The Iron Table
The Iron Table
THE 50th Episode: Unlocking Emotional Connections: Exploring Male Vulnerability in Relationships
What if the simple act of feeling comfortable enough to call your partner "girl" could unlock the secrets to deeper emotional connections? Join us as we celebrate our milestone 50th episode at the Iron Table with hosts Bryant, Keith, Danny, and Steve. Reflecting on our journey from humble beginnings, this episode is rich with personal updates, exploring challenges and triumphs from entrepreneurship to self-care. Revel in the lessons learned through our professional and personal experiences, and discover the power of accountability, truth, and continuous self-improvement.
Ever wonder how past traumas shape our ability to be vulnerable in relationships? We dive into the male perspective on vulnerability, discussing the impact of past experiences and the cultural conditioning that often prevents men, particularly Black men, from expressing their emotions and seeking help. Practical steps to foster healthier relationships are laid out, including the importance of therapy, understanding personal and family history, and creating safe, judgment-free zones. By being quicker to listen and slower to speak, we can build stronger bonds and navigate the fine line between seeking advice and oversharing.
The complexities of trust, communication, and emotional intelligence in relationships are also on the table. We tackle the importance of establishing boundaries and rules of engagement, especially during conflicts, to maintain emotional safety and foster genuine apologies. Through stories and reflections, we examine societal issues, the role of media, and the importance of viewing one's partner as a teammate in fostering growth. Join us for an episode filled with insights, reflections, and practical advice to help you build stronger, healthier relationships. Thank you for being part of our journey, and we look forward to connecting in the next episode.
Welcome to the Iron Table, where iron sharpens iron. So should men sharpen men. I am your host, bryant Goddine, and I'm joined by my brothers, Keith, danny and Steve. We're your waiters, serving you accountability and truth. We now bring you to our program already in progress. So welcome to the iron table, where iron sharpens iron. So should men sharpen men. As you heard, brian, danny, steve and Keith, I'm just bringing you truth in a different way, steve and Keith. I'm just bringing you truth in a different way. Hopefully you learn something. If you don't, don't tell us, because it will make us feel bad. We are very sensitive, sensitive men. We are willing to go out into the desert in order to tell our women that we love them, just like the 1990s group started with Jodeci. As always, we do not own any rights of any music that we use, but we like to honor those. So we use their music and hopefully they say it's okay. It's okay. If not, then we'll have to pay somebody. Hopefully we won't, because we're a grassroots organization. We ain't got no money, but we got a lot of money.
Speaker 1:Fellas, what's been going on? It's been a while. This is episode number 50. For those who've been rocking with us 5-0, no need to run. This is episode number 50. I remember the first time it started, with Ethan and I. I think our first recording was, uh, at Keys, you know, sitting around that round, um, that round table we used to have with the, and I remember with the, what was it? The, not exhaust fan, but the, the AC unit, and then we could hear the people below us, um, uh, in their, in their language, uh, spanish speaking language. So that was. I forgot about that, yeah, and we had small, small equipment. I mean, I used to carry a big bag and we used to lug it everywhere, but we never took it on the road. That is interesting. I bought equipment to go on the road and we never took it on the road.
Speaker 3:It's not too late.
Speaker 1:It is not. We're going to have to have a men's trip. Maybe we come out to Steveopolis, you know where it is. Compound, yeah, where it's a compound no women, no children, no, just men, but just men, but fella what's been going on?
Speaker 1:It's been a while. Thank you for waking up this early in the morning, and if you see any bags under your eyes, I mean I didn't go to bed till three, so yeah. So I took a shower, tried to try to wake up my face, but if not, if it starts drooping, that's old age, old age. So what's been going on? What's been going on? Before we get into today's message, still a little roundup.
Speaker 2:Life, real life. I think we've been too long life, a thing we've been denied for far too long. Yeah, it's been good. We've just been doing. The thing focused on entrepreneurship has been my road, and always ups and downs, hills and valleys, and everything that's not working for you is working on you. So that's what I'm in the middle of right now.
Speaker 3:Is it kicking your butt some days?
Speaker 2:Oh, it gets the Timberlands. It starts stomping your boy in the mouth.
Speaker 3:That's right. Somebody told me that's how you know you're doing it right.
Speaker 2:That's it. That's it. Somebody told me that's how you know you're doing it right.
Speaker 1:That's it.
Speaker 2:It's a part of the process, a part of the journey. If it was easy, everybody would do it. We're here. Iron Table is all about making sure that we have iron. That's sharpening iron, because we can get better. Everything except Almighty God can improve.
Speaker 1:I'm like yo. Let's get All right, because we can get better Everything except Almighty God can improve.
Speaker 3:So I'm like yo, let's get Deacons any one of y'all Deacons. Okay, everything's been smooth, Everything's been cool. Man, a lot of times what I've been finding out, even for working with my clients you learn a lot about yourself too, you know, and even things that you need to improve on too. You know we're always a work in progress, regardless if you're the person receiving the help or giving advice. You know you. You definitely understand that everybody is always working to improve, understand that everybody is always working to improve. But I do got something that happened this weekend that I definitely want to talk to you guys about. In a sense, ask you guys a question. We'll wait for that question. That might be the question of the morning. Same old, same old. Yeah, same old, same old. Just just dodging, just running this race, trying to endure until the end when is the end?
Speaker 3:god says so right, right now. There you go, just getting up one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, trying not to kill nobody oh, that part, or myself, just you know, Again, the reason why we do this is to connect with others and hopefully compel them to see that it can get better. That's been me so, but today I get to take a break and go do some self-care.
Speaker 1:What is your self-care today?
Speaker 3:I ain't telling you.
Speaker 1:Okay, I won't tell you what my self-care is.
Speaker 3:No, I'm joking.
Speaker 1:That's how that is.
Speaker 3:Well for me, right now I'm catching up on some stuff, part of some music, honestly.
Speaker 1:Creativity. That's your self care, okay, alright, steve, since you said you had a question, I'll save mine for another time.
Speaker 3:Come on and bring it it's not going to last forever, so we can definitely get to all those questions. But so very simple question Just, us all being in relationships, or even, you know, think about past relationships Me and my girl were talking just to have a conversation about everything that was going good. She's getting into it X, y and Z, and within the conversation she was like, you know, I said something, I was like oh yeah, and then she was like girl, and then she stopped herself. Then she stopped herself. She was like oh my God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And I said, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I said no, no, no, ain't nothing to be, ain't nothing to be. Uh, we apologize for what? Not you know, we just went back to the normal conversation, but it had me thinking.
Speaker 3:And even just a question for you guys how not only just in uh, we're talking about conversation, we're mainly conversation. How comfortable do you feel like you're uh, in your relationships? Your, your women have been with you, because for a woman to even say something like that, you know to feel comfortable enough to even say girl to you know somebody that you know we're potentially getting married. It's, it's funny, but then it also has some insight to how comfortable you are with me and in conversating with me and and how you feel about just me in general as a friend, you know. So it made me think about that.
