The Iron Table
The Iron Table
Return to Sender: Even Free Things Have a Cost
What if marriage came with its own safety net, much like your car or home? Join Bryant, Keith, Danny, and Steve at the Iron Table as we explore the groundbreaking concept of marriage insurance—a potential lifeline for couples navigating the tumultuous waters of modern relationships. As we unravel the layers of this intriguing idea, we ponder whether such a framework could offer couples stability and protection, just as roadside assistance does for drivers. With personal reflections and shared experiences of divorce, we dive into how marriage insurance could reshape the landscape of marital commitments and support.
Our conversation doesn't shy away from the challenges Black men face in today's political climate and how these societal perceptions impact relationships. We humorously tackle the sensitive subject of what women might find unacceptable for their partners to receive from others, like a homemade meal, highlighting the parallels to acts of intimacy. As relationships continue to evolve, we emphasize the importance of setting rules and boundaries, exploring how past traumas and modern distractions like social media and technology can influence relationships' dynamics. Whether it's knowing when to reevaluate contentious partnerships or understanding the critical role of communication, we offer insights that aim to strengthen the bonds between partners.
In a world where societal pressures push people toward quick marital decisions, we stress the importance of understanding your partner truly before making lifelong commitments. From establishing guidelines for phone and social media usage to navigating financial independence, we delve into the norms that couples today must negotiate. With a focus on marrying for the right reasons and not just to satisfy age-related or societal expectations, we encourage couples to embrace continuous growth and learning. Tune in for a candid, humorous, and insightful discussion that promises to leave you with a fresh perspective on relationships and the innovative idea of marriage insurance.
Welcome to the iron table, where iron sharpens iron. So should men sharpen men. I am your host, bryant Goddine, and I'm joined by my brothers, keith Danny and Steve, your waiters, serving you accountability and truth. We now bring you to our program already in progress. All right, welcome to the Iron Table, where iron sharpens iron. So should men sharpen men. As you heard in the intro, we've got our brothers, keith Danny and Steve, and we're going to bring you a little bit of truth, a little bit of humor, but always accountability.
Speaker 1:Before we really get into today's episode, I just want to go around the circle, check in with these guys. We haven't seen each other in. About what is it like two weeks? A lot could have changed. Some people could be married, some people could be divorced, some people could have done something very interesting during that time period. So I'll let each of them, whichever order they want to go, just chime in and say what's going on. Yeah, I know, for me last time we were on I didn't realize it, but I was sick and I'm still trying to get better, so you'll hear my voice may sound a little different, but I'm glad to be here and not be in the hospital or dead. That's always good when you don't wake up dead. Man just living. I'm living, catching up to life, cool beans Same here. Nothing's really changed that much, not just maintaining. At this point I'm not going to be short, because it was a lot that happened yesterday Iron Table sponsors, a church league basketball team. We were out there. It was a hell, but we there's opportunities to grow, opportunities to grow. We were a couple of men short but ultimately we had a good time and I took my morning meds so that I could walk down the steps and I tried to do 25 squats but since I only went halfway down, I guess that's 13, no 12 and a half. I know my math Interesting time.
Speaker 1:I'll say that I saw a couple of videos where black men were being bashed because of the results of the election. There was a lot. I would say America had an opportunity to show that black women, of color mixed race women, had extreme value. Of color Mixed race women had extreme value. But America did not make that decision and there was a lot of fallout and particularly us brothers did get. There was a couple of videos that I came across that was shared with me where I think one lady said if we get. You know, police now can shoot us. You know, right on the street, um, you know, basically murder us and if we die, you know there's going to be no crime. Um, there's going to be no gun GoFundMe pages, um, that we, if we don't have insurance, we should just dig a hole in the back and just get buried there. And you know, I understand they were frustrated, they were angry, they were upset, but at the data, it showed that 80 percent black men did vote for VP Harris and I know this isn't a political show, this is more about brothers giving their account, but I had to at least make mention of that, that it was definitely a tough week to be a Black man. You know, outside of those who love me in this house and those that know me, I wonder if people looked at me, if they were trying to figure out who I voted for.
Speaker 1:And you know, we politics is definitely one of those very politics and religion is one of those very sticky subjects, and so hopefully, as a country, we can move forward. We focus on local level stuff where people actually impact what we do on a day to day, and just understand we, we've been through this. We've probably been through worse. It feels really, really bad, but we, we can move forward. So just want to throw that out. There is again, brothers was being attacked on the street. Is again, brothers was being attacked on the street.
Speaker 1:Um, before I hit record, we were talking about, um, kind of a light question. You know what is one thing that a woman will not accept? Um, a man received from another woman and there was a couple of, uh, a couple of ideas thrown out, so kind of like oh, we know sex is one, but I mean there's got to be, isn't there something, almost a couple of ideas thrown out? Sex, we know sex is one. Isn't there something almost worse than that? I said food, food, I said food. Nobody told me that I felt deceived. Nobody told me either.
Speaker 1:You had to walk me through. You had to walk me through. You had to walk me through that experience. I didn't know I was bringing home for my wife to taste yeah, it's like sweetheart, taste this salmon. You know, man, man.
