pain everybody's on a journey of healing go ahead key no, I was no, I was just agreeing with you. I was gonna say if you have that person, you go and talk to uh on a regular basis, you'll find out, you'll find out everybody got baggage somebody got a baggage, claim I ain't trying to say no name, but everybody in a thing called baggage
Speaker 2:claim, I ain't trying to say no name but everybody and they, mama got baggage.
Speaker 3:I don't care who you are.
Speaker 2:Everybody. It's in baggage, but is it baggage that would negatively affect or prevent you?
Speaker 4:from If you're not addressing it, If it's in there and you not. Again, if I put an old tuna-free sandwich in your bag and you carry that for 25 years, what's next Next time you smell tuna? Again if I put an old tuna-free sandwich in your bag and you carry that for 25 years. You stink.
Speaker 1:Next time you smell tuna, you're going to be having some flashbacks.
Speaker 4:Right, you walk around with it and you mad that everybody mad, because everybody telling you you stink, but you don't address it, you just keep walking around with it. So again, or you just don't know, because that's why we got all this trauma, that that's, that's unpacked and we just walk around reacting and acting just so used to the smell.
Speaker 1:You don't smell it.
Speaker 4:You should smell, so no you. We have to get to a point where we are addressing baggage, but you don't know it's baggage until someone tells you. Exactly that's my point.
Speaker 2:So go go see somebody will you trust the people that tell you no?
Speaker 4:sometimes you won't, but will you, I ask? This question at least once a week because of that, because a lot of people rookies in therapy and and it's the first time and I say would you rather talk to me or would you rather stay in the position you're in or the state that you're in?
Speaker 4:If you can live in that discomfort and that dysfunction and you're good. Go, Go in peace. But if you really want to change something, come talk to me because I'm here. And even if we don't find the cure I say this phrase a lot. We don't find the cure to cancer today We'll at least know what it is and what we need to do to help you manage and get through and find a treatment plan for how to deal with it and hopefully, with God's grace, we're going to get through this. But the reality is, if you're walking around with this pain that you cannot let go, trust me, it's going to bleed into your relationship, it's going to so her teamwork, mindset therapy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'll also put. I think there's a different modality Therapy and I would say a marriage coach I think is helpful. Therapy is usually dealing with your past pain is helpful. Therapy is usually dealing with your past pain. A coach is kind of readying you for the game. That's it. Sometimes you can find a good blend of the two. What did you say?
Speaker 2:I said, coaches get fired though.
Speaker 3:They absolutely get fired. They're supposed to get fired. Not all coaches are good, not all therapists are good, so I'll preface that I'll say a good therapist and a good marriage coach.
Speaker 3:And sometimes a marriage coach is just an older couple who've been there, known that, done that, who can sit down with both of your behinds and tell you you tripping. You need no Like having. That is the reason. Not having that is the reason why I believe many of the marriages now are failing, because people are in isolation posting their matching pajama pictures and they're miserable. They celebrate 20 years of marriage. But like they can't stand each other, they're sleeping in different rooms and it's like why I'm just saying we talk to me.
Speaker 4:No, I love that We've talked about this. I love the idea of marriage coaches because it's almost like peer support specialists. Steve and I we work substance abuse. They have the peer support specialists because they've been there, they've been on, so they know certain things. So, with these coaches, I just had a guy I'm laughing because I talked to a guy who recently had to show up and drag a guy out the bar, like he and the younger couple had a fight. So the husband goes to the bar and it's funny, the older guy goes to the bar, goes there to talk to him, drags him home, but he's like no, you're not. No, you're going to get back in there Again. Nothing's no major issues, it's just the regular mundane.
Speaker 4:Because again, that regular stuff is what drives you crazy, because it's just there and it's frustrating when because everybody thinks marriages end just like off the infidelity or the bad choices with money and and it's other things that just sometimes eat away at couples before it even gets there, where they're just annoyed and again don't want to talk.
Speaker 2:So I'm surprised I'm not hearing money.
Speaker 3:Now I was going to say it's on my list, but it's not just money, it's your purpose. You're working on purpose in purpose, you have something outside of her and you're able to provide. Because if a man can't provide for his own home, usually that doesn't go a good place. He's got to be able to feel like a man. And I'm saying that that can look different for different people, because I see people who have relationships where the man makes less but he still has to be able to know that he's contributing to the needs. If a man does not feel needed, then he doesn't feel like a man. And a man who doesn't feel like a man is usually going to be dysfunctional in a relationship. And I would dare say it lends opportunity for the woman to be dysfunctional in a marriage where there is, like Steve was saying this competition, this is my money. You don't mind me saying whoa, whoa, huh, what?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I believe. Once you get married it goes to our, our, our, our.