Speaker 3:I want to get your opinions on just that particular type of that subject, because I know I'm not the only person that has happened, that has happened to, or maybe I am. I know I'm not the only person that has happened, that has happened to, or maybe I am and uh, but you know, when it comes to being comfortable with your woman, being comfortable with you because and I asked this in twofold, because there's a narrative for, uh, for black women to be very strong and independent and, um, not really, you know, at a certain point in time even share their feelings sometimes too. That's, the narrative is kind of changing for men and women. You know to be at a place where you're vulnerable enough to just be that comfortable with your man. What are your thoughts on that particular scenario, as well as even your own experiences?
Speaker 2:I guess I would start by saying it might be a compliment If a woman is talking to you and is like girl, because that lets you know that emotionally she is feeling safe, she is feeling calm, she is feeling as though there's a vibrant connection there that not all men are able to to, to master developing because, um, I don't, I don't want to. I'm glad that she knows that you actually care or feels like that. Even if the context of your conversation is inconsequential to you, you make her feel as though it matters.
Speaker 2:I think, that is important. So she's going to feel like you are connected enough to just accidentally call you girl. So I think it's a good thing. It can be a good thing.
Speaker 1:As long as everything else is in place. Yeah, she said I'm sorry instantly, because Steve's a man's man. Wait a minute. Was there an awkward pause?
Speaker 3:No, no, I know, even just for her, holding her, realizing that she let it slip, because she's a person that's just kind of always in control of what that she let it slip, but just I let her alone, like, are you okay? You, just, you know, it's cool, it's okay, it's okay. You know, now we can't have this be an everyday occurrence, uh, but again, you know it just again, in our relationships, you know, just looking back in our relationship, looking at our relationships that we're in now, you know, you know how comfortable do you guys feel, like your, your, your mate, your spouse, your significant others are with you when it comes to that level of vulnerability, of even sharing your emotions and sharing your thoughts, your feelings and your desires and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:I mean, we've been together for 14 years, 12 of which were married, and so it took a while, I mean. But I say that we are definitely close. If she said girl, I wouldn't even phase me, because we, we talk in the morning, we talk throughout the day and even, you know, at night We'll say we are each other's best friends. So it's it that that takes a while. You have to go through some things in order to use it. It's not the good things. You got to go through the bad things and see that there is a recovery and that you can recover recovery and that you can recover. Because I remember early, early on in our relationship, when we had fights, I would, I couldn't sleep and feel sick to my stomach. I would call. I would call Danny and Keith. I'm like man, what's going on? I'm walking these streets like and I mean I could hear them laughing at me.
Speaker 2:I mean, it was with care, but I could hear them laugh.
Speaker 1:It was like dude. You, you do understand, this is year one, you know. Call me again in year five, which I did. You're seven, eight, nine, I mean, but that's it's life. Because we understand you bring in two different people into the home with two different backgrounds, two different pathways, in order to achieve the same goal, and when you realize that there isn't one way, things get a lot easier. So we, it took some growth, took some going through some things, you know, raising a young black man, a young black boy turning into a man, and then just to you know, friends.
Speaker 1:So if you've got this and I don't know how long you and your girl have been together, but from our conversation, sidebar conversations, it sounds like y'all have, y'all have been that God has given y'all the playbook to understand each other, to work together to achieve that. That so many people I mean they could be together longer than they have not been able to achieve that they always feel like they have to have something reserved. It's almost like you're all in. If you play poker, you push all your chips in and say, hey, no, this is going to work. It's not going to work, but there is no reservation. So to to have a conversation like that even in just you funny, I mean, that is, that is phenomenal. You know you get that gold gold star today, that you know. Why are you looking so serious?
Speaker 3:I'd be like yes because, but that's just it, though you know a lot of other men that you, some men I've talked to, or whatnot. They would be offended. They would be offended that you know, and it goes back to some other things be offended. They would be offended that you know and it goes back to some other things. You know insecurities, or you know even homophobia or whatnot, but they would be offended that they're that. That happened. Like you know, I'm, I'm a man, I ain't no girl, it is. It's just that whole, that moniker of of sometimes us as men, we can't, um, you know, we can't turn certain things off. You know what I mean. And look at the bigger, bigger picture. So a lot of men will be offended. It requires looking at the bigger picture. If you see yourself first in a situation, then yes, you're going to be offended by that. But if you, as you guys are presenting, if you look at the deeper meaning to why that happened a lot of times, most times, um, it is that, is it the comfort level, the, the freeness.
Speaker 3:I can't tell you what's happening at home and because of the line of work that happened at work, when a lot of my female clients in particular get really comfortable. It has happened and they catch them. I'm sorry, mr Jones, I called you my bad bad Again. They correct themselves. But I also have learned that it is a sign that they are truly comfortable and that most women are used to talking to their female friends about some of this foolishness. They really get intimate with their female friends so when they're in the zone they're used to saying and girl guess what? And I thought, oh my goodness, like oh my goodness, and I'm trying to think of one particular line. That was because it was hilarious, but it's, it happens. My point is that it does happen and again, that a lot of times they'll catch themselves and they feel bad for doing it. But getting into the habit, as most people get in the habit or I'll speak, you know, as most women get in the habit of communicating with us and we learn to listen effectively, we all adapt.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:It's a bad thing, you know. On the flip side of that, it had me thinking how do I show? Not show, but how am I? Or do I show that I'm comfortable with my woman Because I am, but do I show it? You know, because it's like the same sense of a lot of men oh, I love my woman, but then how do you show it, you know. So I want to question that to you guys. You know, how is it that you guys show that you're comfortable with your woman? And I think it's unique for each particular person too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say, like I see you, brian, for me it's being vulnerable is not something most men are used to, honorable is not something most men are used to, and so, anytime I'm telling you something that can cause you to see me in less than perfect light, because we're going to preserve our ego and or the perception of it at all costs, because we need to be esteemed, especially when you're in a situation where how do I say this? How do I say this If, if respect has been compromised in any way, it makes it's like the kryptonite for vulnerability, because it prevents us from from thinking that it's safe space to come and reveal these areas where I might not be as confident as I'd like to be, or that you would need me to be, and so I don't know. For me it's vulnerability. That's how I know that. All right, it's the proverbial equivalent of the girl. If she gets that part of me, then that's when I know that.
Speaker 1:You know she's kind of transcended the barriers that would normally exist because of our fragile ego. So, you know, I'm at the axe, like you know, for those women that watch, because we do have women that watch. This, like what? What is an example of vulnerability? Because if we are nine times, or I would even say 11 times out of 10, you know strong masculine.