Speaker 1:So there's certain levels. You know so and so, man, that's she, she, oh, man, jesus. So there's certain levels of food. Like can I get some chips and dip or no, a grilled cheese sandwich? Nothing, not a grain of rice. Even taking a woman out to eat is equivalent to buying her jewelry. You may as well just buy it at a nice restaurant, have you? Or, like you said, that part where again the woman cooks. She says oh, I cook too much, I just brought it to share with everybody. I'm just part of everybody. I'm like, oh, this is good. What if you get a list? What if you get a list of everyone's name? Have them sign it like it's a Go ahead, find out. Eating I ain't that hungry. Eating another woman's food is the equivalent of buying her flowers.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you didn't do anything Exactly, but eat. But it's like you did something. You did something. You did, you know like, do you know the hell I caught for eating a peanut butter sandwich, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, not even one that was homemade, it was. It wasn't even homemade, it was a crustable, the ones that are in the freezer, if you just grab out the freezer and they're a crustable. This woman got you a crustable, so she spent money on you. It was her. I think she had a kid. She said oh, I heard you like people in the deli town. Here you go. I caught trauma.
Speaker 1:So this is where you need a friend to come in out of nowhere, just slap it out your hand on a friend, the Just like. Just like I did, like you don't, don't like that, it's, it's a. When you don't know it's a. Did you get an explanation, though? Like what does she, how does she feel, or what was her thought process? Crazy, doesn't have an explanation, it just is. It's like a force of nature, it just is. You don't ask. So then what's the reverse? Why do you feel like that? Do you want another argument? These are man rules 101.
Speaker 1:If we can't receive food from a woman, what is it that for us men? We're like nah, you can't get that from him. That's good. I would say go ahead. I would say Go ahead, keith. I know when it's a guy that always shows them what to fix stuff Like tires or Yep, there you go, car stuff, car stuff or that in the workplace. I'll get that for you, I'll do that for you. That's called the work. Those are the guys you keep hearing. I've been trying to you. That's called the work. Yeah, you know, those are the guys you keep hearing. Ooh, I'm trying to work. Like, yeah, like. Because again, the inverse of that is yeah, I, I had some extra salmon, so I took the work and gave it to Larry. And it's like you didn't you see Larry yesterday? Like Larry, sure, larry's hungry.
Speaker 1:Like I said, for us it takes a little longer because we don't really, we don't even think that way in most cases where their antenna is going up right away. But I mean, okay, so let's use the car analogy. If this guy is fixing or reducing the cost of the labor for a car, her car, I mean, isn't that a bonus for us? Like, I don't be like, yeah, it all depends, bro, because it leads to something else. Is he a mechanic that would ask his that's what he does, I'm soliciting, I'm involved in the process of him or is he a dude that's trying to rescue the damsel in distress?
Speaker 1:Oh, I got it, I'll change that tire. I'll. Uh, let me just check your oil, okay. Well, let me you know if it's, if it's just like too much he's trying to help her with like stuff. That's my job. No, that's not. You already know that this stuff needs to be done.
Speaker 1:Or what happens, like if, if you're not around in the car and she does need her tire changed, you're like okay, food helped out, man, thanks, that's a good solid for sure. But what if you don't know? I mean, is it our job to know? No, we, we we can have. I believe it's. It's good for us to recognize where we have conscious incompetence. So I know that I'm not good at that, that I need help with this over here. I should get the base as a man. You should know how to check, though. You should know if the car is grinding when you push the brakes like that. That's bad. You should know that the car is drifting or if it's vibrating.
Speaker 1:There's certain things that are just basic common sense, right, but understanding's like yeah, nah, it's not to really come through me, because most women don't know about cars. They're going to get jacked and or they're being. Come on, help me out, fellas. Either manipulate it or Now, if we go back to the food thing, are we supposed to go through our wives before accepting food from someone else? Our significant others? Yes To me, yes, what if they're not around? And you are, if you want peace, if you're not around, then I wouldn't eat it. I would take it home. You better make a phone call or text message or something, unless you choosing violence, unless you want to choose violence, go ahead and eat some food and taking it home.
Speaker 1:I'm sharing this with you to make you forget that. This it is right, yeah, okay. Well, to make you forget that. This, you know it is right, yeah, okay. Well, that kind of sets us into. You know, last week, or last two weeks ago, we were on a roll and I said we got to talk about this.
Speaker 1:Um, you know what are the rules in relationships? You know, let's we got to because, for men, what are the rules in relationships? You know, let's we got to because, for men, I know that we operate in accountability and accountability has rules, it has boundaries, it has, you know, if this, then that. But in relationships we're bringing in a second person and we all acknowledge that. You know there's two sides of a whole. There's the accountability side and then there's the feeling side, and sometimes feelings does not, you know, operate in in a controlled environment. It's supposed to breathe, permeate, fills in some cracks. It's a wonderfully frustrating thing, but when you're establishing a relationship, what are the core rules of a relationship and how do you set them? Yeah, for me I think that they're always individual, like different people, people, different strokes, different folks and so for some people they are able to communicate effectively with an elevated tone and there's no.
Speaker 1:From the research that I've done and been exposed to Dr John Gottman, who is probably the foremost relationship expert I would argue in the world, he found that there's no correlation between people using an elevated tone, yelling, screaming and breaking up divorce, screaming and breaking up divorce. But some people, based on their experience, their life experiences, like an elevated tone is a trigger, it activates the trauma that they experienced and there's big T and little t trauma. I recently learned. I know Keith and Steve could speak to that a little bit more, but if the, the person I'm in a relationship with, was traumatized in a relationship where somebody was pairing up an elevated tone with other destructive behaviors, it's probably going to be very adversely, adversely, create an adverse response in a relationship. I think it's unique. Some people they're good.