Speaker 3:It's funny that you would say that, but a lot of men who I know have wives who out-earned them. They hear a different story. I don't know. I'll let Keith and Steve jump in for that it's amazing how they feel a certain way about it too.
Speaker 1:It goes back to that first concept I told you guys about. As far as we're partners, it's not just your money, it's not just my money, it's our money. We're contributing to the household. Why do we think that? Because somebody, whoever it is, earns more than you, that that's not us. If I win, you win. If you win, I win.
Speaker 4:That's how it's supposed to be, steve. But then you do have some people Because, again, I agree, I agree, if we're on the same team, then this is a win for both of us. I recall saying, okay, god, I'm not even mad, she makes more. I just want to know when is my time, when is my window going to open. But in the meantime I'm going to cheer her on. So my thing is, most men can't handle that for a lot of reasons. But then let's be honest, some men are with some people who remind them.
Speaker 3:That's the point, right there.
Speaker 4:Every chance, every chance they get, you don't make no money.
Speaker 2:You don't make no money.
Speaker 4:I make no money. Shut up, shut up. You ain't where's where's the, where's the censorship? You ain't right.
Speaker 3:Get the butt ready, brian, because I'm coming in hot, so listen when you hear I gotta be the one to you so it creates a level of.
Speaker 4:it creates the. That's where a lot of the division is created and it's like oh okay, so this is what we do it. So i'm'm going to go out here, I'm going to hustle, I'm going to grind and I'm going to come home and I'm going to be a bigger tyrant than you. I'm going to tell you this is my money and I can spend it, and then the whole ministry of marriage is ruined.
Speaker 3:And to be clear. I'm saying that for both sides. So when men do it, it's wrong.
Speaker 4:When women do it.
Speaker 3:It's wrong. This reason a man will leave his father and mother be united to his wife. The two are one flesh. You have one. Everything, Everything is one now.
Speaker 1:And that's why having that emotional clarity about that, because I'm of the sense of, if I ever hear that we're done, that's it, because now I know that we are no longer partners and you're not my wife if you utter that out your mouth, oh yeah, that's, we're not a union anymore. Because if you think that much outside of us like that and to say something like that, oh no, this ain't gonna work because I'm not gonna be ever out of anger if she says it out of anger.
Speaker 2:if she says it out of anger, do you wink at it and just like all right, I know you mad, that's hard.
Speaker 1:You telling me, your wife telling you you ain't shitting. No, no, no, that ain't hard.
Speaker 3:No no no, that's not hard. I thought you were talking about saying something along the lines of she's mad. She were talking about saying something along the lines of like she's mad, she's talking about my, my, this, my that okay, no, no, I'm talking about what?
Speaker 1:you said you ain't because you don't make this. I'm done. I'm done. I see your mindset now.
Speaker 2:I see your mindset and this is just you know. I gotta ask this Then should a, if a man feels that way, or if there is that type of financial disconnect or disparity, does he then say no, I'm not going to be with you. I'm going to be with someone who I definitely know that I make more than and earn than, and then, in order to at least have the scales tipped in my favor, this is why Passport Bros exist. Wait a minute, but you're saying Passport Bros. Passport Bros? I don't know that.
Speaker 2:Yeah you need to add one to the body, because you know what we're talking about. You almost got close to some of those.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so essentially Passport Bros is men in Western society, leaving to go to an impoverished third world country to just grab somebody who would appreciate indoor plumbing.
Speaker 3:Indoor plumbing so that they can come over here, make some food, pop out a few babies, take care of the needs in the bedroom and not complain, because in their culture that's fine, that's the role of a woman. And so men are leaving what we know to be civilization to go to the jungle and find women like these. Because the women who, the perception is that the women who are here have been ruined. The women that are here aren't feminine women anymore. They're. They're taking on more, increasingly more masculine traits and then coming to talk about my money, my this, my that. So men are abandoning um the home team yeah.
Speaker 3:To go to Colombia, to go to the Philippines, to go to these other countries and find someone who they believe to be a suitable feminine non-combative. I use that word, like you know, white yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Passport Bros. That's a whole other podcast. That's a whole other.
Speaker 1:Is that only us? Is that only us as a race?
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, absolutely not no.
Speaker 4:That's everybody.
Speaker 3:That's everybody.