Speaker 1:You know we, we can't show weakness. We may be thinking that we're showing weakness, but to them it might be a regular day. So what is a give, a scenario on what's vulnerability, a vulnerable moment in a man, so that our female listeners can be like, oh okay, he's being vulnerable? Is it when we get defensive, you know, when we're trying to defend a point and maybe we're raising our voice? Is that a vulnerable moment?
Speaker 2:I would say, admitting fault is one.
Speaker 1:We say I'm sorry, I won't get in trouble today.
Speaker 2:It can be Admitting ignorance or something that would denote the perception of weakness.
Speaker 3:Yeah, anything that falls under that category, but those things definitely. I think for a lot of men the reason we don't like to ask for directions, yeah, yeah, yeah. The perception of weakness or incompetence.
Speaker 2:That's what it is. The perception of weakness or incompetence, it's just like, yeah, no, I got it. I got it no no, no I got it Like blank man. I got it. I got it Like blank man, I got it I got it To be able to admit to somebody who you desperately want to hold you in high esteem that yo, I don't got it. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like yo, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Speaker 1:So, what's that? Are most men really able to do that? No, that's why I'm saying that's the tell-tale.
Speaker 3:So what's that? Are most men really able to do that?
Speaker 2:No, that's why I'm saying like that's the, that's the telltale sign for me that okay, yeah she, she has come into the Holy of Holies, because we don't do that.
Speaker 1:We weren't taught.
Speaker 3:We weren't taught to even take it, take it. Yeah, I was just about to say that. Take that even further.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was just about to say that. Take that even further.
Speaker 3:It's a safe place. Say that again, keith. I said, even if we are caught it, is it safe for most? It's not safe for most men because there are I mean again because I listened to it there are a lot of women taught what to do with that and they mishandle it and it becomes abusive.
Speaker 1:And well, you guys amen it's a safe space until we put this on the internet no, it becomes.
Speaker 3:It can become a very. It could be the recipe for a very toxic relationship by admitting faults to people who are not prepared or who don't know what to do with or who are not. Like you said, you got to go to the most holies of holies back back in the old times. You had to wash and do. You had to do, you had to be ready, you had to prepare for that. There's some women who, again, I could tell you my flaws and you, in this day and age, they go and post it on social media. That's what my husband said. He does. He said his weakness.
Speaker 3:The whole world now knows his kryptonite. We're already reluctant to open up, but when we've been burned, oh my gosh, it makes it hard.
Speaker 2:Go ahead. Steve, I was going to say one of the most common ways that that happens is when we're in a disagreement or an argument and they go and they reach back. You know the experts are reaching back, they will go and grab 19 or whatever that thing was that you revealed and then throw it in your face and it's just like yo that's flag on the plate. And then they wonder why we don't open up.
Speaker 1:They wonder why.
Speaker 2:It's just like yeah. It's not safe to. And even when they try to make those repair attempts. It has to be consistent effort over time. A woman has to. This is where a woman needs to exercise self-control. Men, we have a physical power and we have to show restraint because when we're upset, we default to the physical use of our capabilities.
Speaker 2:And so a woman is in need, in the same way, of showing restraint with stewarding that man's vulnerability, if she expects to have a relationship with him that is characterized by true intimacy, which is built upon vulnerability.
Speaker 3:Yep, okay. And see this is this is and uh-oh, is there a delay? There's not a delay in. Am I good? Yeah, now you're good now you're okay.
Speaker 3:Um, and I was just going to say, sometimes even that vulnerability comes with a history of past traumas that could be, you know, taken, you know either way. But you know, I know, even just personally, for me, me being vulnerable is including you in things that I like to do, because in the past, when I it blew up in my face or you know it was just, you know, this particular person just wreaked havoc on everything that I like to do. So knowing that it's like, ok, me being vulnerable now is including you in my life, knowing the possibilities of what can happen, you know, knowing the possibilities that you can tear this up or knowing the possibilities that you can ruin this event for me. For a while I didn't travel international because I was scared about if we get locked up abroad because of this particular person's actions. At that point I just didn't Me even just traveling, wanting to travel, that's me being involved because of the historical trauma that I went through before.
Speaker 1:This thing ain't letting Steve be vulnerable, it's trying to keep you strong. That's what StreamYard is Plug to StreamYard, okay. So, given what we've said, because we don't have any women, so we we can't tell them what they need to do. But, as men, what do we need to do in order to either recognize that, ok, this may be the reaction that we're getting, but you still don't stop trying to be vulnerable or inclusive, or these are the warning signs to say, okay, this is when you need to stop, because if you go any further, you know, as we talked about letting someone in the most holies of holy, one of the things they had was they also had a rope tied to the priest, had a rope tied to his ankle because if he wasn't right he could be struck down and you had to pull him out. What tangible steps, tangible nuggets that's out there that we can tell young men, older men, men who haven't been in a position where they can see that vulnerability is a good thing for the collective of the home or the relationship.
Speaker 3:What's there? Step one is first being vulnerable and honest with God and yourself to even identify what are these flaws, what are these things that I need to improve in my life. A lot of times we, as guys, we don't even want to open that. We know a little bit, but we might not. We don't want to again, we don't want to open it up. We don't want to open that. We know a little bit, but we might not. We don't want to again, we don't want to open it up. We don't want to cut it open and investigate what's inside, because we know we're not going to like what we see. So there are people with various addictions or various struggles that they have and they don't want to. They tiptoe around it, they know they got to do something about it, but they really don't take the effort of going, in some cases, to therapy or or or talking to some of their family or friends about family history, or. Or you know genetic, or you know genetic genetics or family curses, just whatever it may be, just going inside. Why is it here and what do I need to do to get rid of it? So, step one figure yourself out, because you can't explain it to her, if you don't know. I think that's that's extremely important.
Speaker 3:Um, not only just figuring yourself out, um, looking back at how you um even grew up, even just thinking about what we're talking about right now, hey, I had to even think about it. I don't think as a kid I ever went to my mother and say, hey, mom, I messed up as far as not getting caught first, but that you know, we weren't taught to just go and just say, hey, I messed up or hey, I feel a certain way. We weren't really really taught that. And I think that that spills over to us as adults, especially men, to where we don't usually, and it goes back to kind of what we were talking about last episode us as men, especially Black men, we don't really cry for help. You know what I mean. We don't ever just say hey, I or hey, I messed up or I'm feeling a certain way, you know. So, even just looking at some of the things that you used to do historically, and it is just that simple If you want to do better, hey, do the opposite of what you used to do.
Speaker 3:You know. If you want a different change or you want a different outcome, you know the simple. The simple part is do the opposite. If you don't like in a in a relationship, if you don't want to argue with somebody, you find yourself just talking all the time and shut up. That's the. That's the opposite of talking too much Shut up Sometimes. It's just that simple. Do the opposite Just hush, just just just hush. And I think the bible speaks to that. Was it slow to slow to speak swift to to to hear something like that? You know, I know I'm probably getting that messed up but quick to listen, slow to speak looking at things in that perspective sometimes too yeah we got, there we go okay.