Speaker 1:I know many women who throw hands. I've seen people who, yeah, it's like I'm not saying that that's healthy, but for them it was like, yeah, you recover from it. I'm not saying that that's healthy, but for them it was like, yeah, you, you know, was it? No, no, hitting in the face, you know, that's the off limits part yeah, it's, it's definitely. I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole but like if if there's a tussle it's Tussle, like if if there's a tussle it's yeah, it's, it's understood that this is what we do. I'm saying that it's right. I'm saying for some people they, they understand, they have an understanding that hey, if you put your and your kids see that, then they start practicing that and then they like it. It elevates a sense of normalcy for them. Like, hey, this is just how you solve your problems, this is how you communicate. But that's deviant for our society. And now you're going, the kid is set up for failure to go to jail to get his behind beat up. What it's, it's, it's yeah. At a certain point it's like, hey, what we really doing, you know. But yeah, that's interesting.
Speaker 1:But I do agree with you that it is subjective to the particular couple, different strokes, like you said, for different folks. You know there's some. Some of the rules may include it being hey, you know, we have an open relationship. You know some people that work, some people that does not, you know. So it definitely will depend.
Speaker 1:But I, you know, there are some core things, such as being able to communicate with your partner about your feelings, whether you, you know good feelings or bad feelings, but being able to just speak to your partner about your feelings whether you, you know good feelings or bad feelings, but being able to just speak to your partner about what's going on or how you're feeling, I think is is is very, very key. You know just that communication part you gotta, you gotta talk to the person, whether you hate them or you love them, you know what I mean. So that way we know if we stand together or if we, if we leave, just being able to communicate to your people, because you'd be surprised how many people, especially in our society. Man, we're so into these screens that we forget to talk to the other person everywhere we go. Even if we're in a restaurant, we're in our screens but we're not talking to the person. Or if we're eating a meal, we're in our screens, we're not talking to the other person. So I'm a strong component in talking to your spouse.
Speaker 1:What happens when you reach that place where most relationships get to? It seems like everything is an argument. You say hi, it's a fight. You say good morning, it's an argument. That means it's time to go. Look, we waste our time at this point, because at this point I hate the way you breathe, I hate the way you sneeze. Probably you know it's.
Speaker 1:It's like, hey, do we still love each other? Do I still like you? Do you still like me? It's okay to not say, to say, hey, you know what, we've run our course. Are we frozen for everything? Or or time to go get help?
Speaker 1:Some people still got gas in the tank. They're tangled. That's what I call it. They're tangled, they're in a knot and that knot keeps leading back to the knot. So every time they try to get out on their own, it leads right back to the knot. You said something there Get out on their own, yeah, they can't get out on their own. Said something there get out on their own, yeah, they can't get out. It can't get out when there's two people. You got someone else on the other side also.
Speaker 1:You know weaving in a different way, but I hear that you got to talk. But when do you? When is a good time to talk about relationship rules? Is it in the beginning? Is it definitely not near the end? But how do you move that in All three? It's in the beginning, it's during the relationship and, yes, for some people it's even at the end. Some people actually get it right as they're ending it Because, man, if we had done this before we probably wouldn't need to get divorced. But now that I've choked you, beat you, slapped you, kicked you down the steps, I don't think you want to still be with me. So it's real tough. But so, no, you're constantly changing and updating relationship goals and rules and regulations.
Speaker 1:Because, again, who knew coming in? We all said, who knew that food was a trigger for women? Nobody told us that. Like, whether you're eating alone or eating with somebody, sometimes it didn't even involve another woman. Like you said, steve, you could just be eating a pizza by yourself and she'd come home that I bought with my money in my house. Did you at least do half and half? No Slices and sticks. I'm in like here, I know you like, I know not to, I know not to come home without going to the store. Man, this is now.
Speaker 1:I tried not to size it, but it was good Like, what are you supposed to do? Like now. And let me ask y'all this Like, if it came from sister so-and-so, who's like twice my age? Like and and like, is that enough? Or does it have to be sent from sister so-and-so to your wife, so you know what benefit from it too? You bring up a good point, because there is those who are a threat or perceived threat. Then that's when it's a problem. But if it is from sister so-and-so, you know that's, you know maybe twice your age, and it is no threat. Oh, it's okay, it's cute. But yeah, you, you're right about that. Then, yeah, you're right, those perceived threats, those are women are the gatekeepers. Let's just say that Our women are the gatekeepers.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, if you want peace, if you want peace, unless you want to choose violence, I mean, go ahead. Is it a piece or a slice? You get sliced up or you get peace. There's a lot of professions I know like pastors a lot of times. People like to, they like to cook for the pastor and they say it's for the pastor, his wife, but they only bring it to the pastor Because they know not to go to the wife first. That thing is going to. What is it? They say file J13. What is that? The trash can? No, it's. That's bad. Unfortunately, I work from home, so ain't nobody bringing me any food here I don't subscribe to. Was it door dash, uber eats none of that. You know it's like if I can't find it in my house I drive and go by myself to get it. So I'm glad y'all brought cause I did not know and of course I wouldn't yeah, I wouldn't enter into that.
Speaker 1:So so again we're saying that you start rules in the beginning, that as you're going along, that as things change and you evolve, you add in rules. But what happens when this happens? What do you do when the rules are broken? You got to establish some rules to engagement. So again, even going back further to the question that you did ask about, what is it that you established? Kind of you got to talk about what do we do when we argue, have a disagreement. You got to talk about what do we do when we argue, have a disagreement, or you know, and God forbid, fight. What are, what are our rules? What do we do? How do we argue? How do we we have a disagreement? When do we know when to say enough is enough?