Speaker 2:Black, white. I mean they're open to doing the thing right.
Speaker 3:I'll say I've never seen a Hispanic man do it, but I think that's a whole nother.
Speaker 2:I want to say collective culture. You know togetherness, they embody togetherness. From my lens, I will not go any further they do.
Speaker 4:You don't see many divorces. Y'all going to make this work.
Speaker 3:I was going to say that. The other thing that, going back to your original question, I think definitely a man having work, myles Monroe talks about how God before man had his wife.
Speaker 1:He had his work, he had a purpose.
Speaker 3:He had his mission, he had his assignment, and so a man has to. In order to operate as a man the way God intended, he has to be operating in purpose, on his unique assignment, whatever that is. But I would also add to that some form of recreation, I'll say, outside of her, not that she can't join in, but you got to be able to go and have an enjoyable experience doing things that you like outside of her to me, in order to prepare yourself.
Speaker 2:She also has to have some stuff too, because if you're doing stuff outside of her and she doesn't have anything else to do, then you're abandoning it will create resentment and she will see it.
Speaker 4:I call it as the mistress.
Speaker 3:It will Absolutely. I agree with all of that. I just think that it benefits a marriage when there's a healthy balance there it is, that's true, that's true.
Speaker 4:Now, we didn't say equality.
Speaker 2:We said balance. Balance is always fluid and moving I.
Speaker 4:I personally believe that we have too much access to each other now, and every form of fashion, like absence, used to make the heart grow, like there's a time you go to work all day and you don't see your wife or talk to her all day. So when you came home, yeah, you know if you you look forward to seeing your wife. Now I know some guys who, like dude, she texts me every three minutes like what you're doing? I sent you a video. Did you watch it?
Speaker 1:that's why you never work in the same place as you were. What did you say, Steve? That's why you never work in the same place as you were.
Speaker 4:Don't learn that the hard way. How am I working? Well, unless you work on a different department or different floor. But yes, riding in. We've been down to one car I think most of us have been down to one car before where you got to ride in together, work together, then ride home together.
Speaker 1:Nope, you can't work in the same organization.
Speaker 2:I did date someone at my job and it was like that was the worst mistake, Because when it ended you still had to see that person.
Speaker 1:Look, I'm going to spill the beans, I don't care. Look, the one person I used to work with wanted me to hold hands at the job down the hallway. Didn't you work with state? You know how many arguments I got in, because I'm trying to explain. This is not appropriate, but she wanted to show everybody hey, we're together. First and foremost. We ain't really supposed to be doing this, let alone you want to hold hands down the hallway. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Speaker 4:That's funny. Oh, yes, don't, don't do it. No, it's not good for everybody. Some people is not good, it's just, it just doesn't work. But going back to your question, I believe number one is first I mean we kind of touched on self-reflection before you get in and even get into a relationship Number one is who did God call me to be and what does he want me to do, kind of what Danny kind of touched on. That's number one, because you will find women who conflict with that. God has called me to do this or go in this direction, or this is what my passion is, go in this direction, or this is what my passion is. It's nothing more frustrating than being in a relationship where you feel you can't do what you're supposed to be doing, especially when you feel like this isn't just me wanting to. If you feel like you were called to go to school or minister or I don't know what it is, but you're with somebody who's saying you can't do that, you're stupid, why would you waste your money?
Speaker 2:on that. I want to build a business. No, I needed to hear hear that part, cause I'm like what, if like, is it more that you created an environment Like you created a home where there's a certain level that of, like, finances or comfort that needs to happen. And then you say, well, I'm going to leave my $200,000 job to then become a. My passion was always to do puppetry. I'm going to leave my well-paid job to then go do puppetry and not for Sesame Street, I'm talking about you going?
Speaker 4:local church groups. You're getting salad and spaghetti Spaghetti and salad and that's your payment. And sprinkled with garlic. Super, super sweet juice you give up?
Speaker 2:You're basically giving or or what is it Destroying? Not destroying, but making things challenging at home for a dream or a passion, but you're saying, no, it was more of you, it's not going to take away from the family, it's going to increase. But the family, it's going to increase, but the person doesn't share in your dream and they're supposed to be your number one supporter because sometimes a lot of people look at that as you know oh, you're doing this, you're elevating yourself, you'll now be above me.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean? And it's again that goes back to the first thing I said You're not a partner in this, we're not teammates, because if I win, you win, if you win, I win. And a lot of people don't look at it like that at all.
Speaker 2:What if it's really silly, I'm giving up my job to become a mime.