Speaker 1:So one of the things I heard, um, was, you know, kind of a, you know a safe space. How, how do you create a judge free zone in order to have that safe space? Because if I think about it, you know, I know my situation is different. You know, again, we've been together for a long time so we've had ups, downs and I believe in having ups and downs builds trust. It can build a safe space because you have, uh, what is it? Uh shared? Uh, I don't want to share trauma, but you know it's, it's almost like uh, when we're talking about uh school.
Speaker 1:The school we went to we were trauma bonding maybe I think that's what it is, uh is that what marriage is, though, like Sinbad, was even talking about how?
Speaker 2:he got married. I know you're crazy. You know is marriage God's way of trauma, bonding two individuals together.
Speaker 1:I mean now because of sin, yes, but think about it. You really can't trust someone until you know how they act in perilous times, in times where it's not smooth, when the waters are rough. You know you look at the person next to like are you a sink or swim? Are you fight or flight? You know, and I always say, always, say hey, the alphabetical order that I becomes before l, so we fighting before we fly. You know flying away and you know you look at, that only happens when, um, you've experienced bad times. Like I say, I never know. I'm truly happy unless I've experienced sadness, but how?
Speaker 1:do you create that, that safe space, that judge free space. And as men, I mean we, we work with accountability, we work with respect, we are one of our terms is my bad Once you say my bad and it like erases the slate. It's like that old little dollar store, little drawing pad. My bad, I'm back now. You might see little glimpses, but you know you're like.
Speaker 1:OK, if you do it too much, then we know in that area we don't rock with you. But in a relationship you don't always have that ability to compartmentalize things. Compartmentalize things, so how do you create that safe space? Or, and then the converse is, how do you recognize that the space isn't safe and it's time to vacate Because we got to be real? I'm not a proponent for divorce or breaking up, but if these things happen, what's the most amicable way or least painful way of doing that? We got to talk about the pluses and the minuses Again judge-free zone. How do you make it Then? How do you recognize that if it's not going to be a free zone, how do you protect yourself or, I guess, get out? It might be something we need to chew on. Do we need to pivot? Because I know I dropped a hammer there?
Speaker 3:I mean naturally.
Speaker 3:We know some of the signs of, just like I said, anything that is intimate or personal or anything that is sacred not being held as such.
Speaker 3:And when I say that, again, we've seen it where things end up on social media or like her whole family knows everything about things that typically would have or should have stayed in-house, or the mailman, and sometimes it's not done intentionally. And this is where, like you said, sometimes it's it's a learning process for us all, because there are times where people I've seen dynamics where people are just looking to understand certain things, so they will raise, they'll raise certain personal conversations with a sibling or a parent asking for clarity. I've seen a woman ask her dad about something involving ED, now, naturally, yeah, or erectile dysfunction, so, just for the sake of the listeners, so naturally, yes, he was disappointed that she went to talk to people about his situation, what he was going through, but where was the line? I guess, did she? But did she? Did she do it out of like maliciousness, just like gossip and talking, or was she like really trying to get help with, like how to solve this problem, trying to understand?
Speaker 3:it doesn't matter yeah, but she was trying to understand it matters she was trying to understand how can I help my husband, as he because I don't, I've never experienced this, I, I'm not going through menopause yet and she was like so some of these things. And then there was so much to this that she didn't understand, cause I told her it's not just physical, it's psychological, it's like there's so many components wrapped around this. And and her going to her dad to ask questions because, again, she had a relationship where she could talk to her dad about these things. He was disappointed when the husband found out. He did feel betrayed because this wasn't something that he wanted to be shit. He didn't want his father-in-law to know what's that?
Speaker 1:He didn't want his father-in-law to know.
Speaker 2:Who do you really want to know that Like who?
Speaker 3:Like where in the universe do you want that to get?
Speaker 2:out to anybody.
Speaker 3:He didn't want me to know. So I'm like, oh, I can't help y'all if we don't talk about these things, but helping him understand that she does need to do her research Now. She doesn't have to throw you under that she does need to do her research now. She doesn't have to throw you under. I mean again, she doesn't have to make you feel like you've been thrown under the bus to do it. But at the same time, people aren't dumb. If she comes to her dad asking, or comes to various people asking questions, people will assume anyway, oh, she must be going through or they're going to ask her, why are you asking? And she might tell them just trying to figure things out for my marriage. Her why are you asking? She might tell him Just trying to figure things out for my marriage. But my point is it wasn't done maliciously, it was done because she's really trying to figure out how to help her husband.
Speaker 1:But he didn't see it.
Speaker 2:He was disappointed.
Speaker 1:You go to Thanksgiving and Father's Day and corn.
Speaker 3:But that's a key component is intent. What is the intent? If my intent is to help you, which ultimately helps us, at a certain point in time we got to kind of look at that picture. As husband and wife, I always tell my clients there's the twins that you really have to afford each other, the twins of grace and wife. I, you know we are always tell my clients there's the twins that you really have to afford each other, the twins of grace and patience, and they go hand in hand. You have to give your, your, your, your, your, your spouse, um, the utmost patience and the utmost grace that you would never give anybody else. So you have to, you have to be able to those feelings and those, that emotion that you would have for somebody off the street. You got to dial that back for your spouse to say okay, you know what I'm going to think objectively about this. What was your intent? Was you gossiping? Was you really just trying to make fun? Was you just trying to, you know, vent to people like I'm sick of this, him and his ED and all this versus I'm really trying to get us to. You know, get some, get some help here. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:So sometimes we have to dial it back, um, as people, um that are in relationships, to really understand what is the intent. Because I think that now it's not more or less about you did this to me. It's now. It's about I'm embarrassed. And you know, as human beings, when we get embarrassed we do some stupid things. We do some stupid things and we have those feelings and those emotions just come out because we're embarrassed about something.
Speaker 3:So again, sometimes even look at and as men, you know we have to. I mean, it never happened to me knocking on all the wood in the house to speak, but you have to at a certain point in time. You know us as men, we got to deal with reality sometimes too. You know we human beings, things happen. You know I didn't want to cut my hair. Guess what the Lord said. Hey, you need to cut your hair or you'll it's going to be back here, you know it. You know sometimes it is what it is. You just you deal with life and, and again that's where the spiritual aspect of it is. You just, you deal with life and again that's where the spiritual aspect of it is. You just say sometimes you got to go to God for things, but I think it's more or less dealing with that embarrassment. Not really what you did, but again being able to look in the intent of our spouse is going to be very key in this too, to get out of our own feelings.