Speaker 1:We've got to revisit this because it's getting too heated. We got to know hey, if I, as a man, leave the conversation because it's getting heated, you got to know that I'm not leaving you, period, I'm just coming, I'll come back, but that has to be established. You got you can't just do it. You got to just say hey, honey, I'm not, this is how I operate. I'm leaving. You know, if I find that it's too, it's getting too heated, I'm gonna let you know. Hey, we need to stop. You have a hard stop. I'll come back to the conversation, but I don't want this to go any further. Let's, let's cool off. X, y, z. I am coming back, I am not abandoning you, I'm not leaving you, I love you. Let's, let's, let's resolve this at a later time. You've got to communicate that, because if you just off, rip, do, then people are going to think, hey, guess what? They're leaving me, they're abandoning me. X, y and Z.
Speaker 1:So again, establishing these rules about how we even engage in our disagreements is key. It's definitely key. What happens now? No, you're talking to me right now. You're not going nowhere until we resolve this. You have you, you have broken our rule of engagement and now everything that happens moving forward is your fault, because you've broken the rules. You've broken the rule. It's like, just like when you break the rules of society and you go to jail. Guess what? No, all your rights, some of your rights, not all your rights, but some of your rights are done. You lose your freedom, you lose your right to do this, you lose your right to do that. So guess what Now? There's consequences when we go against the rules of our relationship. So there has to be rules and you know, I have couples write out one of our 10 commandments of our relationship, our do's and don'ts.
Speaker 1:What are we going to? You know, what are we going to do? Aren't they doing that when everything is cool, everything is calm, like, what is like? Is it better to write the rules when you are angry and upset, so you know how you feel, how, or is it? It's a living document. You know what I mean because, again, yes, we do react in our, our emotions, and that's sometimes not a good thing. But again, we, we have to also be kind of away with ourselves, where we kind of understand and know what it is that we don't and don't want.
Speaker 1:So, again, a part of being able to be in a relationship is also kind of getting to know yourself better too as well. You've got to know what you're willing to deal with and what you're willing to not put up with too as well. Now you should know that before getting married, right, what happens if you don't? You should have an idea of what you want and you can talk about what you want. And that's why you go to a professional or people who have just been through this walk, because we know We've carved out our own paths to a professional or some people or people who've just been through this walk because they, because we know we've carved out our own paths, so we, we already know you don't know everything coming in the door. That's why we have issues, because we run into things we've never seen. So no, no one's going to come into marriage already expecting to know what all the rules are.
Speaker 1:We have so many challenges that are different, like social media, mainly social media, and all these other technological advances that we've made that have built us up but also crippled us. As couples. You have to make rules now about being on the phone. How much time do we spend on the phone? What's allowed to be posted, what's not? Can I like pictures? Do I even post you? Do I post you? Do I even post you? Do I have to get it approved before I post it? Hey, baby, I want to share this picture of us on the beach. Okay, thanks. Or if you don't, why you not sharing no pictures of me? See, this is why I don't. Why are you not sharing no pictures of me? That's why, see, this is why I don't have sex. This is exactly why I'm not coming to fall into that trap.
Speaker 1:So, yes, there has to be rules, and we deal with rules that our fathers and great-grandfathers didn't have to deal with. Like, again, we have women who are working class now and many of them generate a nice income, and now we got to make rules for that. I know you make your own money and and I make my own, but we still got, I mean, the bills. I mean we still gotta take care of each other. Like we can't just, like, you know, I know some men who say you know, I can't, you make more than me, it can't just all be on me and you just go out and do whatever you want. Like, again, we're establishing rules that we haven't had to establish in the past. So, no, it's forever changing, but you have to have some coming in. And it's the foundations respect, trust, love, commitment, cooperation, rules that govern all of that kind of wonderfulness.
Speaker 1:There there is a universal rule, though that I think that I haven't seen it break yet. I think we've spoke about this. I think there's a universal rule about you know, I definitely wouldn't recommend anybody getting married to somebody that you've known less than two years, because I think around year two you start to really get to understand and know that person. You know what I mean Because you know the first. I want to say the first six months to a year. We're a false representation of that to that other person and they are to us. But it's around that two year mark where we get really comfortable, we really start to show who it is, that we really are, our habits, our quirks, all those particular things. And sometimes, if you live with somebody, you get to see certain things that are just not, that are questionable, and you have to ask yourself, hey, can I live with this for the rest of my life? Because once you go ahead and jump into that, I do, being able to then say I don't. It's a whole different ballgame. I try to. I try to get people to understand.