Speaker 4:Like I said, that's why you look for a good spouse. You look for a good spouse, you look for a good wife who's going to tell you Sometimes when they I won't say shoot down, because it's all about how it's said sometimes, Sometimes when they have honest, our wives have honest conversations with us. It's not to hurt us. It may deflate that ego a little bit. It may stain, because I'm a good mind and you're going to see I'm going to show you he's talking first.
Speaker 4:But no, Sometimes, no, we need that reality, we need that. You know what? Don't do that Sometimes, but, like you said, sometimes it is a good idea, but their fear of discomfort and the unknown will cause us to not move on. What? And I said not necessarily a mom, because, yes, I wouldn't recommend that either. But you know, my wife came home and said I want to be a mom, I'm like for who.
Speaker 1:You know what? I asked my girl one time and I was really serious about it. I said you know, I've been really thinking about either going back into the military or joining the Detroit Police Department. And she stopped for a second. She just looked at me. She said and it was hurtful At the time, it was hurtful as hell. But she said what are you searching for, like? What are you really trying to do? What is you searching for, man? That's the question. But again, at first I'm like man, what the heck? But then you know, after a while you know, you get out your feelings and think about it, it's like okay, you know what. I need that type of checks and balances before I do something at this age in my life. That would be kind of foolish you know?
Speaker 2:how do you know that it's a check and balance and not a dig at your now?
Speaker 1:so. So it's that comes with again one getting out of your, getting out your feelings. You know I go to those pillars that I always talk about. You know that last pillar is having to understand that this person loves me, this person would not do anything to harm me or do anything malicious to me. So at this point, what this person is saying to me, I need to get out of my feelings and listen to them. So that's the. That's the first part of uh of getting to that point, as well as the second part is understanding really who this person really is. Is this person a type of person that would, you know, beat me down and shoot me down if not? Guess what? You know, this person has my best interest at heart. So I got to get out of my feelings and listen to what they say, because God could probably be talking to them to say hey, man, sit down, what's wrong with you? I got other plans for you.
Speaker 4:What if? Because I see I mean what if? They don't have the gift of gab, in a sense that their delivery sucks. And they mean the they have the best intentions, because what I have learned from these sessions and just from talking to certain young, certain women we grew up thinking that all women were soft and flowery and maybe once upon a time more women were like that. But more women have become more corporate. I'll put it that way they become more corporate where they're straight to the point and they're going to tell you how they feel in a way that it's supposed to be with your best interest but it's going to burn like hell.
Speaker 3:And we don't like that because we're not used to it. Let's be, honest.
Speaker 1:At all. She said that to me it hurt. I'm like hold on. Who are?
Speaker 2:you talking to you always say it's not what you say, it's how you say it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't know. I don't know where you're going with that, keith keep. But I'll definitely say that, um, the the delivery does matter. It does. And I'll say this everybody has something to learn in this area. Everybody has some growing that we can do, because communication requires sender and receiver, like that's just the basic building blocks of communication. And so when you're sending a message but it's got all this noise, it's got this tone, it's got this agitation, it's got these digs, it's got these, then it's not going to be received in a favorable way. It'll be received but it'll be distorted. And so I would argue that we all have some growing to do in that area. Somebody just walks in the door. That's the worst time for you to come and bring up some. They didn't take the trash out, like they've been gone all day.
Speaker 4:All of our lives and yours, literally at war with the world and walking the house.
Speaker 3:First thing, I you couldn't take the trash out. When you did it, it's like really.
Speaker 1:That's why you see a lot of men. If you look at any suburban area, you know during like maybe five, you know like six o'clock and whatnot go to any suburban area. You'll see a lot of men just sitting in the driveway in their car, just sitting in the job or at the bar or strip club working late at buffalo wild way at Buffalo Wildway watching the game.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I did have a second question that tied into this, but we don't have the time for that, so I'll just do something very simple. Does winning still matter as you get older in arguments, or?
Speaker 3:what? What do you mean by that? I mean just winning period as you get older. Does winning still matter as you get older in arguments, or what? What do you mean by that?
Speaker 2:I mean just winning period, as you get older, does winning still matter, like I'll take, for example. You know, some of us are on a team and we have yet to win a game. Um, at this age, does winning I mean you can say winning in in your winning an argument, winning in a game winning, you know what have you Like? We're now bringing up like board games with Deuce, and we were playing this one game, beat the parents. And like one of the, and the game is you make a wager, the child makes a wager, the child makes a wager, something they'll do, something you'll do, and whoever wins, they have to do it. So for this one, this round between me and deuce, it was he would do um the dishes for a week and I was like okay and if you win, I'll take you to this, uh, indoor trampoline park, you know, off of my.