Speaker 2:I'm going to chime in and say it's all about the rules of engagement, because if you, as a couple, have clear rules in terms of all right, babe, you mind if I talk to so-and-so about such-and-such, as opposed to just finding out that something that was private, something that was personal, something that was whatever, something that was whatever, the rules of engagement are so like. If it's for finances, if there was some couples, the only reason I picked this area is because a lot of people have rules around that. Ok, if it's an amount over this, then we need to talk to each other. So it's a rule. It's a boundary. Talk to each other, so it's a rule. It's a boundary. It's something that's predetermined, that is collaboratively put in place so that there's no confusion.
Speaker 2:The problem comes when we have the expectations that it's not going to get places. Most of our problems in romantic relationships and in life is really surrounding these unmet or mismanaged expectations. And so if the expectation was that you were going to hold on to this and that it wasn't going to get out to my mom or get out to my sister, get out to your best friend, get out to whomever like, what are the rules? And so if you're establishing that up front, you minimize the possibilities for confusion and you can preemptively say, like in the case of the financial example hey yo, babe, I got this purchase that's over the amount. Do you mind if we move forward on it or do you have questions, comments? Whatever is predetermined just minimizes the confusion, keeps the relationship strong and manages those expectations. I don't know if that was a good way of putting it, but I think that oftentimes we get in a pickle when we expected something and we got something else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, everything goes back to communication, commun, communicate those expectations.
Speaker 1:But just remember, rules are like donuts, they have holes and some of us will exploit those holes, those nuances and rules. There's always a gray area. So how do you change your mindset? Because, again, as men, we speak in the language of respect and accountability and that's a singular mindset. That is a singular, direct, linear mindset, but then in relationships is about together, collective, which invokes grace. So how do you, how do you change that mindset? What is an acceptable time? And I know you want to say it varies, if you know everyone is different, but where, in your different professions and different areas of life, that you've seen that a relationship won't grow if this mindset is still the dominant mindset. You know what I'm saying? It's a bad mindset. I'm saying that in respect. Respect is very singular. No-transcript, silent, pausing questions. I'll give y'all a question list, but y'all bring it out of me. I have me thinking like what is?
Speaker 3:it.
Speaker 1:There's pieces, there's different pieces, and they all get their own answers this is why someone hates Keith and I because we ask these type of questions can we say his name? No, we're not giving him any credit today.
Speaker 3:He gets no credit again with us he gets no credit Again with us. We have we talked about it before this ego, and a lot of times it stops us from getting help and we tell them you can't help me either. So I can't put a time frame on it because, again, going back to what I said before, until we do the homework for ourselves and realize we're the one messing up, messing up the game, we're messing up the Florida game. You know it's easy when we're calling everybody else out on. You know, and we seen that, you know how everything could be better if everybody else would just do this. But when it's us is, we have a hard time admitting it at first and so we can delay the process. To answer your question why there's no timetable, we can delay the process of us getting into that sacred space of trust because we won't allow ourselves to trust from the beginning. So there is no time frame.
Speaker 3:It really varies for everyone. Once you're able to identify what your issue is, you can go and we test, and most of us as human beings, we test out slowly. We may not go with the big bomb, we might go with a little firecracker and we see what she does with that, and then we'll go with a little M90. Now we're going to move to the pack of dynamite. This is my struggle, this is what I have issues with, or this is what I don't like. That really depends on our willingness to be vulnerable and trust them, and I've seen it. Where people just don't have that thing, it does blow up in their face. You, like that joint right in your hand, blow your whole self up. So that's why I was saying there is no. I would love to say there was a timetable of of progression. But, like with every relationship, every relationship is different.
Speaker 1:So progression is is different so if I, if I'm starting out in a relationship, it's been a year and there's no, there's been no vulnerable moment or you know, really a trusting or M 80 situation, does that mean that I've, that I've not given it the, you know, the, the true tech, or that I've not made it, I've not made myself vulnerable to see if it works? Or is that just a hey, you know, in a year something should happen, you know but you know, I think in due time god got a purpose for everything.
Speaker 3:It'll happen. Trust and believe it. It it'll happen. More than once it will definitely happen. And then that's when, when it's it's that let's sit back and look and evaluate what we mean to each other, what this means, you know. But, like Keith said, I don't think there is a set time, but just know it's going to happen, whether it be year one or year 10. It's going to happen, you know, and, and I always, and it's going to happen, it's. But again, but you know indeed even the severity of it.
Speaker 3:But I always tell, I always tell couples, you know there's three levels to To conflict. You know per se, you know we have debate or whatnot, that you know that's going to happen. Or disagreements I'm sorry, we have disagreements. That's definitely going to happen all the time. Sometimes debates I mean those disagreements can turn into arguments. We don't want those to happen, but sometimes it does still happen. Those arguments can then turn into fights. Those arguments can turn into fights and the fights is what we don't want to have. So you know, when we're looking at just the degree of severity, when we're talking about conflict, just understand it's going to happen. You know whether it be year one or year 10. Some people are very real reserved until guess what. We get to year six where we're saying girl, then all of a sudden it's like, oh okay, all right, all right, we hear, now, we hear. So now the work begins. But again it's it's, it's dependent on the person as well as the situation too. But there's no, really no set time yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:To me it goes back to what I was saying about like expectation, because if, if you have rules of engagement, like steve was saying, you know the disagreements, arguments, fights, you've got rules to fight by. Like there was saying, the disagreements, arguments, fights, you've got rules to fight by, there's no sport that doesn't have rules. The rules are there to protect people. The rules are there to make sure it's fair. The rules are there for a number of different reasons a degree of predictability, so that you can hone in on your skills and you know what's below the belt, you know what's out of bounds, and so if you're able to manage that, I think that you can hone in on your skills and you know what's below the belt, you know what's out of bounds, and so if you're able to manage that, I think that you can mitigate when you are going to have those escalated situations where you go from disagreements to arguments, to fights, because you're operating according to the rules.
Speaker 2:Or at least you can acknowledge when somebody stepped out of bounds and you previously determined, before emotions are heightened, that, all right, this is out of bounds. We both agree this is out of bounds and you've previously determined, before emotions are heightened, that all right, this is out of bound. We both agree, this is out of bounds. All right, this is out of bounds when we're good. And so when we're not good and it happens, at least we can go back to what we rationally constructed before we were in a heightened emotional state to be able to to say, hey, that's out of bounds, you're right, it is out of bounds, we agree. And so that that can prevent a lot of things going south.
Speaker 2:It's managing expectations proactively instead of reactively, because that part that part when we're not given the skills by example and we grow up, we're just throwing darts at a moving target with a blindfold on in the dark and we end up just trying to do the best that we can. We have no expectations, so we're aiming at nothing and we hit it every time and we wonder why our relationships aren't doing good. This is why it's so important for, I guess, especially Black people to get into some counseling, get into some therapy, to have somebody to help you develop rules of engagement, to be able to identify okay, this is out of bounds, because when you can manage those expectations, you can prevent a lot of mess from hitting the fan okay, and that's so funny that you that's what you call it rules of engagement, because I always talk to my clients and I say, hey, we got to develop our rules of engagement, like what, are we going to war, or something like that.