Speaker 1:You cannot just jump into a marriage and then, year one and a half, two years, it's like, oh, I didn't know all this. Well, yeah, I told you to wait, but now you're getting that. So, you know, um, that kind of that rubric and it's, it's a little bit it's with the wrong with that. It it's, it's never proven me wrong. Uh, so far, you know, it's always been kind of like hey, around that one a year and a half to two year mark. You, you know, you're, you're, you're really struggling with this concept of can I stay with this person, can I deal with these things? But sometimes it's too late. You aren't already got married? What you mean, you have to deal with this now, unless you are not, unless you, you don't think really highly of your vows because, said for better or for worse, you got to stay in this now this part. So what do we say to those people that did not follow that two-year unspoken rule? And you got a person say I'm 46. The world can Google me and find all this stuff. Okay, I'm 46. I'm not married. And I find someone who also has never been married and we ain't getting any younger, as the song says, we might as well do it. What do you counsel those individuals? That's the dumbest reason in the world to get married. I just wanted to say that 'm so you know what I mean. Why don't you just come right in, you know? I mean I didn't even finish my statement. I'm like, what do you do? I was thinking it, but no, he just, yeah, he, he hit the nail on the head. But I mean people there are. There are people out there who have been told you get married in this age bracket, was it like in your 20s? You know you have kids, so by the time you hit 40s, 50s, that your kids are grown, out the house and you get to enjoy life at your highest earning potential. Life at your highest earning potential. But now you've got people that are. That's the reason why you should be more cautious. Because you're at an older age, you get into a wrong situation. It's going to put you in a grave because of stress. You got time to waste. But what about those people that want to know what marriage is like? And they're just like you know, or you don't enjoy it. You don't know what divorce is like. Yeah, I was going to say you're going to be divorced and you're going to be paying child support and alimony, so you don't end up enjoying your later years because you're broke. Yep, yep, to be clear, y'all are not against marriage. It's a process or dead. No, marriage is not. I believe People get married for the wrong reasons. That's my own thing. Half of the women that I know just want to get married. They don't actually. They just want a wedding and they want to feel yes, they want to dress up like a princess and have everybody come. I'm telling you, it's real. I have. Look, I'm not trying to put nobody's business out in the street, but I have a friend who there was a woman that he was dating and she all of a sudden just started putting out wedding invitations. He didn't know anything about them getting married or anything like that. He confronted her. I heard the conversation. He said well, we're not getting married. She says you're going to marry me, we're going to have this wedding, you can divorce me later. I said oh, this is yes, yes. I said, oh, I get it now. They just want the wedding. What are you looking at? They just want the wedding. What are you looking at, keith? They just want the wedding. She said you can marry me, you're going to marry me, we're going to get there, we're going to have this wedding. You can divorce me later. Mindset was just I just want the wedding, I just want the wedding, I just want the experience of being married, have this wedding and that, that's it. And that's not everybody. But there there's a lot of people that think just like that, yeah, yeah, well, I mean, you see it in hollywood, you know where, where they it's like why would you get married again? Somebody was like j-lo got more rings than lebron, like I'm just like, I'm not trying, trying to why. Why would you get married Again, knowing that they just divorced? That's what a boyfriend is for. Why get married if you know that it's going to be something that you eventually just what? If it's morality and they're like I don't want to engage in fornication or premarital sex, if that's the case, you're not supposed to get divorced, then either we're picking and choosing what it is that we want to do. People don't take marriage seriously. This is going to sound really horrible, but I think that if you get married and you end up getting a divorce, I think that they should take a finger or a toe. They should take a finger or a toe because, before you get married, I guarantee you're going to think twice. Do I really want to do this? Because I'm going to. You only got about 10 to 20 times to get you know, like, which finger, which toe do you want to lose? Because at a certain point there's no seriousness in marriage because I feel like I can just get married, I can just get divorced, I can just get it done. There's no seriousness in marriage because I feel like I can just get married, I can just get divorced, I can just get it or not. There's no seriousness. There's no penalty. There's no penalty of getting a divorce off rip if that makes any sense. There's penalties if you have kids and alimony, all that stuff, but you're not really thinking about that. There needs to be an immediate consequence or there needs to be a license, a true license to get we have a license to have a gun, to drive, to do we go to school, for all these degrees. You need a license to fish. You can't just listen to me. You cannot just go to any pond or any lake and establish that this is what I'm doing. You need a. You need permission from somebody that says you have, you are authorized to be here. We wouldn't have most of these problems. Come in and do stupid stuff. This feels very personal, did you. But you could. But you could just be. But you could just go down and sign some papers and be somebody's husband or what. I was married, nah. But I mean, okay, let's bring it up. A license Even if a license is a point in time type thing it says at the time that I took whatever test, that I was competent enough. It doesn't say that if I, you know that I'm confident enough. It doesn't say that if I, you know that I'm good, it just says for that moment, at that point in time, that I was good enough to pass. No, let's address that, because I'm a big believer in it. I joke about that because on the day that I did my test, I'm 10-2. I know everything that I'm supposed to do. Ask me how I drive now? No, don't, because you should have to re-up it. You should have to re-up it when I get pulled over. I know I'm wrong because I know what I was supposed to be doing, because I took the class, I had the lessons, I had to wait a year with my permit. I didn't just jump into my license, I had a whole permit for X amount of time. So when I got pulled over for doing whatever I was doing. That's my fault. So we don't have any of that for marriage. It's just jumping For marriage or children. Yeah, here's some keys Go, drive on the highway and the crazy part the crazy part is to undo your marriage. Oh my God. Then they put you through. Oh, you got to take this course or you got to have this, and