Speaker 2:So we're playing the game and the game is there's trivia and then there's also physical challenges. So think of it like double dare, but without the slime and stuff like that, and obstacle course. So I mean, he's he's pretty good with trivia, he watches a lot of trivia, and so they have questions geared to parents, questions geared to kids. Now, one of the challenges was that you had to put your arms within your shirt and you had to sit down on the ground and you had to get up without any assistance. And so, as we're getting ready to do that, he's laughing. He's like I can beat you at this because you had hip surgery, you know. And trying to do it, he, he pops up. I'm like I'm not even ready yet, I'm still on my way down, and he's on his way up.
Speaker 2:And so, you know, I told my wife I was like he's not going to beat me. You know this game and I wound up winning the game. You know, I'm going to tell you I was not trying to. I could, but I wanted. I wanted them dishes washed, you know, for I could, but I wanted them. Dishes washed for seven weeks. But at this age and stage in our lives, is winning just as important as it was when we were in our teens and early 20s.
Speaker 3:I'm going to jump in and say this Winning looks different. I don't remember which one of y'all was it. It was Keith, or was it Bryant? We were talking to Uncle Charles about the fact that we were playing the game. Oh yeah, Was that you Keith? Yeah, it was me.
Speaker 4:He can come coaches, he can come out of retirement, but go ahead.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, no, no. What did he say about winning?
Speaker 4:Oh, he said, winning looks different Winning. Basically. I'm paraphrasing.
Speaker 3:Oh, he said, winning looks different.
Speaker 4:Winning basically I'm paraphrasing, but winning is going to work on Monday, winning is coming home in one piece.
Speaker 3:That's basically what he said. At this age and stage, winning is being able to walk when the game is over, on your own, without assistance, even in the context of the illustration you just gave. You're playing games with your son and his mother. Dude, you already won. Everybody in that situation won. They're winning because here you are in the nuclear home of your child and y'all are playing games and he's having fun, y'all are smiling, y'all are laughing. It looks different. So going back to man them dishes got washed. Come on, even going back to when, the first time my son beat me in basketball, I was determined for him not to beat me. But the fact that he won, I won. Where'd he learn that? Where'd he get that jump shot from? Who taught him how to like? Winning looks different as you get older and I think that when you learn how to put a different picture frame around that same moment, that it can be something you celebrate instead of something that you feel defeated by.
Speaker 1:So would you feel different if your? Son could never beat you in basketball At a certain point in time. Years go by, he still can't beat you. Would you feel different? Like man? Where can he be? What's going on?
Speaker 3:Would you feel different? Honestly, there's a part of a man that is just like yeah, I'm the king of this domain. Like I'm, this is but there comes a time when you pass the torch.
Speaker 3:That doesn't mean that every kid is gifted in the same way. Maybe he's not athletic, maybe he's not interested in athletics. Does that mean that you didn't win? I think that winning is about perspective. Now, I'm not suggesting that everybody gets a trophy, because I saw another meme earlier in the day. I'm from the era when, in order to get a trophy, you actually had to win.
Speaker 4:Had to win.
Speaker 3:Yeah, now everybody's getting a certificate award, like Sinbad was talking about the Try Hard Award, johnny tries hard, he tries really hard. Here's Johnny's try hard award. I'm not suggesting that we go there, but I would say to answer you, steve, that no matter what the situation is, winning looks different. It can look different, it can still be a win. Stephen Covey he has this book, seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and in this book, at the core he talks about creating win-win scenarios, and we have the power to create those. It doesn't have to be win-lose.
Speaker 3:There's a friend of mine who's an entrepreneur. He used to be a professional poker player and the reason he got out of it was because, biblically speaking, it was messing with him because it went against kingdom principles. In order for him to win, somebody else had to lose, and lose big. He's like I couldn't do it any longer. Winning looks different when you're a man of purpose. To me, as you get older, you're not looking for the same types of things. For, for instance, even with your girl, it might have been a day and an age where you wanted the hourglass, you wanted that, and charm is deceptive. At this age, beauty is sweet. Everything that used to be perky has been to be sagging and dragging, and so winning looks different.
Speaker 2:Okay, so now I'm glad we were saying different. Then why in marriage are people trying to win?
Speaker 1:They don't have the concept of being on the same team.