Speaker 3:And I say, yeah, you can it, can. You know, you can feel like that. You know, I always, and I tell them that you know it, it's about um, you know, sometimes I'll I'll tell them that you know it's about um, you know, sometimes I'll tell them that, hey, you know what you have to develop particular keys in order to know what's going to work for you guys. Because, again, you know, I even have a thing where I say, hey, um, I tell them, I make them write like four top 10 lists. Right, what are the top 10 triggers for you? What do you think are the triggers for them? Have them both do it. So that way, now we're and I said you know work on it separately, because you may not even know what your triggers are, but your spouse do. So you know, you're learning each other.
Speaker 3:And then also, hey, when we do get to the point to where we see that it's about to go, what, what are our rules of engagement with hey, you know what, I need to take a drive, or I need to take a walk, or I need to. You know, and we have to agree that hey, me taking a drive, that I'm going to come back and I'm not abandoning you or the conversation, but we have to to these rules of engagement, or, even when we are arguing, to these rules of engagement, or even when we are arguing hey, I always make my couples do this. There has to be a timeline 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, six months or a year. What time frame do you want to have to where you cannot go back and bring something out of the past? So if you guys agree on 30 days.
Speaker 3:you gotta have a hold this part right here, Preach Steve. Preach Sunday morning Preach, preach, if you agree on one year. We can't reach back into the past. If it happened 364 days, guess what. It's fair game. But tomorrow you can keep it out your mouth. A lot of couples struggle with that. They struggle, oh, they struggle. They will dig up that bone and they will. Deacon, steve has spoken he came with me Seven years ago. What so did she say sorry? So did y'all move on.
Speaker 2:so why we like. So exactly what is the significance of like? Why are we still going?
Speaker 3:to do it, but, but whenever? But whenever they get into an argument, it becomes the excuse, it becomes a catalyst, because this is what I was gonna go back to say what happens when people don't. You know the rules of engagement, but my emotions tell me I don't have to follow these rules and I'm going to bring up everything you've ever done. Exactly, and now I'm no longer a safe place for you because I see now that this is what you do when you get angry.
Speaker 3:That's why I always put that that in. There has to be some time. We cannot we, we haven't I make them write down their commandments for uh, for for a um, for a marriage. You know, you gotta start putting on your laws, your commandments as a marriage, of what you're going to do, and that's always number one or two. Hey, I should not go back one year and bring you something from the past, or thou should not go back 60 days, or whatever it may be that y'all agree to. But y'all got to look back at this and say, hey, you know, if the other person is doing it, hey, guess what? You going back against what we said we were going to do, and the other person has to be like it has to that constructive criticism. That's the only way it's going to work.
Speaker 3:But that is a very that's a bad one that people again they'll bring up stuff that happened.
Speaker 3:I mean, I've had couples that have gone college and have been married 40 years and things have been brought up about things that happened in college 40 years ago. It's like you really want to have this argument and we, as men, now hold on. Let me say this we, as men, have a very time with this too, when we feel like we've been hurt, we feel like our woman is has talked to a man, and you know, we, we feel just really, um, what was it? Uh, this demasculated or whatnot? Oh, my god, we will go, we will reach back a hundred years and say, hey, I remember when you was an embryo and you talked to this other sperm that was out there before I got there, all those things. We will do that and it's like you really want to have this. All right, you really, you really want to, you really want to go there, cause all it's going to do is hurt y'all, because if she lose and it's and it's like, it's like it's a competition.
Speaker 3:And I always have to tell people, well, tell me, if she loses, guess what you lose too, because you are, you are.
Speaker 1:Thank you. So isn't forgiveness the language of respect and accountability, and grace the language of like love, emotion? Because if you're reaching back, while you may have verbally forgiven, emotionally you haven't.
Speaker 3:while you may have verbally forgiven, emotionally you haven't. So if people keep reaching, but see there's a different but, but there's there's different languages to forgiveness too, there's different languages to that. There's the dude that met the, that wrote the uh, the love language. He has another book and a lot of people the five uh apology languages or something like that too. Yeah, so people don't really read that one. We want to, but we don't want to learn about what we need to do in order to repair and to say, I'm sorry, what works best for that other person.
Speaker 1:We don't want to do that one.
Speaker 3:We want to get it.
Speaker 1:What if we genuinely are? Sorry and just be like my bad, just to get through to the next point, and that's another conversation.
Speaker 3:This your spouse, this your spouse, this your spouse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I understand. And that's that mindset we're going to have to have one. On that mindset, you are no longer an individual, it's no longer self-preservation, it preservation of your relationship, and that means you got to let some stuff go.
Speaker 3:Brother, I'm telling you, man, I'm telling you, I've heard stories of men have told me she's not my partner. Huh, that's not a partner. She's not my partner. That's not my partner, that's my wife. I'm like and I'm flabbergasted because I it's. Sometimes it's like at that point your mom can't do couples therapy. We have to work on you and your mindset at this point, because this is never going to work when your mindset is on that we're not partners. This is, this is your teammate and my thing is now when she goes play for another team.
Speaker 1:Now we have a problem.
Speaker 3:She got traded. Now you want to be teammates Now.
Speaker 2:She put in her trade request, like I, hear all the time she don't want to be with me.
Speaker 1:No more Like when you said she wasn't yours so I was just want to be with me, no more, like when you said she wasn't yours. So I was just trying to be strong. That's how I was taught.
Speaker 3:That's how you be strong Show no emotion You're going to be strong, and no emotions by yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hey, hey. We got to just go out into the wilderness. No, go out into the desert. Find that one piano that's still out there for boys to men and and sing her a song.
Speaker 1:Yeah it's it's. It's interesting how we, as men, are quick to to point out, as we've heard today, point out other flaws, other faults. But I mean, we are the captains of this relationship. If something's not going right, we got to look at ourselves and say, and what are we doing wrong? Or, and it may not be, what am I doing wrong, what can I do better? Because what I've been doing is not, is not not, working out. So, fellows, we've, we've been on here. It's almost an hour. Any parting words or final thoughts?
Speaker 2:Yeah, for me I'll just jump in Quick question, Go ahead.
Speaker 3:Oh no, just a quick question. We don't have no time for overtime, Just like a couple of minutes. Do we have time? I'm not going to church today.
Speaker 1:Oh dang, I mean I'm free going to church today.
Speaker 3:so I mean I'm free, but I don't know about the rest after our conversation I'm talking about on this platform, right here, I think we need a whole new one, bro.