it's just like yo. It's like, wait six months, you want to do a mediation. What A minimum of six months. Some states have years, years. It's crazy. But you, let me walk in and sign on the dotted line and I was instantly in this mess, but I got to cut through hell and high water to get out. It sounds like y'all need to create a marriage license course. Oh, we already, keith, had. We talked about some stuff. I mean, y'all need to do that. I think if you paid into this, you know what. We're going to have an episode on marriage insurance. But we need to know Right now. Right now, tell, explain to people that just the premise of marriage insurance, we can the next episode, we can go deep into it, because I have it. It's, for me, looks interesting, it is a prenuptial agreement. But you can't say it, you can't call it a prenuptial agreement. It's marriage insurance. It's marriage insurance now first, hey, hey, hey, before you say anything, keith, three out of four of us have experienced divorce. Everyone by now knows who hasn't. Yeah, I'm just saying, before you say anything, key, three out of four of us have experienced divorce. Right, oh, everyone by now knows who hasn't. Yeah, I'm just saying Because I'm the only one still like hey, and you're the great black hope. So, like, just listen, just listen. When you go through divorce, your perspective changes. You cannot unsee your perspective changes. You cannot unsee what like. You know that parable of the rich man, of Lazarus, where the man is in hell and he's just like yo. When you know what it's like, you're like yo. You got to tell these people don't come down here, because this Y'all make sure, y'all tell me. So go ahead, keith. I just wanted to preface that Three out of four of us we've lived through the hell of divorce and so we got a unique perspective on this idea of marriage insurance. Talk to me, keith. I was just going to say that no one questions that. No, no, it's a beautiful green. It's a beautiful green. I love it. You really don't know. I pray to God. You never know, but I'm sitting here cultivating, cutting my lawn and y'all just like it's. Y'all don't put up rocks. It's like Arizona. It's hard escape, but no, okay, give the overview. The overview is simply this just like we pay for all other kinds of insurance in case something happens, marriage insurance would be one of those things that would cover couples and and what I would do. The way it was set up is not just that you pay money in case something happens. Paying into these premiums would allow you to have access to marriage accounts. Yeah, the benefits. Like you got a towing package If you're locked out of your car. Like you're invested into this protective measure where you can just call hey, I'm locked out, hey, I got a flat. Hey, I got a this. But how often are you doing that though? Well, you got a limit. That AAA is a limit. There's a certain number, but but you have the benefit. You've paid in advance for the benefit in case something happens, and it's going to happen. It's like with the car it's going to happen, that's going to happen. Life is just like it starts. We're not always going to be here. It's going to happen. Hold me, I'm a hope, and now you're just telling me it's going to happen. Yes, you always have the. But you are prepared when you get a flat tire, you are prepared because you have pumps, you have insurance, you have all these things that when you come across a problem, you're prepared to handle it. You're managing it. Marriage is not. We jump into this thing and we hit a flat and we're stuck. We die. No spare tires, no spare tires. No jumper cables, no phone, no charger, no charger. But you still got your feet In the wilderness and you walk through hell In the desert, where there are grizzly bears ready to eat you alive. Her friends, y'all are dark. You know what I need y'all to also go black and white, like Steve. Just go ahead and just Go Sith, go Sith. This is straight Sith thinking and I'll explain that later. Go back to Okay. So we're paying into premiums, premiums for the what-ifs, yes, now what happens if I make it 15 years? I make it 20 years? Nothing happens. Do I get a return on my investment? My deductible goes down. What are you saying? Safe driver credit yes, again, you're still getting credits. You're still getting benefits. There are because, again, you're still getting credits, you're still getting benefits. There are things that you're going to still be able to use in those years where it again it, like I said, I want to explain all of it today, but there there are benefits in having it that you may not even use right away, but they'll be offered, so there will be people who need it. I'll say I'm willing to bet 99.9% of people will need it. We all hit that wall at some point. Even the best couples hit that wall. Don't have no kids too and have to try to raise kids, and don't let those kids be girls, poor teenagers, and don't let it be in this day and age, which is impossible. Yeah, social media. Like I said, it's impossible not to have controversy and I'm learning that I ain't picking on the women, but so I had them. This week Some people told me my man is boring because he doesn't fight with me and I'm like because he wants peace. But she needed to argue, I need to argue, I need drama. All right, we're going to be in the rabbit hole with that one. The idea of marriage insurance, as I've understood because it didn't originate in me, but when I heard it it was like ah, because even the concept of making an agreement prior to a, a contentious misunderstanding, uh, ego battle. Like you, you, you I was really resistant, prior to going through my divorce, to the idea of prenuptial agreements. I think that we we have a misunderstanding, though. When it comes to a prenuptial agreement, the idea is that I'm saying that I'm planning for the demise. That's the idea. I'm saying that I'm planning for the demise. That's the idea. That's not it, you know. I'm saying that, hey, you know what I'm not really thinking? That this is forever. Somebody asked me that, yeah, it's not it. Isn't that also not a form of sharing? Hold on, hold on. Let me say this one thing Until you go through the inherently adversarial process of divorce, where the person who you promised to love and cherish till death do us part, is trying to kill your, I'm trying not to get, and once you like lifeless, once to unlife, like just in every imaginable way, to cause you the most excruciating, painful, unnecessarily complex. Just like you, if you haven't gone through the hell of divorce, you don't get it. When you go through it and you understand how you can be in love with somebody and then they can hate and be trying to kill you and take everything that they possibly can from you, and so the concept is that's the key. That's the key right there. That is the key Because, brian, I don't think that you would. You can't even fathom right now your wife being the devil, not to anybody else, but to you, to you. Imagine every speaker in your house. She don't even listen to none of these speakers, but imagine I want all the speakers. That's a scary thought. That's a scary thought. I love the host that comes second to only God is now the person that wants to end everything about me. That's a scary