Speaker 2:They don't understand that they are the same.
Speaker 1:You come together to form one. You guys are the same essentially, yeah, so people lose that concept of like you are me and I am you. Even though we're individual, God joins us together to form one.
Speaker 4:Listen, I win, you win, you win, I win, it does. I'll put it this way because we all understand sports and how it works. It doesn't matter if you get MVP for the league, if we don't win the championship, if our goal is to win the championship together as a team, but you win league MVP, you're the best in the league, you're doing everything right, great, but we still lost and we at home watching everybody else play and we sitting on the couch watching it don't matter. So that teamwork is important, that getting on the same page is important. That part is hard, that part that does sometimes require a coach or a third party or somebody that says okay, what's broken, what do we need to look at? Let's pop this hood and analyze what's going on under here to get us on the same page. Because, like you said, it could be. Because, like you said, it could be communication, it could be finances, it could be something simple like just spending time together or just hearing each other.
Speaker 4:So a lot of couples start off with really simple issues that snowball and turn into an avalanche, become major abuse, like I said, infidelity, just all kinds of craziness that it doesn't have to become. But you didn't check it at the door, because for me I see a lack. Like you said, when one person feels they're doing everything, it becomes that humility diminishes or it may never have been there, because for some people that was never there to begin with. But that's a whole nother podcast. But if you cannot humble yourself, get on the same page, get on the same team and work together, you're going to run into these issues. It's a matter of when.
Speaker 2:Looking at the background, Steve's background is slowing up.
Speaker 1:We're just going to end here Any parting words. You know what I would say from what we're talking about. I would, I would say, when we're from what we're talking about, I would challenge um anybody who feels like they make more than their significant other, spouse or whatever. Show them what you make and say look at what we make, look what we make, look what we bring it, look what we bring it into the house some people can't.
Speaker 4:That's a. Some people are not going to do that though.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, but again, humble yourself to be able to put yourself in a position to let your partner be a team. We making this, we make this, we make this happen, you know.
Speaker 3:I'll say if you can't do that, get you a good marriage coach, because you should be able to work together, even if one of you is better. Going back to the sports analogy, the offensive lineman is going to be built different than the quarterback, who's unnecessary.
Speaker 4:You need both. You need both. I was going to say you can't cut, you need both. You'll see 99. You can remove that offensive line 99% of the time we're going to get set.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm, and so I think that's the way God intended it. And so I think that's the way God intended it. And when we, the closer we get to that ideal, that idea, the happier marriages will become my thoughts.
Speaker 2:Okay, jones, you got something. Oh yeah, you look like you about to join squid game. I keep saying you look like you going for that money.
Speaker 4:I need, yes, people in this house. I always need that money. They eating what they eating. If it's a snow day tomorrow, they home, they gonna kill it all. But in any case, I digress, let me jump in here and say're going to kill it all.
Speaker 4:But in any case, I digress. Let me jump in here and say, going back to teamwork is so important and again, it's different for every people we start off on. Most of us will start off on the same team. The natural progression of relationships is to have some type of conflict or adverse situations that we have to work through. And, going back to the baggage, because of the baggage we may not know how to work through it. And so, first and foremost, like I always say, self-reflection Go, sit down and talk to somebody. You might find out that you watched your mom and dad fight over money.
Speaker 2:So what you did?
Speaker 4:is decide. I'm never fighting over money, so I'm not even going to talk about it, and and so you think you're doing something different. But what you're doing is just as harmful as what your parents did, because they at least argued about it, whereas you won't even talk about it. So, learning how to sit down and analyze yourself and why you function the way you function, because then you can go back to your teammate and say hey, when I drive to my left, I drive strong, but when I try to dribble to my left, when I drive to my right, it's strong, but when I dribble to my left, I got a weakness, I got a blind spot. I need you to help me with that. So if I shut down and I'm not talking, even if it's through text on the cheek, babe, you're not talking to me Do something to help me realize when I shut down. Help me see it. So sometimes we need to do those things to get beyond, like you said, get beyond those bad habits we have.
Speaker 2:And I'll just say again just have some friends, friends that are strong enough to stop you from living your life as a mind.
Speaker 4:No, of course, as always, you don't go to the strip club.
Speaker 2:I don't know why we shouldn't have had to say that Just don't go. Just you know, play that. Tina Turner. Private dancer, private dancer yeah as always, it has been a pleasure, it has been a joy and we look forward to coming to the table in a couple of weeks. Peace, in a couple of weeks Peace.