Speaker 2:I think that what we started. I don't think we can do it in 10 minutes, because when you started preaching I was like, yeah, we started. I don't think we can do it in 10 minutes because when you started preaching I was like yeah, we need a whole series on that, right there.
Speaker 1:I'm right there, I'm just taking notes.
Speaker 3:This is something that y'all put in the chat and it's been bothering me ever since. What's wrong with our people? I'm tired. I'm tired. I know I joke and I say something about the purge and all those things, but there needs to be a thinning of the herd. Y'all presented that whole. What was the bad thing? Bad something, the baddies of Detroit or something like that, the way it was fighting at the thing. I mean only somebody has experienced that you need a whole new thing. I'm flabbergasted, but yeah, it's a whole new thing.
Speaker 2:It's always going to be crazy stuff that's out there and the media is going to show.
Speaker 3:Why we got to be the one to do it, though why got to be us?
Speaker 1:Because we're attention seekers. We profit from ratchetness. Let's be honest we do.
Speaker 2:That's the only way that we know how to garner attention Consistently.
Speaker 3:We get exposure, but I don't think we profit a dime. We don't profit anything from ratchetness. We get exposure, but I don't think we profit a dime. We don't profit anything from ratchetness. We get exposed, we get viewed a certain way.
Speaker 1:If you post it on YouTube, where you can get some ad dollars.
Speaker 3:But we as a community individuals maybe, but we as a community we lose. We lose when we get out there and we act like what our people do. It's what we do. I feel a certain way about it. I feel a certain way. I asked a question Now that you bring that up Because I said I was talking to my daughter in middle school and I was talking about the fights that happened at school. I said is it the Asian kids? Kids, no, not really maybe maybe one fight.
Speaker 3:I said, is it the Filipino kids? Like I wasn't. And then I said, is the white kid? She was like, well, they have some. She's like, but when they blow up, they blow up like, like. But I was like. But I was like, but who fights every day? And then she was like. I was like, yeah, I was like. And so for some reason we have made it socially acceptable to be either disruptive or violent every day. Y'all don't see that as a problem Every day and it's normal.
Speaker 2:We haven't been taught how to communicate with our words number one. Nobody showed us that, and so we think that if somebody disrespects us, somebody looks at us the weird way, there's only one thing to do try to blow their head off. We don't have emotional intelligence. We haven't exercised in the genasium of communication.
Speaker 1:We are reactionary people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so it's a whole bunch of stuff. The media we could point fingers all day and all night. I think that it's definitely a broad conversation that warrants some exploration, but it's always going to be as long as there's a media, there's going to be people putting things out there.
Speaker 2:That is extreme absurd, because that's what the media does. For every one of those, though, there's some people that's doing some really good stuff. I want to encourage every one of us to make ourselves a committee of one and just try to create an environment where something positive is going on. Everything except Almighty God can improve, and so if we focus on that, then we're getting just a little bit better. 1% better every day.
Speaker 1:And that's progress. Well, I'll say, going back to originally what Steve had said in that video, I mean and even in the chat I told you, I mean the limited amount of resources you had. I probably said it was maybe a thousand women probably fighting for 10 to 20 slots, and when resources are low and the demand is high, people tend to go to their primal you know being, you know forget, using logic, saying, hey, somebody might be recording me. Why am I here? This doesn't put me in a bad good light. I am without. I need this. I want it more than you. Hey, somebody might be recording me. Why am I here? This doesn't put me in a bad good light. I am without. I need this. I want it more than you. I need it more than you.
Speaker 1:It's a status symbol, um, maybe an opportunity to come up, get recognized. Notice. Now, it may not be for anything positive, but still getting noticed, recognized. That, um, it it's. We're going to see that as long as poverty and yeah, it's crazy. So I'm not surprised. Hopefully we'll try to shield my son from that, that he won't go after someone in that group.
Speaker 3:Those are the fun ones, man.
Speaker 1:Hey, that was almost one of my questions, okay, okay.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:Y'all are nice.
Speaker 3:In the words of Dr Umar some of these are just not going to make it. They just not, they just can't make it. They just can't make it. This is, this is unexpected. See y'all, nice, I will say, I'll say this is unacceptable, this does not need to happen. They got to go.
Speaker 1:They got to go.
Speaker 3:This is, this is. This is because here, because here's the thing Jewish people, if this was the Jewish people, guess what? Somebody would have came up and said, oh, they have to go. This is unacceptable, we can't have this going on. They will not represent us like this. Why are we the only ones that we have this BS? Yes, I think I read something else too. Somebody was twerking. What's her name? Come on man. It was some event that something was going on, and I think not Cardi B. What's the other girl's name? The one that got shot in the foot?
Speaker 3:The Stallion lady Meg, I guess they did the one that got shot in the foot, the stallion lady Meg yeah. I guess they did some type of show in Ann Arbor or something like that, and it was twerkers. Something happened to where the person that's supposed to be running for president had twerkers on stage.
Speaker 1:So that goes back to I'm done. We, as April, I truly believe the path.
Speaker 3:This isn't fair.
Speaker 1:The journey that we've gone through as a people to be taken from the highest of highs, being kings, queens, you know, I mean the Mecca, the originator of, I think the originator of life came out of Africa. No, to now be at this point the true effects of slavery, poverty, so many different mechanisms that were in place in order to keep our people down, has a long lasting effect where you don't remember that your ancestors were a great people because you've been so far taken away from it that stories aren't passed down. I mean, all you can remember is the rough stuff, the struggle. And if all you are used to living in a struggle, acting in a struggle, remembering a struggle, you have a struggle mindset.
Speaker 3:But is remembering how great your ancestors used to be. Is that a cause for you to act now decent? No, I really feel it's a spiritual matter.
Speaker 2:Honestly, I feel like oh, you think it's the devil.
Speaker 3:No, I think it's spiritual, though. Well, yeah, I believe that as this world gets to this place, the spirit will not be as accessible. So people don't have the conviction or the, the, the. I don't want to call it shame or guilt, so I'll call it the conviction of, or the understanding of how their actions, because that's what, that's what the comforter, the spirit of God, I believe does. He lets us know when we mess up, like and why it's bad. And as this world becomes a messed up, corrupt place, as as we believe, you know, in the second coming, this world is, is going to do this and it's going to only get worse. So I kind of brace myself.
Speaker 2:Oh, so you say, you say these are demons, these are demons out here.
Speaker 3:I ain't saying they demons. People can be possessed and I do believe that demon possession does happen. And I do believe that demon possession does happen, but I believe that afterwards again, there are people who still a lot of them who, again, there are some people who look at themselves later. I talked to a lady this week who used to be an amateur in the adult entertainment industry. Now, 25 years later, she's looking at back. Then she stood on her as though, standing there, I stand on business, I was doing what I was doing. Now she's looking at, you know, back then she stood on her as though, standing now, I stand on business, I was doing what I was doing.