concept. That's a very scary concept. It is. It's hard. You promised to love, you promised to protect and for the years or for the time that you've done it, that's been the goal. But now you get to a space where, like you said, this person is coming for my head. So part of what this marriage insurance would do is prepare for that. In the event that we end up here, what is the plan? Going back to what we talked about before the rules, what's the plan? So all it is I was going to say all it is is is deciding, and I've learned just in life. This principle is so relevant you need to decide before the crisis happens how you're going to handle the crisis. Yeah, risk assessment, you have to decide before the crisis happens how you're going to handle the crisis. Yeah, risk assessment, you have to do that. You have to Because the crisis is going to happen. Now you hope that the crisis of divorce won't happen, but even if, understanding just the statistics behind it, it makes sense to have a plan. While the two of us are clothed in our right mind, you know what If, if somebody's mental capacity gets compromised and you, you go out here and do like? I am very against having unconditional parameters in any relationship. I don't even think God does that. Yeah, he has conditions. Yes, god has conditions. He absolutely does Eat my commandments. And so what? What are the conditions and what? What? What will happen if the day that you eat thereof, you will surely die? You're going to have to leave the garden. It's going to be a clear, unmistakable, I'm telling you. All that we're saying is the idea of marriage insurance is maybe we need to take out the terminology of prenuptial because of how it is seen, which is why the idea was marriage insurance, because you don't plan on the accident. You don't plan on the death. You don't plan on that, but you prepare for it In advance. You decide, before any potential crisis happens, how you would handle said crisis, and you know what. I think it would also help that people have an understanding coming into it. Also help that people have an understanding coming into it like, yeah, we always think that this is for if the other person messes up. Then you start thinking about hey, I'm not perfect. What happens if I mess up? This is, this is to protect me, not only for myself, but me from that other person, because I'm not perfect. So again, that goes back to those conversations I was talking about, where it's so easy to point the finger towards somebody else. But we got to start thinking about ourselves and what it is that our fallacies are, what our imperfections are and what it is that we may mess up on first and go into it like that, instead of thinking like I think you're going to cheat on me, I think you go just think like, hey, look, I'm not perfect. I don't know what, what's in my mind, I don't know what's in my heart, but to protect my wife or my husband from my imperfections, I'm willing to do. I'm willing to come at the table and sit down and talk about these particular things. All right, we definitely want to talk, talk about. I got a whole host of questions from my my sunny view, you know, but it's, it is definitely interesting. I'm I want y'all to tell me the difference between marriage insurance and a prenup, because still, it still sounds like Semantics, bro. That's what it is. It's semantics it's six in one hand, half a dozen in the other, but it's Because one of the questions it's semantics. But I will also speak on the fact that, because you're paying into something, it would what a prenup doesn't do. A prenup just says how we're going to end this and the reasons why we would end this. The insurance would cover the relationship. The insurance would cover getting. Like I said, I want to offer things While you're paying these premiums. We're offering counsel, we're offering data, we're offering certain packages where we're actually paying for you to invest in your relationship. So you're doing certain things. So it's like it's like a home warranty invest in your relationship. So you're doing certain things. It's like a home warranty. Wait a minute, steve, I can't hear you Say that again From what I'm hearing hopefully that's correct it's not just to cover financial needs. No, like Danny said, it's like a home warranty. You pay that fee and the guy just shows up to help you fix whatever you need to fix. So there's certain things where, again, you might be in a good space and you don't need any help this month, but this week, no, we've had problem with communication, we've had problem with finances. It sounds like they just need to have a counselor on retainer. Yes, that's part of it. That's part of it. Counselor coach, like. Again, I don't want y'all to get deep into it, but I'm glad to hear, because before it sounded like it was just all right, give me enough resources. It includes that. I think you have to include it. It's almost like not having life insurance. That doesn't make any sense. Giving the statistics about like it definitely includes the end part in case you don't want to know. So you know how. The biggest is who would be on the hook for payouts, given the numbers that y'all are saying. Who could make money from the government? Yes, all the way, as long as you get money from the government, oh, you ain't gonna worry about it. And that means people will probably just be like, hey, I'm married and now I don't want to be, just to get a payout. There's got to be some clauses in that, because you can't just do that. When you get car insurance, they got a waiting period. They got a time frame where you can't just get insurance and then make a claim within the first 30 to 90 days. You know what about those people that will? You know. I won't say falsify documents, but you always run the risk of fraud in anything that you do. But you would help more people. In my belief. You would help more people than you would be defrauded. Hopefully you won't have people. The pirates are going to come. Every industry, even government, has pirates. I think that, if I can surmise before my phone dies because it's been hanging on by a thread, marriage insurance is about the rules. Yeah, it's all about the rules for the relationship and when we look from Genesis to Revelation, there are always rules. God never leaves anything to chance. He lets you know these if-then statements, these if then statements, and it's a very clear, non-confusing just. This is what's going to happen when you go here. This is what you'll find when you go there. This will find. There's a tree of life, there's a tree of knowledge, of good and evil. There's a benefit package for both and you choose, but you're paying into that package based on the fruit that you choose to eat. In the same way, if you have this concept of marriage insurance, it is, it's the rules, it's you deciding as a couple. We want to be able to have a towing package when the car breaks down. We want to be able to have An extended warranty. It's not an end-all. Yes, it's an extended warranty. It's not an end-all, but it's just a maintenance package. It covers all it's life insurance. Make sure that you want to try it, because I'm telling you, I've walked with enough people who are going through a divorce, who are just taken back with