Speaker 3:Now she's looking at her decisions, like, yeah, not such a good idea now. Like so I'm hoping that in some of those situations with some of them young ladies in that video, you know, temperance were heightened at that moment. Moment is fight or flight. Like good, I said earlier, and I chose to fight, but I'm hoping when they got home, or I'm hoping that they sit down and talk to people and not even about how great we were, how great you are now. Like you, you are destined for more now.
Speaker 1:So that's what's not being seen.
Speaker 3:So the remorse later that's where I like it. But the ones who don't, y'all think it's remorse. You think they're sorry.
Speaker 1:We are just feeding into Steve.
Speaker 3:See what happened. A lot of the people who didn't want to get it together in life ended up behind bars, and we saw that too. So if there are some of those who don't want to get it together and they don't want to change, then unfortunately there's a place for them too. Of those who don't want to get it together and they don't want to change, then unfortunately there's a place for them too. But for those who want to change or may have the ability, because who knows, speaking of president, the next president of somebody's committee or church, they might have been in that room being the main ones throwing hands. So I don't know, but I do know where we at now is is sad, and it's a sad and scary place.
Speaker 1:We do better when we know better, and I think that's the thing is. We got to get the message out to say you can do better, and not in you don't you don't.
Speaker 3:You don't think they know. You don't think they know they can do it.
Speaker 1:You don't think they know they can do it If you've been in a certain environment for a long period, or maybe your entire life. To be exposed to something different is scary, is hard to adjust.
Speaker 3:Because think about all them kids that we saw that never even once, not one time, been out of Detroit.
Speaker 3:Like that's what they know, these young men that grew up in these gangs in this five-mile radius or 10-mile radius, and that's what they know, these young men that grew up in these gangs in this five mile radius or 10 mile radius, and that's that's what they know. So when, when they really feel loyal to these gangs because this is all that exists in them, but when you get outside of that and you see that you know these other places and spaces, what you're looking at at first starts to lose its value, because there's more to life than this. Why do you think a lot of these guys leave the hood and they come back to visit? They'll drive through, throw a couple of dollars out and keep going back to their house in Beverly Hills? You don't think God puts intrinsic values in human beings to know what's right or wrong, without even having heard of him, I'm just saying this one thing right here Iniquity is bound in the heart of a child.
Speaker 2:David was like In sin. Did my mother conceive me? So a little kid. I've watched little kid a year old Anybody teach him how to lie. Did you eat the cookie?
Speaker 3:And know he's wrong. And a dog knows he's wrong. This dog, I agree, do you on that? A dog doodled on my floor. The dog don't know Jesus, he don't know God. He knew he was wrong. A dog will know he's wrong. Y'all being nice, here we go.
Speaker 1:They know what they're doing. Do you have those ready?
Speaker 3:I'm going to say something too. A dog knows when it's wrong. A dog knows. Is the dog okay? Did you put him out? No, I didn't, I didn't. And that's where relationships come from, because she balances me out. Steve put the gun down, he doodled on the floor in my office.
Speaker 3:And you know what that dog did? He doodled in my office. I was like where the dog at, he was all sitting down. I said where the other dog at, he doodled in my office and he was just sitting there. He knew he was wrong, anyways, he went to his game. So if a dog can do that, he was just sitting there. He knew he was wrong, anyways, he went to his game. So if a dog can do that, if a dog can do that intrinsically we know we're wrong.
Speaker 1:Steve does believe in people. I need to put that at the bottom. Steve does believe in humanity.
Speaker 3:It's just something about us man, it's just like we, we, yes, we can be great, we can be, we have been great, we are great, we can be greater. It's just the focus, and I just see that our kids are getting into this and I'm seeing even just like younger adults now you know the rate that they're getting killed, like you know, these new rappers and everything like that, as far as the, you know, back in the day, people were just, you know, mostly rapping about all this stuff. I mean, they actually doing everything that they said. They tell it on themselves now, every single song, how.
Speaker 3:I did it, you know, but it's that mentality of this is what us, as a society, is deemed to be acceptable, to be acceptable. It's I just want God to come back. Just come on back, please. Just come on back, please, just come on.
Speaker 3:That's the part it's not only accepted as glorified, but it's going to be. But how do we change the palette? How do we change the text? That's what? Because, again, we were. I remember the elders in our community telling us what they believed to be right. We didn't want that. We rejected that too. We're young and we're going to find our own way. We didn't want that. We rejected that too. We're young and we're going to find our own way. We don't want to do things the way you did or have the understanding you have. We want our own understanding. The Bible says lean back until I don't understand. We often try to negate that and we find ourselves jacked up for it. So, but each younger generation looks for that, look for that break off. We look for that way to be independent or to stand out or to show themselves. But it seems like, again, like the Bible, of course, they're bigger yet weaker, like they're smart and dumb at the same time. Alright, fellas.
Speaker 1:We need to wrap this up. I got to do something for my dad later on today. Steve's already given his parting words.
Speaker 3:Purge.
Speaker 2:You're not giving Steve the mic again.
Speaker 1:I hope not. Purge we said 10 minutes has been the thing.
Speaker 3:Purge.
Speaker 3:Well, no, I'll give you my parting words and I'll shut up after this.
Speaker 3:I'll go back to what we talked about before and again, I definitely want to say this definitely for couples and we've been talking about being comfortable with people, even in, about, um, being comfortable, comfortable with people that just even, just even in that self, with, uh, being comfortable with your, your spouse or whatnot again, patience and grace, being able to afford those to the person that you love, your partner, your spouse, whoever that may be, do that in a sense of where that person gets that the most patience and grace that you would give anybody else.
Speaker 3:And that's going to go a long way, especially for people being comfortable with you as well as you being comfortable with them. Okay, I will jump in and say next, as stated before to the men, in order to create a zone of safety, you must figure out what it is that you are hiding, what it is that you are working on, what it is you want to be better at, so you can go and have meaningful conversations. So it's reminding you to do the homework, to check in, you know, to figure out what those things are, what you think about, where, the areas you want to see growth in your personal life, as well as your relationships, as well as relationships with family, friends, etc. This week, start doing some digging to find out what it is that you even feel comfortable sharing. That's it. You even feel comfortable sharing.
Speaker 2:That's it All right, yeah, everything except Almighty God can be improved. That's just what I said a couple times. Let's focus on just getting 1% better every day Instead of focusing on what's wrong focus on what you can do, right?
Speaker 1:All right, I'm just going to say thanks for thanks for rocking with us. It's past hour and 17 plus minutes. It's been real. Catch you at the next episode, thanks. Well, it's closing time. We are glad you stayed with us this long. The bill oh, we tore that up, for truth and accountability are free. You want to leave a tip? Sure, we take your money. But what's even better is if you share this with someone you know, for there's always room for more at the iron table.