just how inherently adversarial it is, because this person is trying to kill you, sometimes not physically, but in every other imaginable way, like they're trying to. And this is like, okay, if you can decide beforehand, all right, so that it's not even an issue. The rules are already created. When you go into play a game, you know, know where out of bounds is, and so if you're in a tense situation where somebody's violated the rules of relationships, this is out of bounds, and now that's a turnover on downs, now you have to change possession, and so it's just giving clarity, it's giving rules, because we thrive with that predictability. Okay, all right, the other two fifth lords have anything to say? Right on Right. That's funny. No man, take care of your marriages. Again, we all walked into this not knowing what we were getting into, men and women. We walked into this not knowing, not understanding everything. We have our examples, or lack of examples, but we all, we're all trying to figure this out. So I went to a at our church, miracle city in Baltimore, yesterday. We had a marriage coaching event yesterday. We and I'm glad we went, oh, because it was all the couples and uh, it was, it was. It was nice. I really enjoyed it and I was glad to see so many couples that look like us in there, writing, taking notes, getting information. It excited me. Like again, I want her to come back. I'm also want to bring some stuff. So, like again, I mean it's it, we want to bring some stuff. So, like again, I mean it's it, we want to strengthen couples. I talked to the pastor yesterday. He said next year we're going to do the retreat in October, so we're going to take the couples and go away and I think that's important. I will say in my, in the first administration, that's what I call the first marriage. I remember, like year one or two early on I don't know if it was that early, but early on in our marriage we went on a retreat and I remember how getting away and getting this, getting some of this information away from it, it was. It was different. I believe couples need that and that's absolutely so. So it's hey, maybe we can put put in I know I'm talking out of turn but a child care package because I, like, in year two, I had two kids and so we was just like, yeah, no, the one we had in Michigan. They had some of the teens come up and that's what they did while we were in our seven, our trainings. They, they made sure the kids didn't die. So they met him and they were, they were outside While we were in our trainings. They made sure the kids didn't die. They were outside. Again, it was different. They weren't on tablets all day, it was just different. Taking care of your marriage, taking care of each other and actually treating it like the course that it is. It's something we're always going to be learning Always. We're going to constantly be learning the person we're with. We're going to change. They're going to change Inevitable. All right. Right, reverend Steve, I said right on. But again, first and foremost, even before we even get to this point, just take merit seriously, because if you get it wrong, the consequences are dire. It's an emotional rollercoaster you don't, you're not prepared for it, you don't want, and no human being should have to go through. Like I said, this person that showed everything is not a person that wants to destroy you, your, your being, your, or you may feel like you want to destroy them. It's, it's not meant to be like that. It doesn't have to be like that, you know. So think twice before you, um, jump into this. That whole realm of uh, you know, of marriage. You know it definitely takes some time because it's all fun and games until you see one name as a plaintiff and the other name as a defendant. It get real. It get really real, especially murder charges. I'm just saying it can get that real, not just yeah, so you're automatically on both ends at this point. Yeah, and and I I would just chime in to say that a lot of times we see mental health breakdown, especially amongst men, um, and almost always a bad marriage is. I've seen newspaper articles of men dousing themselves in gasoline and lighting a match, literally just because of the duress. There's all kinds of horrible stories that exist. There's a lot of them. Marriage can be a blessing, but everything that can be a blessing has the potential to become a curse. Yeah, and so I would just say understand the role that you have to play. There is something you can do, or you can put a spare tire that's properly inflated in your car. I'm not saying to try to drive 80 miles an hour on that spare tire, but having the spare tire is good to have, because it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when and how you're going to handle those tough and difficult times when they come is really a characteristic of the wise. It's coming, it's coming. It's coming, brian, it's coming. No, it is not Okay. We're not putting that in the atmosphere. This square will stay colorful. This square will stay colorful. Dark city, it's going to be a time. It's going to be a time. Remember this conversation. I'm going to remember this conversation. It's going on the World Wide Web. It'm going to remember this conversation. It's going on the World Wide Web. It's going to be out there. Honestly, this is why I brought the Iron Table together and I brought these three, because y'all keep it real. Even though y'all are telling your pain points and your stories, y'all are still affirming and pouring in to me. I'll tell anyone who is married coming up on 13 years next year, we're at the halfway point. Congratulations, man, thank you. You got to find friends that have gone through it, who will speak the reality but also affirm your, affirm your marriage, because I know y'all don't want me to ever experience that. So, even when it's frustrating and it might be something that I've done I've been able to talk me off the ledge. Probably laugh at me, get back in there. Yeah, no way, you know, but, and that's why we have this channel. Yeah, no way, you know, but, and that's why we have this channel. We have this channel to just encourage men in ways that we may not have gotten it directly from our you know go if, if you and your partner can't find someone together, you've got to go. Talk to someone in order to make sure that you are covered, so that you don't react in that you really just take a step back and really listen to try to hear the truth, cause there is truth even in, even in the yelling, even in the arguing, there is truth. Next episode, we're definitely going to talk about this marriage insurance versus a prenuptial agreement. Dive a little bit deeper into it. Until then, I just want to thank my bros for taking the time out this morning. Danny, get yourself an Android phone that has power-saving functions, that still gives you a fire camera. As you were saying it, he said click, he had to. That battery, that battery, that battery, that battery, that battery. But all right, we keep it real. Of course, we always have that after recording Pow Wow. Maybe one day, if y'all pay for it, we'll let y'all in the inner table. Until then, guys, let's keep it real, work with accountability and, you know, let's keep telling our truth. All right, thank you.
